Stress Management Part One
THE CHOICE TO KNOW YOUR VALUE
You have a choice of whether or not you blow up or bliss out, whether you let your stress control you and weaken you or use it to become more powerful and happy. It is up to you to decide if you want to seek value outside of yourself and continuously feel disappointed and lacking, or work toward knowing your own value from within. It is up to you to decide if you want to be stuck waiting for happiness to come or choose to be happy because, ultimately, using stress to your advantage, you can be.
Know that stress itself is natural and necessary in that it motivates you to take action when some sort of threat to your state of balance is present. The problem is that when stress triggers negative emotions, the negative emotions can overwhelm you and short-circuit your brain and your higher
intellectual reasoning, causing you to fall into behaviours that are often hurtful to others or to yourself. The deeper your hurts, the stronger your negative emotions, and the bigger the negative reaction will be. Trying to stop the reaction is often close to impossible, like trying to stop a shiver
when it is cold outside.
What if you were to start looking at stress differently? What if you were to realize that any time you are feeling stressed or distressed, which is stress associated with a negative emotion, you are actually receiving a warning signal that you are running on empty and you need to refuel?
If you were to start approaching distress differently, by reacting less strongly or not at all for that matter, you would give yourself the opportunity to heal any part of you that feels broken. The less broken you then feel, the more whole you become. The more whole you are, the less triggered and distressed you will be. You have more balance within yourself and your life. You feel good, and inevitably, you are a lot happier. A happier and more whole you is a more successful you.
In Search of Happy
Though most people claim they want to be healthy, the truth is, everyone just wants to be happy. Everyone wants to feel good. The problem is that most people believe that happiness comes from outside factors.
Why does this happen? Because inherently, people do not possess a core belief that they are enough and have the ability to create happy with or without the things they seek. They constantly look outside of themselves for happiness—looking for more wealth, a perfect partner, a perfect family, and so forth—not realizing that nothing will ever be enough and no one and nothing can be exactly what they need them to be. The harder they seek, the more disappointed they become, and the harder it seems to achieve happiness.
Think about your own life. Perhaps you are married and you are constantly angry with your spouse for not understanding you or for simply not taking out the trash. Perhaps you are single and you believe that if only you had a partner, you would be happy. Or maybe you think you will be happier if you had more money, a different president, a new boss, or a world where everyone was pleasant and courteous. Whatever it is you seek, you don’t have it now, which makes you feel lacking andwill exist forever feeling you are not enough. Fast forward to everyday life, and someone cuts you off in traffic, is rude to you on the phone, is taking too long in the checkout line, or just isn’t listening to you when you are talking, or … boom! You lose it. Surprised?
Is it surprising that you blow up when life throws you a curveball when you are already feeling out of balance and unhappy?
Freedom Is Bliss
The key is to find what you are seeking within yourself, rather than outside of yourself, and to fix the “not enough” syndrome. The more whole and balanced you are, the less triggered you will be, and the more likely you will find your bliss.
Do you remember a time when you felt bliss? All you need to do is think back to a time when you felt free, without worries, on top of the world, happy, at peace. Maybe you were on vacation. Or maybe you were five years old playing in the mud. Or perhaps it was the moment you fell in love. Bliss. You have felt it before. You know you have. And since you have felt it before, it is definitely possible to feel it again.
The path to attaining bliss is freedom. I am not referring to the freedom that comes in the form of no responsibility to others or to yourself, but the freedom that comes from not being attached—to things, to people, to your emotions, or to your suffering. This kind of freedom involves letting go of the things, beliefs, or ideas you think determine your value and your happiness. It’s the sort of freedom you get when you feel good because you choose to, not because you are waiting for something or someone else to make it so. When you are not attached to your expectations, negative stories, or beliefs about how life is supposed to be, you get freedom. With this freedom, you get
happiness.
Happiness lies in your ability to focus on feeling good and feeling bliss in ways that you create yourself. This is not to say that the aim is for you to deny or squelch other feelings; rather, the goal is for you to learn to be unattached to negative feelings and suffering, to be less controlled by them
so that you can heal and feel free. When you feel free, negative people and situations simply don’t bother you as much.
This article, which has been divided into three parts, will teach specific tools to help you hone in on the cause of your distress and to release it and to discover ways you can create your own happiness. You will be shown ways to nurture yourself, build your support framework, and feel stronger and more powerful. Through the framework of this easy and practical guide to stress
management, you will learn that even in the midst of a dark abyss, you can find your bliss.
UNDERSTAND THE STRESS RESPONSE & NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation
Majority of the people on this earth live their life in fear of dying, of not being important, or of not being truly loved, prohibiting their ability to live a full and beautiful life. The reason most people live in fear of death is that they don’t know or believe they are truly loved or loveable, or they don’t know their own value. When people feel truly loved, when they understand their inherent value, worth, or importance, they are likely to care for themselves and their environment, experience fewer health problems, feel less psychologically and emotionally upset, and ultimately, have less distress, fear, or rage.
Think about this: If you truly loved yourself and knew your worth, would you not do everything in your power to nurture your body, your mind, your soul, and your spirit? If you nurtured yourself so much that you felt valued and overflowing with love, would you not be happy, and would you then be less easily insulted or even care less if someone else paid you no mind or insulted you?
Of course you would!
You have the ability to be truly happy, and that ability lies in your very own body.
You have a magnificent body made of trillions of cells, some of them strong, some of them weak. No matter their strength, these cells help one another, protecting one another from harm and aligning together to give you a chance to have a fabulous life on this earth. When these cells are not properly nurtured, taken care of, or supported, they cannot then fully support you to live and shine, to be happy and successful.
The beauty of your body is that it is always letting you know when it is in need, when it desires help or change from you. The signals come in the form of sensations like hunger or fatigue, a cough, a sense of discomfort, or a negative emotion or thought. These signals tell you when you are in stress or when you are safe, when you are out of balance or in balance, when you are in a state of unrest or a state of peace and love. The food you eat, the people you spend time with, the movements you make, the thoughts you uphold or the words you speak—all affect each one of your cells positively or negatively. In turn, these cells let you know if your actions are helping you
thrive or dive.
If you were to pay attention, love yourself, and truly want to be and stay happy, you would heed your body’s signals and avoid behaviours and actions that cause you to dive and uphold only those that help you thrive.
You have a choice. You have a choice every day and every moment of your life of whether or not you want to nurture your body and your Self or hurt it. The less you hurt yourself, the less the world can truly hurt you.
You have a choice of how you are going to view your life—in gratitude of having experiences that help you discover your true Self so that you can live life in the full beauty of your Self, or in remorse of never having or being enough so that you live your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances.
You have a choice to believe in the greatness of your Self that cannot be deflated by another, or you can believe that your Self is helpless and that you will only be great if you get recognized or valued by another.
If your choice is happy, all you really need to do is start paying attention to your body’s signals.
Perception Is Key
You might be thinking to yourself right now that you are doomed because you are always stressed, meaning your stress response is always active, which is also why you are always angry or sick. Don’t despair. You have the ability to fix the problem by learning how to change your perception of yourself and your life.
The key to keeping the stress response under control is perception. If your brain perceived a particular situation to be manageable, it would fire the stress response only long enough to motivate the necessary action, like an athlete who is motivated to compete and win a race. It’s basically what you would call having a positive outlook. Positive perception is directly correlated to inner surety or trust in success or manageability of a particular endeavour or challenge. Negative perception, in contrast, is associated with lower self-appraisal and belief in the possibility of a positive outcome occurring.
For example, you may agonize over a choice of school for your child. You agonize night and day over this issue until it feels like your life is spinning out of control. Your anxiety triggers the stress response, which causes your heart rate and blood pressure to rise, inflammation to course through your body, your memory to feel hazy, and your cravings for comfort food or alcohol to skyrocket.
You feel tired and achy and overwhelmed by the demands of your life. You simply don’t think you can handle much more. Then your child, spouse, boss, or fill-in-the-blank person acts rudely or out of order and your temper then gets the best of you and everyone else. The shame you experience from your behaviour makes you feel even worse, exacerbating the stress response further, and the cycle rages on.
Now if you were able to change your mindset to believe that whatever choice you made would be okay, the scenario would play out very differently.
For instance, you feel very confident about your ability to make choices and are also confident there is no such thing as a wrong choice because every choice brings opportunity for growth and learning. You know that no matter what school you send your child to, the school will be perfect, or you will find ways to make it work. You have a similar attitude to most of the demands in your life, knowing how to delegate and find help when you need to. In this case, do you think you would blow up when said child, spouse, boss, or fill-in-the-blank person acts rudely? Probably not. Why?
Perception.
When you perceive stress to be manageable, you gain control over the stress response and over your reactions. Perception is actually the key to being resilient. The more you believe in your own ability and resources to handle adversity, the more likely you are to perceive stress as manageable,leading to less worry, more confidence, a stronger sense of self-value, positive expectation, a controlled stress response, and a stronger you.
If you were to operate from a positive perception that resources will be available to handle any uncertainty, you would step forward in life with more surety, knowing you could deal with whatever came your way. You would be able to maintain a sense of calm, even when someone is acting rudely or disrespectfully. Your stress levels would remain controlled; physical health,
stable; and mental and emotional clarity, intact.
Awareness Leads to Better Perception
You need to be aware you are stressed and take care of it before it gets control of you. You may not be aware, for instance, that the sleep deprivation you are experiencing as a result of your pushing yourself to succeed at work is inducing inflammation in your body and creating more
stress. You may also not be aware that you are holding onto memories that no longer serve you. These memories still define you and your perception and drive you to succeed at your body’s expense. You may not realize that at your core you believe you are not good enough and you have been living in constant stress your whole life.
Awareness of Emotions and Memories
Emotions and emotional memory are directly connected to physiological responses, both positive and negative. Any time you experience a particular emotion, your brain will search its emotional memory bank to bring forward assumptions, beliefs, behaviours, and physiological and physical reactions that helped you cope in the past. When faced with challenges that elicit an emotion in you, the brain searches its memory bank for details to see how such challenges have been handled previously, what resources were used, and what the outcome may have been and match the information with your emotional memory bank. The outcome is a reaction and behaviour to said
challenge that is motivated by a now unconscious belief and assumption.
Over the course of your lifetime, as one memory builds up upon the other, a belief system forms regarding how you see yourself, others, and the world around you, either positive—that you are enough and have enough—or negative—that you are not enough or don’t have enough. Most people hold different beliefs depending on the situation. For instance, the same person can believe that there will always be enough money because he or she grew up wealthy, but there is never enough love, as there was no love afforded in the home. Some of your beliefs, therefore, uphold positive expectations that your future needs will be met. Other beliefs, based on more hurtful experiences, have taken on a more negative stance, upholding negative expectations that you may never be or have enough, and that the world or people can’t be trusted to help you. The result is that situations arising today can trigger a positive or negative physiological response and
subsequent belief and behaviour, based on the memory.
For example, if in your past your family always had enough money and all your needs were always met, you will likely believe today that you will always have enough of whatever you need. In contrast, if you grew up having food on the table and clothes on your body but your parents constantly worried about money, you will likely share some of this worry too. As an adult now,even though you have a stable income, you still may question, “What if I won’t be provided for? What if I don’t have enough money?” You worry daily and stay at a job you don’t like even though you dream of doing something else, and you essentially feel trapped. (Can you see how this may be a setup for resentment, frustration, and easily blowing up?)
Another example might be that your boss, colleague, or friend is disrespecting you or not taking your advice. If in your past you were often criticized and put down, this type of situation may trigger you to get extremely upset and angry, more so than someone else might who was rarely
criticized. Every time you are criticized, this memory gets triggered. When you are triggered, you do what you have always done to cope—you scream, eat, withdraw, and so forth. Though the behaviour helps you cope short term, it solves nothing and in the end usually makes you feel worse.
If a large part of your belief system is a fear that you will never or may never be enough or have enough, the stress response will be active constantly. You will be easily triggered to feel angry, fearful, or upset, especially when facing challenges that remind you of a hurtful memory.
When triggers, negative emotions, and underlying negative beliefs are addressed, you have a better chance of regulating the stress response, controlling anger and other negative emotions, and being able to maintain an enhanced peace of mind and a healthier body.
Awareness of Beliefs
Always remember that you are not your memories and whatever happened to you in the past does not determine your value. The problem is that when you were a child, you did not possess much of a brain yet. In other words, when bad things happened to you, your brain interpreted the situation based on limited knowledge and skills. A belief created from that vantage point was often distorted and untrue. It is this illogical and untrue belief that drives your stress response and negative behaviours.
If you were to consciously focus on changing the belief so that eventually a new one took a form that is more positive, logical, and true, you would have a much better handle on your reactions and stress. There are many techniques available in the psychological and spiritual healing worlds, including cognitive restructuring strategies and a variety of meditation practices. The point is that you have the ability to influence any change in a positive or a negative direction by the choices you make that are based on beliefs that you hold.
It is possible to disassociate negative emotions and beliefs from unhappy memories and reprogram the brain with positive emotions and expectations of trust. You can learn to perceive situations differently so that they appear more manageable to you. More importantly, you can learn to see yourself differently, knowing that you are truly valuable, loved, and supported. When you do so, very little can shake you.
Getting in Control
Always remember that you have the ability to influence your life in a positive or a negative direction by the choices you make and the perception you hold, especially with regard to the stress in your life and how you see yourself within the larger world. When you uphold a positive mind-set or perception, you keep the stress response in check and you function from a place of feeling whole and content versus empty and pissed off. You feel in control.
GET A HOLD ON NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
“If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return.”
—Deepak Chopra, The Third Jesus: The Christ We Cannot Ignore
Negative emotions are meant to alert you that something is amiss, drive you to get away from danger, stand up for yourself and for those you love, or take the time to grieve so that you can heal and move forward. Negative emotions push you to take action and force change when change is
due through the stimulation of the stress response. Out of all the negative emotions or states—fear, anger, grief, anxiety, and depression—anger is the one emotion that most people repress or express when under stress—whether as a result of frustration, indignation, stagnation, or feeling
overwhelmed—and then feel bad about it or themselves, which creates more stress and distress. Out of all the negative emotions, anger is also the most powerful. It can cause massive destruction when uncontrolled or incredible change for the good when used correctly.
Validating and Understanding the Self
Do you allow yourself to feel, and especially to be angry?
Many of us have been taught to believe that stress is bad and that to be angry is even worse. We either squash our feelings or feel guilty if we yell or act rudely or negatively. The problem is that when you repress your feelings, the stress simply implodes internally. Like a soda can that is shaken when closed, you eventually combust. Ignoring your feelings or putting them down only causes wounds to deepen, not heal.
Causes for Distress
At its basic level, stress or distress usually arises because you perceive you or those you love are being threatened.
Now remember that your brain doesn’t distinguish between real or imagined threats, big or small.
That threat, in other words, could come in the form of disrespect, humiliation, fear of criticism, or loss. Whatever the threat, it will elicit the stress response and an automated reaction and behaviour, meaning that it will lead to a physical reaction and a behaviour or action to follow.
There are many situations, therefore, that will give rise to distress, from the mundane to the serious. In the following exercise, I list some of the causes or situations that lead to distress.
A. Feeling unsupported
Many situations can lead you to feeling unsupported, including a spouse who doesn’t back you up when you try to discipline your children, a friend who doesn’t support your point of view, colleagues who undermine you in front of your superiors, a job that doesn’t pay you enough, or a lack of money in your bank account. Feeling unsupported usually leads to feeling overburdened, resentful, fatigued, overwhelmed, and unhappy as you work harder to be validated, pay your bills,or keep your family together without much help.
B. Being ignored and invisible
I don’t know anyone who likes being ignored, and at a core level, feeling invisible is akin to feeling that one’s existence is not valuable or valued. Perhaps you seem to always be passed over for a promotion, or you often find yourself talking to your spouse or friend and realize that he or she is
not listening. Maybe you find that when you are with a group of people, you are ignored and no one pays attention to your contributions. You feel as if you don’t exist. How do you react when you are ignored?
C. Rejection
Being ignored may also feel like rejection. Rejection involves feeling shunned or pushed away by another person or entity. When someone you hold dear or with high regard rejects you, the pain can often be overwhelming, as happens when a relationship ends, you get fired, or you don’t get a job you applied for. Feeling rejected can bring up deeper feelings of not being worthy, loved,
valued, or wanted. Some people are more rejection sensitive than others, which is very much influenced by early life experiences involving love and acceptance by one’s family, peers, or teachers. The more you experience rejection, the more likely you are also to reject yourself. You may also interpret the downs that come along with the ups of life as rejection.
D. Humiliation
When humiliated, you perceive that your social status has been diminished and your pride or dignity lost. You may feel like dirt, foolish, ashamed, powerless, or helpless. Humiliating experiences can be extremely traumatic and may cut deep into your psyche and sense of Self, especially when they occur earlier in life when your brain is forming and you are figuring out who
you are.
E. Injustice
At some point, everyone faces situations that are unfair. But does an unfair situation always warrant anxiety or rage? The extent to which you react to feelings of injustice or unfairness is ultimately based on how personally you take the situation. Injustice can come in the form of having a thief violate your property, being wrongly accused, being discriminated against, or the feeling that the universe is throwing you hard luck and no one else, or that a lover has betrayed you.
F. Let down or disappointment
Let’s say you have a friend that more often than not cancels at the last minute. If this were to happen once, you might feel disappointed. But if this were to be a regular occurrence, your disappointment might turn into anger and resentment, or even depression. The extent to which you get angry is dependent on your expectations. If you expected your friend to cancel and had made alternative plans just in case, would you be as angry? If a waiter ignores you, a doctor makes youwait an hour, or a friend makes other plans without you, do you shrug it off, or do you get upset?
Look closely at your own expectations of yourself and others.
G. Grief or loss
Losing someone or something you love can leave you feeling broken and incomplete and full of regret, guilt, or remorse. Sadness, anger, denial, and depression often accompany the experience of loss. Loss can result in feelings of helplessness to change an unjust situation, abandonment by
someone you hold dear, regret or guilt because you could have done something differently, or shaming or blaming yourself for someone’s absence.
H. Illness or physical complaints
When you are not feeling well, aren’t you more easily irritated? Physical issues normally heighten the stress response, giving you less wiggle room when it comes to maintaining your emotional and mental balance. Even simple sleep deprivation can lead to the smallest situation setting off a heightened stress response. In addition to being more on edge you may be angry with your body for betraying you, angry that you are sick in the first place, aggrieved that you can’t do the things you used to do, enraged at the unfairness of being dealt such a bad deck of cards, or you may hold a keener sense of rejection that you are not like normal people and therefore feel you are undesirable. When one suffers from an illness, any or all of the reasons or causes for distress can apply.