All About Purpose
All About Purpose ALL ABOUT PURPOSE: WHAT IT MEANS AND WHY IT’S SO GOOD FOR YOU Unlike animals, with their instincts to guide them past dangers, we humans have to rely upon our conscious decisions. We do the best we can when it comes to our career path and handling the inevitable setbacks in life. But in the back of our minds we can sense an overall lack of direction, as we are pulled this way and that way by our moods and by the opinions of others. How did we end up in this job, in this place? Such drifting can lead to dead ends. The way to avoid such a fate is to develop a sense of purpose, discovering our calling in life and using such knowledge to guide us in our decisions. We come to know ourselves more deeply—our tastes and inclinations. We trust ourselves, knowing which battles and detours to avoid. Even our moments of doubt, even our failures have a purpose—to toughen us up. With such energy and direction, our actions have unstoppable force. We are all complex. We like to present a front to the world that is consistent and mature, but we know inside that we are subject to many different moods and wear many different faces, depending on circumstances. We can be practical, social, introspective, irrational, depending on the mood of the moment. And this inner chaos actually causes us pain. We lack a sense of cohesion and direction in life. We could choose any number of paths, depending on our shifting emotions, which pull us this way and that. Why go here instead of there? We wander through life, never quite reaching the goals that we feel are so important to us, or realizing our potential. The moments in which we feel clarity and purpose are fleeting. To soothe the pain from our aimlessness, we might enmesh ourselves in various addictions, pursue new forms of pleasure, or give ourselves over to some cause that interests us for a few months or weeks. The only solution to this dilemma is to find a higher sense of purpose, a mission that will provide us our own direction, not that of our parents, friends, or peers. This mission is intimately connected to our individuality, to what makes us unique. As Martin Luther King Jr. expressed it: “We have a responsibility to set out to discover what we are made for, to discover our life’s work, to discover what we are called to do. And after we discover that, we should set out to do it with all the strength and all of the power that we can muster.” This “life’s work” is what we were intended to do, as dictated by our particular skills, gifts, and inclinations. It is our calling in life. Consider this “life’s work” something that speaks to you from within—a voice. This voice will often warn you when you are getting involved in unnecessary entanglements or when you are about to follow career paths that are unsuited to your character, by the uneasiness that you feel. It directs you toward activities and goals that mesh with your nature. When you are listening to it, you feel like you have greater clarity and wholeness. If you listen closely enough, it will direct you toward your particular destiny. It can be seen as something spiritual or something personal, or both. It is not the voice of your ego, which wants attention and quick gratification, something that further divides you from within. Rather, it absorbs you in your work and what you have to do. It is sometimes hard to hear, as your head is full of the voices of others telling you what you should and should not do. Hearing it involves introspection, effort, and practice. When you follow itsguidance, positive things tend to happen. You have the inner strength to do what you must and not be swayed by other people, who have their own agendas. Hearing this voice will connect you toyour larger goals and help you avoid detours. It will make you more strategic, focused, and adaptive. Once you hear it and understand your purpose, there will be no going back. Your course has been set, and deviating from it will cause anxiety and pain. In the world today, we humans face a particular predicament: As soon as our schooling ends, we suddenly find ourselves thrown into the work world, where people can be ruthless and the competition is fierce. Only a few years before, if we were lucky, our parents met many of our needs and were there to guide us; in some cases, they were overprotective. Now we find ourselveson our own, with little or no life experience to rely upon. We have to make decisions and choices that will affect our entire future. In the not-so-distant past, people’s career and life choices were somewhat limited. They would settle into the particular jobs or roles available to them and stay there for decades. Certain older figures—mentors, family members, religious leaders—could offer some direction if needed. But such stability and help is hard to find today, as the world changes ever more quickly. Everyone is caught up in the harsh struggle to make it; people have never been so preoccupied with their own needs and agendas. The advice of our parents might be totally antiquated in this new order. Facing this unprecedented state of affairs, we tend to react in one of two ways. Some of us, excited by all the changes, actually embrace this new order. We are young and full of energy. The smorgasbord of opportunities offered by the digital world dazzles us. We can experiment, try many different jobs, have many different relationships and adventures. Commitments to a single career or person feel like unnecessary restrictions on this freedom. Obeying orders and listening to authority figures is old-fashioned. Better to explore, have fun, and be open. A time will come when we will figure
Self Esteem Part Two
Self Esteem Part Two How Does Healthy Self-Esteem Manifest? There are some fairly simple and direct ways in which healthy self-esteem manifests itself in our being. These include: • A face, manner, way of talking and moving that project the pleasure one takes in being alive. • Ease in talking of accomplishments or shortcomings with directness and honesty, since one is in friendly relationship to facts. • Comfort in giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affection, appreciation, and the like. • Open to criticism and comfortable about acknowledging mistakes because one’s self-esteem is not tied to an image of “perfection.” • One’s words and movements tend to have a quality of ease and spontaneity since one is not at war with oneself. • Harmony between what one says and does and how one looks, sounds and moves. • An attitude of openness to and curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life. • Feelings of anxiety or insecurity, if they present themselves, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm one, since accepting them, managing them and rising above them rarely feels impossibly difficult. • An ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life, in oneself and others. • Flexible in responding to situations and challenges, moved by a spirit of inventiveness and even playfulness, since one trusts one’s mind and does not see life as doom or defeat. • Comfort with assertive (not belligerent) behaviour in oneself and others. • Ability to preserve a quality of harmony and dignity under conditions of stress. Then, on the purely physical level, one can observe characteristics such as these: • Eyes that are alert, bright, and lively. • A face that is relaxed and (barring illness) tends to exhibit natural colour and good skin vibrancy. • A chin that is held naturally and in alignment with one’s body. • A relaxed jaw. • Shoulders relaxed yet erect.• Hands that tend to be relaxed, graceful, and quiet. • Arms tend to hang in a relaxed, natural way. • Posture tends to be relaxed, erect, well-balanced. • A walk that tends to be purposeful (without being aggressive and overbearing). • Voice tends to be modulated with an intensity appropriate to the situation, and with clear pronunciation. Notice that the theme of relaxation occurs again and again. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are. Chronic tension conveys a message of some form of internal split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation, some aspect of the self being disowned or held on a very tight leash. How Much Is Enough Self-Esteem? Is it possible to have too much self-esteem? No, it is not; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance, but such traits reflect, not too much self-esteem, but too little. They reflect a lack of self-esteem. People of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else. Self-Esteem Is Acquired, Not Given Seeing only the tail end of the process I am describing, a person might say, “Its easy for him to think independently. Look at how much self-esteem he has.” But self-esteem is not a given; it is acquired. One of the ways self-esteem is acquired is by thinking independently when it may not be easy to do so, when it may even be frightening, when the person doing the thinking is struggling with feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and is choosing to persevere nonetheless. It is not always easy to stand by our judgment, and if it has become easy, that itself is a psychological victory —because in the past there were certainly times when it was not easy, when the pressures against independent thought were considerable, and when we had to confront and endure anxiety. Our Underlying Intention As far as our self-esteem is concerned, the issue is not whether we are flawless in executing the task of distinguishing among facts, wishes, and fears and choosing consciousness over some form of avoidance. Rather, the issue is one of our underlying intention. When we describe a person as “basically honest,” in the sense meant here, we do not mean that he or she is impervious to the influence of the wishes and fears, but rather that there is a pronounced and evident desire and intention to see things as they are. We cannot always know for certainwhether or not we are being rational or honest; but we can certainly be concerned about it, we can certainly care. We are not always free to succeed in our thinking, but we are always free to try. The accumulated sum of our choices in this matter yields an inner sense of basic honesty or dishonesty — a fundamental responsibility or irresponsibility toward existence. From childhood on, some individuals are far more interested in and respectful of such questions of truth than others.Some operate as if facts need not be facts if we do not choose to acknowledge them, as if truth is irrelevant and lies are lies only if someone finds them out. The task of consciousness is to perceive that which exists, to the best of our ability. To honour reality — the perception of that which exists — is to honour consciousness; to honour consciousness is to honour self-esteem. Integrity Where we see self-esteem, we see behaviour that is consistent with the individuals professed values, convictions, and beliefs. We see integrity. When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgments of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less — or cease to trust ourselves at all. In their eagerness to dissociate themselves from philosophy in general
Self Esteem Part One
Self Esteem Part One A Definition Of Self-Esteem We who are teachers seek to fan a spark in those we work with — that innate sense of self-worth that presumably is our human birth right. But that spark is only the anteroom to self-esteem. If we are to do justice to those we work with, we need to help them develop that sense of self-worth into the full experience of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is . . . 1. Confidence in our ability to think and to cope with the challenges of life.2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts. A Powerful Human Need Self-esteem is a powerful human need. It is a basic human need that makes an essential contribution to the life process; it is indispensable to normal and healthy development; it has survival value. Lacking positive self-esteem, our psychological growth is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates as, in effect, the immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s adversities is diminished. We crumble before vicissitudes that a healthier sense of self could vanquish. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have more power over us than positives. Complex Factors Determine Our Self-Esteem I do not wish to imply that how our parents treat us determines the level of our self-esteem. The matter is more complex than that. We have a decisive role of our own to play. The notion that we are merely pawns shaped and determined by our environment cannot be supported scientifically or philosophically. We are causal agents in our own right; active contestants in the drama of our lives; originators and not merely reactors or responders.Clearly, however, the family environment can have a profound impact for good or for ill. Parents can nurture self-trust and self-respect or place appalling roadblocks in the way of learning such attitudes. They can convey that they believe in their child’s competence and goodness or they canconvey the opposite. They can create an environment in which the child feels safe and secure or they can create an environment of terror. They can support the emergence of healthy self-esteem or they can do everything conceivable to subvert it. Obstacles To The Growth Of Self-Esteem Parents throw up severe obstacles to the growth of a child’s self-esteem when they . . • Convey that the child is not “enough.”• Chastise the child for expressing “unacceptable” feelings. • Ridicule or humiliate the child. • Convey that the child’s thoughts or feelings have no value or importance. • Attempt to control the child by shame or guilt. • Over-protect the child and consequently obstruct normal learning and increasing self-reliance. • Raise a child with no rules at all, and thus no supporting structure, or else rules that are contradictory, bewildering, undiscussable, and oppressive, in either case inhibiting normal growth. • Deny a child’s perception of reality and implicitly encourage the child to doubt his or her mind. • Treat evident facts as unreal, thus shaking the child’s sense of rationality — for example, when an alcoholic father stumbles to the dinner table, misses the chair, and falls to the floor as the mother goes on eating or talking as if nothing had happened. • Terrorize a child with physical violence or the threat of it, thus instilling acute fear as an enduring characteristic at the child’s core. • Treat a child as a sexual object. • Teach that the child is bad, unworthy, or sinful by nature. Today millions of men and women who have come out of such childhood experiences are searching for ways to heal their wounds. They recognize that they have entered adult life with a liability — a deficit of self-esteem. Whatever words they use to describe the problem, they know they suffer from some nameless sense of not being “enough,” or some haunting emotion of shame or guilt, or a generalized self-distrust, or a diffusive feeling of unworthiness. They sense their lack even if they do not know what precisely self-esteem is, let alone how to nurture and strengthen it within themselves. Addiction And Self-Esteem These observations help us to understand addictions.When we become addicted to alcohol or drugs or destructive relationships, the unconscious intention is invariably to ameliorate anxiety and pain. What we become addicted to are tranquilizers and anodynes. The “enemies” we are trying to escape are fear and pain. When the means we have chosen do not work and make our problems worse, we are driven to take more and more of the poison that is killing us. Addicts are not less fearful than other human beings, they are more fearful. Their pain is not milder, it is more severe. We cannot drink or drug our way into self-esteem anymore than wecan buy happiness with toxic relationships. We do not attain self-esteem by practices that evoke self-hatred. If we do not believe in ourselves — neither in our efficacy nor in our goodness — the universe is a frightening place. Valuing Ourselves This does not mean that we are necessarily incapable of achieving any real values. Some of us may have the talent and drive to achieve a great deal, in spite of a poor self-concept — like the highly productive workaholic who is driven to prove his worth to, say, a father who predicted he would amount to nothing. But it does mean that we will be less effective — less creative — than we have the power to be; and it means that we will be crippled in our ability to find joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will ever feel like “enough.” If we do have realistic confidence in
Emotional Regulation Part Two
Emotional Regulation Part Two STEP TWO: BEWARE THE INFLAMING FACTORS Low-grade emotions continually affect our thinking, and they originate from our own impulses—for instance, the desire for pleasing and comforting thoughts. High-grade emotion, however, comes at certain moments, reaches an explosive pitch, and is generally sparked by something external—a person who gets under our skin, or particular circumstances. The level of arousal is higher and our attention is captured completely. The more we think about the emotion, the stronger it gets, which makes us focus even more on it, and so on and so forth. Our minds tunnel into the emotion, and everything reminds us of our anger or excitement. We become reactive. Because we are unableto bear the tension this brings, high-grade emotion usually culminates in some rash action with disastrous consequences. In the middle of such an attack we feel possessed, as if a second, limbic self has taken over. It is best to be aware of these factors so that you can stop the mind from tunnelling and prevent the releasing action that you will always come to regret. You should also be aware of high-grade irrationality in others, to either get out of their way or help bring them back to reality. Trigger Points from Early Childhood In early childhood we were at our most sensitive and vulnerable. Our relationship to our parents had a much greater impact on us the further back in time we go. The same could be said for any early powerful experience. These vulnerabilities and wounds remain buried deep within our minds.Sometimes we try to repress the memory of these influences, if they happen to be negative—great fears or humiliations. Sometimes, however, they are associated with positive emotions, experiences of love and attention that we continually want to relive. Later in life, a person or event will trigger a memory of this positive or negative experience, and with it a release of powerful chemicals or hormones associated with the memory. Take, for example, a young man who had a distant, narcissistic mother. As an infant or child, he experienced her coldness as abandonment, and to be abandoned must mean he was somehow unworthy of her love. Or similarly, a new sibling on the scene caused his mother to give him much less attention, which he equally experienced as abandonment. Later in life, in a relationship, a woman might hint at disapproval of some trait or action of his, all of which is part of a healthy relationship. This will hit a trigger point—she is noticing his flaws, which, he imagines, precedes her abandonment of him. He feels a powerful rush of emotion, a sense of imminent betrayal. He does not see the source of this; it is beyond his control. He overreacts, accuses, withdraws, all of which leads to the very thing he feared—abandonment. His reaction was to some reflection in his mind, not to the reality. This is the height of irrationality. The way to recognize this in yourself and in others is by noticing behaviour that is suddenly childish in its intensity and seemingly out of character. This could centre on any key emotion. It could be fear—of losing control, of failure. In this case, we react by withdrawing from the situation and the presence of others, like a child curling up into a ball. A sudden illness, brought on by theintense fear, will conveniently cause us to have to leave the scene. It could be love—desperatelysearching to re-create a close parental or sibling relationship in the present, triggered by someone who vaguely reminds us of the lost paradise. It could be extreme mistrust, originating from an authority figure in early childhood who disappointed or betrayed us, generally the father. This often triggers a sudden rebellious attitude. The great danger here is that in misreading the present and reacting to something in the past, we create conflict, disappointments, and mistrust that only strengthen the wound. In some ways, we are programmed to repeat the early experience in the present. Our only defence is awareness as it is happening. We can recognize a trigger point by the experience of emotions that are unusually primal, more uncontrollable than normal. They trigger tears, deep depression, or excessive hope. People under the spell of these emotions will often have a very different tone of voice and bodylanguage, as if they were physically reliving a moment from early life. In the midst of such an attack, we must struggle to detach ourselves and contemplate the possible source—the wound in early childhood—and the patterns it has locked us into. This deep understanding of ourselves and our vulnerabilities is a key step toward becoming rational. Sudden Gains or Losses Sudden success or winnings can be very dangerous. Neurologically, chemicals are released in the brain that give a powerful jolt of arousal and energy, leading to the desire to repeat this experience. It can be the start of any kind of addiction and manic behaviour. Also, when gains come quicklywe tend to lose sight of the basic wisdom that true success, to really last, must come through hard work. We do not take into account the role that luck plays in such sudden gains. We try again and again to recapture that high from winning so much money or attention. We acquire feelings ofgrandiosity. We become especially resistant to anyone who tries to warn us—they don’t understand, we tell ourselves. Because this cannot be sustained, we experience an inevitable fall, which is all the more painful, leading to the depression part of the cycle. Although gamblers are the most prone to this, it equally applies to businesspeople during bubbles and to people who gainsudden attention from the public. Unexpected losses or a string of losses equally create irrational reactions. We imagine we are cursed with bad luck and that this will go on indefinitely. We become fearful and hesitant, which will often lead to more mistakes or failures. In sports, this can induce what is known
Emotional Regulation Part One
Emotional Regulation Part One WHAT ARE EMOTIONS? Emotions are reactions that human beings experience in response to events or situations. The type of emotion a person experiences is determined by the circumstance that triggers the emotion. For instance, a person experiences joy when they receive good news. A person experiences fear when they are threatened. Emotions have a strong influence on our daily lives. We make decisions based on whether we are happy, angry, sad, bored, or frustrated. We choose activities and hobbies based on the emotions they incite. Understanding emotions can help us navigate life with greater ease and stability. In 1972, psychologist Paul Ekman suggested that there are six basic emotions that are universal throughout human cultures: fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness. In 1999, Ekman expanded his list to include a number of other basic emotions, including embarrassment, excitement, contempt, shame, pride, satisfaction, and amusement. Happiness: Many people strive for happiness, as it is a pleasant emotion accompanied by a sense of well-being and satisfaction. Happiness is often expressed by smiling or speaking in an upbeat tone of voice. Sadness: All of us experience sadness now and then. Someone might express sadness by crying, being quiet, and/or withdrawing from others. Types of sadness include grief, hopelessness and disappointment. Fear: Fear can increase heart rate, cause racing thoughts, or trigger the fight-or-flight response. It can be a reaction to actual or perceived threats. Some people enjoy the adrenaline rush that accompanies fear in the form of watching scary movies, riding roller coasters, or skydiving. Disgust: Disgust can be triggered by a physical experience, such as seeing or smelling rotting food, blood, or poor hygiene. Moral disgust may occur when someone sees another person doing something they find immoral or distasteful. Anger: Anger can be expressed with facial expressions like frowning, yelling, or violent behaviour. Anger can motivate you to make changes in your life, but you need to find a healthy outlet to express anger so it doesn’t cause harm to yourself or others. Surprise: Surprise can be pleasant or unpleasant. You might open your mouth or gasp when you’re surprised. Surprise, like fear, can trigger the fight-or-flight response. MASTERING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF USING RATIONALITY You like to imagine yourself in control of your fate, consciously planning the course of your life as best you can. But you are largely unaware of how deeply your emotions dominate you. They make you veer toward ideas that soothe your ego. They make you look for evidence that confirmswhat you already want to believe. They make you see what you want to see, depending on your mood, and this disconnect from reality is the source of the bad decisions and negative patterns that haunt your life. Rationality is the ability to counteract these emotional effects, to think instead of react, to open your mind to what is really happening, as opposed to what you are feeling. It does not come naturally; it is a power we must cultivate, but in doing so we realize our greatest potential. Like everyone, you think you are rational, but you are not. Rationality is not a power you are born with but one you acquire through training and practice. Rationality is then what you will value the most and that which will serve as your guide. Your first task is to look at those emotions that are continually infecting your ideas and decisions. Learn to question yourself: Why this anger or resentment? Where does this incessant need for attention come from? Under such scrutiny, your emotions will lose their hold on you. You will begin tothink for yourself instead of reacting to what others give you. Emotions tend to narrow the mind, making us focus on one or two ideas that satisfy our immediate desire for power or attention, ideas that usually backfire. Now, with a calm spirit, you can entertain a wide range of options and solutions. You will deliberate longer before acting and reassess your strategies. The voice will become clearer and clearer. When people besiege you with their endless dramas and petty emotions, you will resent the distraction and apply your rationality to think past them. Like an athlete continually getting stronger through training, your mind will become more flexible and resilient. Clear and calm, you will see answers and creative solutions that no one else can envision. Whenever anything goes wrong in our life, we naturally seek an explanation. To not find some cause for why our plans went awry, or why we faced sudden resistance to our ideas, would be deeply disturbing to us and intensify our pain. But in looking for a cause, our minds tend to revolve around the same types of explanations: someone or some group sabotaged me, perhaps out ofdislike; large antagonistic forces out there, such as the government or social conventions, hindered me; I received bad advice, or information was kept from me. Finally—if worse comes to worst— it was all bad luck and unfortunate circumstances. These explanations generally emphasize our helplessness. “What could I have done differently? How could I have possibly foreseen the nasty actions of X against me?” They are also somewhat vague. We usually can’t point to specific malicious actions of others. We can only suspect or imagine. These explanations tend to intensify our emotions—anger, frustration, depression—which we can then wallow in and feel bad for ourselves. Most significantly, our first reaction is to look outward for the cause. Yes, we might be responsible for some of what happened, but for the most part, other people and antagonistic forces tripped us up. This reaction is deeply ingrained in the human animal. In ancient times, it might have been the gods or evil spirits who were to blame. We of the present choose to call them other names. The truth, however, is very different from this. Certainly there are individuals and larger forces out there that continually have an effect on us, and there is much we cannot control in
Stress Management Part Three
Stress Management Part Three STAND IN YOUR POWER “When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.” —Mark Twain There are some times when letting out a swear word or two can be extremely cathartic and sometimes empowering, especially when it is used as a mechanism to release the energy of stress and when it doesn’t inflict harm on anyone. Being Powerful Many people think that being powerful means being aggressive, overbearing, dominating, or controlling. And because these qualities are viewed as negative, many people have contradicting feelings about what being powerful means. As a result, instead of standing in their power, many people give their power away, not wanting to be seen as too aggressive or rude. Standing in your power has nothing to do with how you treat people or whether you use force to get what you want. It refers to knowing who you are and standing by yourself and your beliefs.Power isn’t something that comes from external measures but from an internal process of growth, love, acceptance, and awareness. In short, rarely does anyone take your power away; rather, you give it away. Any time you believe you are not enough or do not have enough to manage adversity, you bring yourself closer to feeling powerless, whether it comes from incessant self-doubt and thoughts of being inadequate, feelings of being overwhelmed, worrying about what others may think, being upset that you are not being heard and have no voice, or feeling that you are not deserving of good or success. As long as you hold on to a “not enough” belief or thought, you sabotage your chances of standing in your own power. When you are not in your own power, you cannot fully honour yourself, what is important to you, who you truly are, what you truly want, what you are capable of accomplishing, or standing strong in your decisions. You are not solid in yourself, in your beliefs, or who you are. Giving your power away happens the minute you take care of someone else’s needs at your own expense. It happens when you do not say no and take on more than your plate can handle and when you let other people’s feelings matter more than yours. It happens when you are not mindful of how tired, sad, hungry, or lonely you might be and when you criticize yourself by “should-ing” on yourself. The “Should” Problem I bet you have never paid attention to how many times you say “should” during the course of a day, either directing that “should” toward someone and what they should have done or toward yourself. You may not realize this, but every time you “should” yourself, you put yourself down and shame yourself. Statements such as “I should have known better,” “I should have gotten a salad, not that burger,” “I should lose weight” or “I should have gone left instead of right” underline the notion that you are not enough and need to be ashamed for this. When you berate yourself like this, the stress response gets triggered, and with that comes other negative emotions,memories of feeling similarly in the past, and the associated physiological changes. Perhaps you can witness what should-ing yourself feels like and judge for yourself whether it gives a feeling of invincibility and expansiveness or smallness and contraction. Quieting the Inner Critic We all have an inner critic. For some of you, that critic is a loud voice that tries to convince you that you are not enough through the framework of negative emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. When you are running on empty, when your infrastructure is down, or when you are under a lot of stressand overwhelmed, your inner critic gets louder and louder, cutting you no slack. It doesn’t let you be human or make mistakes. It encourages you to sabotage yourself so that you continue not to take care or support yourself, and ultimately, it causes you to shame yourself and apologize for who you are. The key is to quiet the inner critic and choose to accept and love yourself instead. Making this choice helps you embark on the path of taking care of you, which lets you heal from hurts, get healthy, get fit, understand yourself better along with your needs and wants, communicate your beliefs and desires with clarity and conviction, and stay unapologetic for what you believe and who you are. Getting Clarity about What You Want Clarity is something you gain over time. For the most part, you often have to experience what you don’t want in order to realize what you do want. The problem is that most people ruminate on what they don’t want or don’t like, rather than focusing on the opposite. The more you hold on to a negative situation, the more you hold on to a negative belief or feeling, the more stress builds up in you—at some point, you explode. This happens when you think about a negative situation over and over again, tell the story repeatedly, or ruminate on it in any shapeor form. The more you focus on how something or someone makes you feel negative, the more you deplete yourself, the worse you become on what you want or deserve. The key is to acknowledge and honour the way you feel, understanding that your feelings are appropriate and reasonable, but they are not helping you feel good or remedy the situation. Then decide to change those feelings to ones that are positive, are more powerful, and actually serve your well-being. Stating your thoughts and wants out loud repetitively will further enhance your feeling of power. LAUGH AND LET GO “Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.” —Charlie Chaplin Why Laughter Eases Stress If you think about it, laughter is highly social and part of the human way of life that allows us to bond and get through difficult times. When you laugh, it is rare that others don’t laugh with you,
Stress Management Part Two
Stress Management Part Two DEFEAT DISTRESS WITH LOVE “Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” —Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now Without suffering or pain, there exists little reason for rage. If you think about a four-year-old girl who is hurt, how does she react? Does she cry out or have a tantrum, or does she talk her way out of whatever she is feeling, find reason, and use her words wisely to express herself? When you are triggered and distressed, you become like this four-year-old child, where reason, rationale, and compassion get thrown out the window because the stress response sends signals to higher brain centres like the prefrontal cortex to shut down, while signalling lower, more primitivebrain centres such as the amygdala to take over. As the amygdala is activated, negative emotions escalate as hurtful and negative memories are brought forward, signalling the stress response to fire more strongly. Tunnel vision takes over and eventually what may have started out as a bit ofstress transforms into raging distress. Trying to stop this process once it starts is akin to trying to stop a shiver when you are freezing cold, which is close to impossible. It is possible to get control over the stress response, shift out of this negative state, and access your higher mind, rationale, and sense of calm. It may take a little work to get there, but it’s possible, especially if you learn to heal old wounds with a lot of love. The Memories That Trigger Distress Though it is rare that your life is actually being threatened, your brain does not usually distinguish between real or imagined threats. If a threat is perceived to be severe, the amygdala is activated to take over, and fear and fear-related behaviours take precedence over your rational brain andthinking abilities. If the threat is perceived to be mild, the amygdala will work alongside higher brain centres, which influence the amygdala to fire less strongly, thus provoking a weaker stress response with less associated negative emotions, which allows for better access to calm and rational thinking and behaviours. In other words, when you perceive that a threat is mild and not life-threatening, you are better able to motivate sound action without losing your cool. The problem lies in the fact that much of the time you are not aware that you perceive a given stress as life-threatening or severe because it is your unconscious mind (not conscious) via your memory bank that is feeling threatened. In such a case, your brain will remember an old memory of being hurt, and a threat that is minor in reality is perceived by the brain as severe. The prefrontal cortex and other higher brain centres shut down, causing the stress response to charge faster and stronger, despite your knowing better. Most of your memories, especially the ones that are associated with strong emotions, aren’t necessarily accurate but are associated with assumptions and beliefs that you developed during the course of your life. Different situations can bring these memories forward as well as the associatedassumptions, beliefs, and behaviours. A stressful situation might trigger a painful memory, which propels negative assumptions and beliefs that eventually lead to a pattern of behaviour. Thebehaviour may be explosive in nature, one of avoidance, passive aggressiveness, abusive (to Self or others), and so forth. The deeper or more hurtful the memory, the easier it is to trigger the automatic response. Painful memories can also be brought forward when a situation is barely even stressful because you are not taking care of yourself or you feel vulnerable or physically ill. This can happen when you are sleep-deprived, full of toxic chemicals (from food or alcohol) that create negative physiology in your body, in financial distress, overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities, having difficulties in a relationship or work, or experiencing any other sort of stress that leads you feeling more victim than victor. The point here is that as long as you are feeling victimized, or you consciously or unconsciously uphold a belief that you are victimized, distress will play a major role in your life. And believe it or not, one way to correct this problem is by having compassion for yourself. Love Stimulates Happy Memories and Reward Love induces a positive sense of reward filled with peace, balance, pleasure, and well-being. Feeling loved stimulates your memories of being happy and content. When in the state of love, your brain pulls from your positive memory bank propagating attitudes, beliefs, and emotions that are positive and well-intentioned. Your positive memory bank, like the negative, also brings forward memories, emotions, and conclusions from your past, but they are all positive. Rather than feeding you stories of negativity, victimization, and suffering, your positive memories provide you with memories of being happy, feeling good, and stories of your success. Tapping into Love You don’t have to actually fall in love with someone to make this work. In fact, love is a physiological state that can be tapped into in a variety of ways that often have nothing to do with anyone else. You can, for instance, use your imagination to focus on the experience of being loved by someone you adore, by the universe, or by an imaginary being. Love, or the physiological state of love, can be accessed through meditation, the practice of compassion, gratitude, mindfulness, spending time in nature, volunteering, other self-care practices (like healthy eating and exercise), spirituality or spiritual activities, social support, and spending time with pets. RESTRUCTURE YOUR INFRASTRUCTURE “It is wise to direct your anger towards problems—not people; to focus your energies on answers—not excuses.” —William Arthur Ward If you haven’t figured it out yet, your brain is not separate from your body and neither are separate from your environment. This means that what you put in your body, do with your body, and surround yourself with in your life will affect how you feel, how you think, how you perceive yourself in your world—enough
Stress Management Part One
Stress Management Part One THE CHOICE TO KNOW YOUR VALUE You have a choice of whether or not you blow up or bliss out, whether you let your stress control you and weaken you or use it to become more powerful and happy. It is up to you to decide if you want to seek value outside of yourself and continuously feel disappointed and lacking, or work toward knowing your own value from within. It is up to you to decide if you want to be stuck waiting for happiness to come or choose to be happy because, ultimately, using stress to your advantage, you can be. Know that stress itself is natural and necessary in that it motivates you to take action when some sort of threat to your state of balance is present. The problem is that when stress triggers negative emotions, the negative emotions can overwhelm you and short-circuit your brain and your higherintellectual reasoning, causing you to fall into behaviours that are often hurtful to others or to yourself. The deeper your hurts, the stronger your negative emotions, and the bigger the negative reaction will be. Trying to stop the reaction is often close to impossible, like trying to stop a shiverwhen it is cold outside. What if you were to start looking at stress differently? What if you were to realize that any time you are feeling stressed or distressed, which is stress associated with a negative emotion, you are actually receiving a warning signal that you are running on empty and you need to refuel? If you were to start approaching distress differently, by reacting less strongly or not at all for that matter, you would give yourself the opportunity to heal any part of you that feels broken. The less broken you then feel, the more whole you become. The more whole you are, the less triggered and distressed you will be. You have more balance within yourself and your life. You feel good, and inevitably, you are a lot happier. A happier and more whole you is a more successful you. In Search of Happy Though most people claim they want to be healthy, the truth is, everyone just wants to be happy. Everyone wants to feel good. The problem is that most people believe that happiness comes from outside factors. Why does this happen? Because inherently, people do not possess a core belief that they are enough and have the ability to create happy with or without the things they seek. They constantly look outside of themselves for happiness—looking for more wealth, a perfect partner, a perfect family, and so forth—not realizing that nothing will ever be enough and no one and nothing can be exactly what they need them to be. The harder they seek, the more disappointed they become, and the harder it seems to achieve happiness. Think about your own life. Perhaps you are married and you are constantly angry with your spouse for not understanding you or for simply not taking out the trash. Perhaps you are single and you believe that if only you had a partner, you would be happy. Or maybe you think you will be happier if you had more money, a different president, a new boss, or a world where everyone was pleasant and courteous. Whatever it is you seek, you don’t have it now, which makes you feel lacking andwill exist forever feeling you are not enough. Fast forward to everyday life, and someone cuts you off in traffic, is rude to you on the phone, is taking too long in the checkout line, or just isn’t listening to you when you are talking, or … boom! You lose it. Surprised? Is it surprising that you blow up when life throws you a curveball when you are already feeling out of balance and unhappy? Freedom Is Bliss The key is to find what you are seeking within yourself, rather than outside of yourself, and to fix the “not enough” syndrome. The more whole and balanced you are, the less triggered you will be, and the more likely you will find your bliss. Do you remember a time when you felt bliss? All you need to do is think back to a time when you felt free, without worries, on top of the world, happy, at peace. Maybe you were on vacation. Or maybe you were five years old playing in the mud. Or perhaps it was the moment you fell in love. Bliss. You have felt it before. You know you have. And since you have felt it before, it is definitely possible to feel it again. The path to attaining bliss is freedom. I am not referring to the freedom that comes in the form of no responsibility to others or to yourself, but the freedom that comes from not being attached—to things, to people, to your emotions, or to your suffering. This kind of freedom involves letting go of the things, beliefs, or ideas you think determine your value and your happiness. It’s the sort of freedom you get when you feel good because you choose to, not because you are waiting for something or someone else to make it so. When you are not attached to your expectations, negative stories, or beliefs about how life is supposed to be, you get freedom. With this freedom, you gethappiness. Happiness lies in your ability to focus on feeling good and feeling bliss in ways that you create yourself. This is not to say that the aim is for you to deny or squelch other feelings; rather, the goal is for you to learn to be unattached to negative feelings and suffering, to be less controlled by themso that you can heal and feel free. When you feel free, negative people and situations simply don’t bother you as much. This article, which has been divided into three parts, will teach specific tools to help you hone in on the cause
Positive Thinking
Positive Thinking Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself—and be lenient to everybody else. —HENRY WARD BEECHER ARISTOTLE, perhaps the greatest philosopher of all time, studied the human condition more extensively than any other man in history. He concluded that the ultimate goal of human life and endeavour was happiness. He said that every act a person takes is aimed at achieving a greater state of happiness, however the individual defines it. You want to get a good job. Why? To earn more money. Why? To be able to provide for your family and enjoy a good lifestyle. Why? To achieve personal and financial security. Why? So you can be happy. The True Measure The true measure of how successful you are in life is how happy you are—most of the time. If you are wealthy, famous, or powerful but you are not happy, you have failed in your primary responsibility to yourself as a human being. Every human act is aimed at achieving a greater state of happiness, however the individual defines it. This does not mean that every act leads to happiness. Many people make a complete mess of their lives attempting to achieve happiness and often end up unhappier and more dissatisfied thanthey would have been if they had done nothing. The positive emotions of love, joy, peace, excitement, success, and the feeling that you are fulfilling your complete potential are what everyone aims at almost all the time. What Successful People Do Successful people practice positive thinking most of the time. As a result, they are happier, more genial, more popular and derive more real pleasure from life than the average person. The opposite of positive thinking is negative thinking. Negative thinkers tend to be hostile and suspicious. They are distrustful of others, and they expect negative things to happen to them most of the time. They have negative personalities and are highly critical of both themselves and the people around them. No matter what happens, they are seldom satisfied for any period of time. Life to them is a series of problems and difficulties over which they feel they have little control and about which there is nothing they can do. When I began asking the question, “Why are some people more successful and happy than others,” I started studying the contrast and difference between positive emotions and negative emotions. What I found changed my life forever. The Great Discovery What I discovered is that everyone wants to be happy, however he defines it. The main obstacle between each person and the happiness that he desires is negative emotions. Negative emotions lie at the root of virtually all problems in human life. If there was some way that you could eliminate negative emotions, you could wipe out most of the problems of mankind. There is a way to do this. Nature abhors a vacuum. If you eliminate negative emotions, your mind automatically fills with positive emotions. When you eliminate negative emotions, you become a fully functioning person. When you eliminate negative emotions, you become capable of fulfilling your full potential. The main job of life, then, is to eliminate negative emotions. One Thought at a Time Your mind can only hold one thought at a time—positive or negative. But if you don’t deliberately hold a positive thought or emotion, a negative thought or emotion will tend to fill your mind, at least at the beginning. Negative thoughts tend to be easy and automatic, the default setting of the brain for most people. Thinking positively actually requires effort and determination until it becomes a habitual response to life and circumstances. Fortunately, you can become a purely positive thinker through learning and practice. The starting point of eliminating negative emotions is to understand where they come from in the first place. The good news is that no child is born with any fears or negative emotions. All fears and negative emotions must be taught to the growing child in his or her formative years. And because negative emotions are learned, they can be unlearned. Because negative emotions are habitual ways of responding and reacting to people and situations, they can be replaced with constructive habits of responding and reacting. This is very much a matter of choice. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The New born Child Children are born with two wonderful characteristics, fearlessness and spontaneity. The new born child is completely fearless. The growing child will touch, try, or taste anything, however dangerous. Parents have to spend the first few years of the child’s life preventing the child from killing himself or herself. The child is also born spontaneous. He or she laughs, cries, pees, poops, and expresses himself or herself without limit or constraint, twenty-four hours a day. A child has no concern about the reactions and responses of others. He or she simply does not care. Fears of Failure and Criticism At a young age, because of mistakes that parents make, children begin to develop the two main fears of adult life, the fear of failure and the fear of criticism. When parents, in an attempt to restrain or constrain the child’s behaviour, tell the child, “No! Stop that! Don’t do that! Get away from there!” and, even worse, physically punish the child for fearlessly exploring his or her world, the child soon develops the belief that he or she is small and incompetent. Soon the child refrains from reaching out and trying new things. He or she starts to say “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” when confronted with anything new or different. This feeling of “I can’t” soon turns into the fear of failure. As adults, it becomes a preoccupation with loss or poverty. Adults fear the loss of money and time, the loss of security and approval, the