Stress Management Part Three
STAND IN YOUR POWER
“When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.”
—Mark Twain
There are some times when letting out a swear word or two can be extremely cathartic and sometimes empowering, especially when it is used as a mechanism to release the energy of stress and when it doesn’t inflict harm on anyone.
Being Powerful
Many people think that being powerful means being aggressive, overbearing, dominating, or controlling. And because these qualities are viewed as negative, many people have contradicting feelings about what being powerful means. As a result, instead of standing in their power, many people give their power away, not wanting to be seen as too aggressive or rude.
Standing in your power has nothing to do with how you treat people or whether you use force to get what you want. It refers to knowing who you are and standing by yourself and your beliefs.
Power isn’t something that comes from external measures but from an internal process of growth, love, acceptance, and awareness. In short, rarely does anyone take your power away; rather, you give it away.
Any time you believe you are not enough or do not have enough to manage adversity, you bring yourself closer to feeling powerless, whether it comes from incessant self-doubt and thoughts of being inadequate, feelings of being overwhelmed, worrying about what others may think, being upset that you are not being heard and have no voice, or feeling that you are not deserving of good or success. As long as you hold on to a “not enough” belief or thought, you sabotage your chances of standing in your own power. When you are not in your own power, you cannot fully honour yourself, what is important to you, who you truly are, what you truly want, what you are capable of accomplishing, or standing strong in your decisions. You are not solid in yourself, in your beliefs, or who you are.
Giving your power away happens the minute you take care of someone else’s needs at your own expense. It happens when you do not say no and take on more than your plate can handle and when you let other people’s feelings matter more than yours. It happens when you are not mindful of how tired, sad, hungry, or lonely you might be and when you criticize yourself by “should-ing” on yourself.
The “Should” Problem
I bet you have never paid attention to how many times you say “should” during the course of a day, either directing that “should” toward someone and what they should have done or toward yourself. You may not realize this, but every time you “should” yourself, you put yourself down and shame yourself. Statements such as “I should have known better,” “I should have gotten a salad, not that burger,” “I should lose weight” or “I should have gone left instead of right” underline the notion that you are not enough and need to be ashamed for this. When you berate yourself like this, the stress response gets triggered, and with that comes other negative emotions,
memories of feeling similarly in the past, and the associated physiological changes.
Perhaps you can witness what should-ing yourself feels like and judge for yourself whether it gives a feeling of invincibility and expansiveness or smallness and contraction.
Quieting the Inner Critic
We all have an inner critic. For some of you, that critic is a loud voice that tries to convince you that you are not enough through the framework of negative emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. When you are running on empty, when your infrastructure is down, or when you are under a lot of stress
and overwhelmed, your inner critic gets louder and louder, cutting you no slack. It doesn’t let you be human or make mistakes. It encourages you to sabotage yourself so that you continue not to take care or support yourself, and ultimately, it causes you to shame yourself and apologize for who you are.
The key is to quiet the inner critic and choose to accept and love yourself instead. Making this choice helps you embark on the path of taking care of you, which lets you heal from hurts, get healthy, get fit, understand yourself better along with your needs and wants, communicate your beliefs and desires with clarity and conviction, and stay unapologetic for what you believe and who you are.
Getting Clarity about What You Want
Clarity is something you gain over time. For the most part, you often have to experience what you don’t want in order to realize what you do want. The problem is that most people ruminate on what they don’t want or don’t like, rather than focusing on the opposite.
The more you hold on to a negative situation, the more you hold on to a negative belief or feeling, the more stress builds up in you—at some point, you explode. This happens when you think about a negative situation over and over again, tell the story repeatedly, or ruminate on it in any shape
or form. The more you focus on how something or someone makes you feel negative, the more you deplete yourself, the worse you become on what you want or deserve.
The key is to acknowledge and honour the way you feel, understanding that your feelings are appropriate and reasonable, but they are not helping you feel good or remedy the situation. Then decide to change those feelings to ones that are positive, are more powerful, and actually serve your well-being. Stating your thoughts and wants out loud repetitively will further enhance your feeling of power.
LAUGH AND LET GO
“Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.”
—Charlie Chaplin
Why Laughter Eases Stress
If you think about it, laughter is highly social and part of the human way of life that allows us to bond and get through difficult times. When you laugh, it is rare that others don’t laugh with you, as it is usually contagious. When people laugh together, their guards are brought down, self-control gets thrown out the window, and a sense of togetherness occurs. When you feel bonded and united with others, your sense of belonging and having social support improves. Having this support improves well-being and the ability to handle adversity, strengthens your infrastructure, and lowers stress.
Humour and especially laughter are great forms of stress relief. Laughter, for instance, stimulates physical changes in the body, including the increase of circulating endorphins, or happy, feel-good chemicals. Like progressive muscle relaxation, laughter induces an increase of the stress response
and muscle tension, followed by relaxation and a reduced heart rate, respiratory rate, and blood pressure. Though studies are inconclusive, laughter may improve your immune system, mood and oxygen consumption, and relieve pain. Laughter is a good no-side-effect intervention for managing
stress.
As human beings, we naturally bring humour into hard situations to help us temper the pain of a memory. Think about a situation that happened to you in the past that was extremely difficult at the time but now you retell as a funny story. How long did it take you to be able to do that with that particular memory? Are there some memories you simply cannot find any humour in?
The deeper the wound, the more hurt you hold on to, and the more likely this memory will serve as a trigger to your distress. When you bring humour into the equation, you change the lens of how you view the memory. You lighten it up a bit, which offers you a more open perspective that enables you to see the situation more objectively. In short, humour and laughter help you let go of your attachment to the negative memories and beliefs, turn down your stress response, connect to a happier mood and therefore happier memories, and ultimately, manage painful or stressful situations better.
Lightening Up and Being Unapologetic
For me, laughter and humour reflect more than just improved coping styles or the ability to socialize better. They are also my segues to lightening up and becoming more childlike, open, curious, and amused by life, rather than threatened by it.
Children don’t apologize for being themselves. They simply are. They are not tormented by the past or by expectations of a future that is yet to happen. They don’t care yet what others think. Children, by virtue of being curious creatures, want to explore, learn, touch, feel, giggle, or snort. Most adults, on the other hand, have lost their childlike sense of play and curiosity and are usually riddled with fear based on past experiences or being judged, or worry regarding expectations of the future. Adults do possess, however, a fully functioning mind and the ability to discern, learn, or grow from past experiences, enabling them to make wise choices regarding the future.
The key is to combine one’s childlike sense of play with the wisdom of having lived without falling prey to fear and negativity. I call it lightening up.
Lightening up means not taking yourself and situations so seriously and being light of heart, open in mind, and unapologetic for who you are.
We were all brought up to meet the expectations of others and told to behave in a certain way that inevitably was done at the expense of our spirit and natural personality. Most of us have been following the rules and meeting the expectations of others for so long, we find ourselves wondering
who we truly are, often having trouble making decisions, and feeling selfish if we want something different or insecure if we do not fit the perfect mold.
Stepping into your power means you get to be unapologetic for being you while also getting to laugh at you.
You can be unapologetic for being rambunctious, having messy hair, being someone who manages to spill things or trip everywhere he goes, being smart and a bit funny, getting mad or hurt sometimes, and being gentle and kind. You can be unapologetic for being you and laugh at your imperfections.
The more you stand in your power, the more you can accept yourself for who you are—your humanness, your strengths, and your weaknesses. You can get closer to this state by bringing laughter and humour into your life. The more you are in your power, the more you will laugh and be able to connect to your childlike state of being.
Moving the Negative Energy with Laughter
There are many options available to you to work on your funny bone and to bring more humour into your life, including when you are angry. In fact, laughter—especially in the form of comical posing, and joke journaling—is a great way to move stress energy. I do find that it is not always easy to employ laughter techniques during times of distress, but it does get easier to do so, especially if you have done the work to heal yourself and your memories.
Maintenance of Your Funny Bone
In order to tap into your sense of humour, especially during difficult times, it is a good idea to work on honing and maintaining your funny bone on a regular basis. If you use it, you won’t lose it. More than this, any measure you can take to engage your funny bone and to help you keep a positive mental attitude will benefit not only your mood but also your health and your relationships. Think about it: the lighter you are, the less seriously you take yourself, and the less upset you will be when life doesn’t go as planned.
GET TO COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS
“When you look deeply into your anger, you will see that the person you call your enemy is also suffering. As soon as you see that, the capacity for accepting and having compassion for them is there.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh
The Wolf You Feed
An old legend tells a story of an old grandfather who speaks to his grandson about why there is violence and cruelty in the world. He says to his grandson, “In each human heart, there are two wolves battling one another. One is fearful and angry, and the other is understanding and kind.”
The grandson then asks, “Which one will win?” His grandfather answers, “Whichever one we choose to feed.”
Which wolf within you will you feed, and what are you going to feed it? Will you feed the wolf of anger and revenge or the wolf of love and compassion?
Compassion and Forgiveness
It isn’t easy to forgive, just as it is challenging to let go of hurts, and it can take years and years for pain to diminish, let alone disappear. It is of course this pain that causes you to feel distressed and react with anger or revenge. This very same pain can guide you to uncovering and healing old wounds so that you can truly stand in your own power and strength of character and live your true potential filled with love, joy, and success. It is from this place that forgiveness is possible.
Understand that forgiveness is not about condoning poor behaviour but rather offering a gift of compassion for the person who has wronged you because you know they suffer while also offering compassion toward yourself because of your suffering.
When you manage to get to a place of forgiveness, you succeed in deciding that you want to live from your highest Self and potential, rather than lowest, knowing that despite your pain, you will grow, learn, and love. The key is to remember that this place of power, love, and centering is within you and never leaves you, even in the hardest of times.
As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in his book Anger in reference to compassion and forgiveness, “When it is raining, we think that there is no sunshine. But if we fly high in an airplane and go through the clouds, we rediscover the sunshine again. We see that the sunshine is always there. In a time of anger or despair, our love is still there also. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate.”
Compassion and Forgiveness Always Start with You
You cannot force yourself or “try” to be compassionate, centered, or otherwise. If you are stressed, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and not functioning from your bliss, the attempt to be compassionate is just that—an attempt. The effort to be compassionate is of course better than an
effort to be vengeful, but the result will not be one of helping you, not the other person, feel better in the end, but will rather result in resentment on your part and more negative behaviour on the other person’s part. I’m sure you can think of a situation in your current life with a friend, colleague, spouse, or family member where you tried to be compassionate and it backfired.
If you are trying, you are not being.
Period.
You either are compassionate or you are not. You are either being present and mindful or not. You are either at peace or not. And if you are not, you cultivate it. This means you take care of yourself first. Pause and become mindful of the way you feel, of your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the
interaction that you are taking part of. Step back and witness. Breathe in and out. Observe and do not judge. Give yourself some breathing space. When you create the breathing space, you create an opportunity for change, growth, and compassion to come in, along with the hearing, listening,
speaking, and understanding that is not influenced by negative judgment, emotions, or beliefs. You create space for the healing of your heart so that you can have space in your heart for another person and their suffering.
Getting to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is an end-goal that you can hope for and work toward. It is the ultimate experience of freedom, of not caring, and of being free of stress. Know that you are never under any obligation to forgive, as it is not easy to get there. True forgiveness, like true compassion, comes from a place
of love and fullness, of being able to understand and accept that all humans suffer and that it is because of this suffering that we can forgive. True forgiveness is not about letting people off the hook for mean or hurtful actions, denying or repressing your own feelings, overlooking anything
or anyone, justifying bad behaviour, being contingent on religious paradigms, or being the better person. Rather, it is about being free from suffering, distress, fear, hate, anger, resentment, and old negative stories that have kept you bound and unhappy. Your heart is open, full of love and compassion for your own plight and for the plight of others.
Forgiveness is not a single act that you do once in a lifetime. Rather, it is a process that takes time, often a lot of time, to understand and work through your own distress, heal yourself, and find compassion within yourself first before you can expand your good will outward. Forgiveness, in other words, is a state you get to when you are ready to rewrite your story of success rather than continue to live in your story of suffering. Forgiveness is letting go of the negativity for good.
Know that from a health perspective, forgiveness is associated with many improvements, from self-esteem to reduced anxiety and depression, decreased blood pressure, less substance abuse, a greater sense of well-being and fulfillment, and overall better physical health.
A FINAL NOTE
My hope for you is that this article has helped you find your bliss, even when your life isn’t going as you planned. Always keep in mind that no matter the situation, you have a choice of how you proceed and whether you look at the situation through your victim lens or your superhero lens.
Some days you will feel like a superhero and other days, not so much. It is up to you to make daily assessments as to what you can do to support yourself to be at your best.
Just as importantly, it is imperative that you learn to know and love yourself even when you are at your worst. The more you do so, the more likely that you will truly take care of yourself. It is when you are at your worst that you are the most depleted and the most in need of care. When you take care of yourself, you are less likely to get angry and blow up.
Always remember that bliss is not a far reach away. You always have the capacity to choose bliss, and now you have the tools to reach for it!