Solitude: Get Comfortable Being Alone
All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone. —BLAISE PASCAL
Solitude Phobia
Spending time alone isn’t at the top of most people’s priority lists. For many of us, the thought of being alone just doesn’t sound appealing. For others, it sounds downright scary. Do any of the points below describe you?
- When you have spare time, the last thing you’d likely do is just sit and think.
- You think spending time by yourself is boring.
- You like to keep the TV or a radio on for background noise when you’re doing things around the house.
- You feel uncomfortable with silence.
- You equate being alone with feeling lonely.
- You would never enjoy doing activities, such as going to a football match or watching a concert, by yourself.
- You’d feel too guilty to do anything by yourself.
- When you have a few spare minutes in a waiting room or in between tasks, you’re likely to make a phone call, send text messages, chat on WhatsApp, or use other social media platforms.
- While driving in the car by yourself, you usually keep the radio on or you talk on the phone to keep yourself entertained.
- Writing in a journal or meditating seems like a waste of time.
- You don’t have time or opportunity for solitude.
Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals. Success in all areas of life requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life to focus on growth.
Why We Avoid Being Alone
Although solitude has plenty of positive connotations among the major religions—Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha were all described as appreciating solitude—being alone has developed some negative associations in modern society. Extreme cases of solitude, such as someone characterized as a “hermit,” are often portrayed negatively in cartoons, fairy tales, and movies. Jokes about becoming “the old cat lady” also serve as gentle suggestions that “being alone makes you go crazy.” Parents place kids in time-outs when they misbehave, which sends the message that being alone is a punishment. And the term “solitary confinement” is used to describe consequences for the worst-of-the-worst prison inmates. Although extreme solitude clearly isn’t healthy, being alone seems to have received such a bad rap that even short durations of alone time can be viewed as unpleasant.
The notion that “being alone is bad” and “being surrounded by people is good” pressures us to fill our social calendars. Sometimes there’s the impression that sitting home alone on a Saturday night isn’t healthy or it means you’re a “loser.” Keeping an overbooked calendar also helps people feel important. The more your phone rings, and the more plans you make, the more important you must be.
Staying busy also serves as a wonderful distraction. If you have problems you don’t want to address, why not invite your neighbours over for dinner or go drinking with some friends? After all, you won’t have to think about your problems as long as you keep your brain occupied with pleasant conversation. Even if you can’t spend time with other people physically, advances in technology mean that you don’t ever really have to be alone. You can talk on the phone almost anywhere, use social media to be in constant contact with people, send text messages, and chat on WhatsApp the second you have a spare moment. You can virtually avoid being alone with your thoughts almost every minute of the day.
There are also societal pressures to be productive. People who feel like they must be accomplishing something all the time may view “alone time” as “wasting time.” So they fill every spare second with activity. Whether they’re cleaning the house or creating more to-do lists, they may not see
much value in taking time to just sit and think because it doesn’t produce immediate tangible results. In fact, they may feel guilty if they’re not “getting something done.”
And then, of course, some individuals just don’t feel comfortable being alone. They’ve grown accustomed to chaos, incessant noise, and constant activity. Down time, silence, and self-care aren’t words in their vocabularies. They’re terrified to be alone with their thoughts because they know they may think about things that could cause them to feel uncomfortable. If they had a few spare moments, they may remember something sad or they may worry about the future. So in an attempt to keep their uncomfortable emotions at bay, they keep their minds as busy as possible.
Being alone often gets confused with being lonely. Feelings of loneliness have been linked to poor sleep, high blood pressure, weaker immune systems, and increased stress hormones. But being alone doesn’t necessarily cause loneliness. In fact, many people feel lonely when they’re
surrounded by others in a crowded room. Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you. But solitude is about making a choice to be alone with your thoughts.
The Problem With Fearing Solitude
Constantly tending to our daily responsibilities and relationships can take a toll on us if we don’t stop and take time to renew ourselves. Unfortunately, the benefits of solitude are often ignored or minimized. Here’s what the research says are some of the major benefits that those of us who fear alone time might be missing out on:
1. Moderate alone time is good for children
A 1997 study called “The Emergence of Solitude as a Constructive Domain of Experience in Early Adolescence” found that fifth to ninth graders who spent moderate amounts of time alone were less likely to exhibit behavioural problems. They also scored lower on depression rating scales and had higher grade point averages.
2. Solitude at the office can increase productivity
Although many office settings promote open work spaces and large brainstorming sessions, a 2000 study called “Cognitive Stimulation in Brainstorming” found that most people in the study performed better when they had some privacy. Spending some time away from everyone has been linked to increased productivity.
3. Alone time may increase your empathy
When people spend time by themselves, they’re more likely to show compassion for others. If you’re spending a lot of time with your social circle, you’re more likely to develop a “we vs. them” mentality, which can cause you to behave less compassionately toward those outside your social circle.
4. Spending time alone sparks creativity
Many successful artists, writers, and musicians credit solitude with improving their performance, and some research suggests that spending time away from the demands of society can boost creativity.
5. Solitary skills are good for mental health
Although there’s often a lot of emphasis on the importance of social skills, evidence suggests solitary skills may be equally important for health and well-being. The ability to tolerate alone time has been linked to increased happiness, life satisfaction, and improved stress management. People who enjoy alone time also experience less depression.
6. Solitude offers restoration
Alone time provides an opportunity to recharge your batteries. Research shows that spending time alone in nature offers rest and renewal.
Practice Tolerating Silence
Most of us are used to having a lot of noise surrounding us during the day. Sometimes, people actively seek out the hustle and bustle to prevent themselves from being alone with their thoughts. Do you or someone you know fall asleep with a TV or radio on for background noise? Trying todrown out your thoughts by bombarding yourself with constant noise isn’t healthy. Building just a few quiet moments into your day can help recharge your batteries. Take at least ten minutes every day to sit quietly by yourself and do nothing but think. If you’re used to constant noise and activity, silence may feel uncomfortable at first. However, with practice it gets easier. Use alone time to do the following:
1. Reflect on your goals
Take a few moments every day to think about your personal or professional goals. Evaluate how you’re doing and think about any changes you may want to make.
2. Pay attention to your feelings
Check in with yourself about how you’re feeling both physically and emotionally. Think about your stress level. Evaluate whether you’re taking good enough care of yourself and think about any ways you could improve your life.
3. Set goals for the future
Don’t stop dreaming about what you may want the future to look like. The first step to creating the type of life you want is deciding how you want the future to look.
4. Write in a journal
Journaling can be a powerful tool in helping you to better understand and learn from your emotions. Research studies show that writing about experiences and the emotions surrounding those experiences boosts immune systems, decreases stress, and improves mental health.
We live in a world where we can be constantly connected to people. But digital connectivity means we have fewer opportunities to be alone with our thoughts. Reaching for your smartphone to check for messages, scrolling through social media accounts, and reading online news stories can take up a lot of your time. Just spending a few minutes here and a few minutes there can add up to several hours a day. Constant communication interrupts your daily activities and can lead to increased stress and anxiety. Take a break from technology and incorporate some more quiet time in your daily life by trying the following:
- Turn off the TV when you’re not actually watching it.
- Ride in the car without the radio playing.
- Go for a walk without taking your smartphone.
- Shut off all your electronics once in a while just to take a break.
Schedule A Date With Yourself
The key to making alone time helpful is that it has to be a choice. Elderly people who live alone and are rather isolated from society, for example, are more likely to feel lonely and less likely to benefit from solitude. But for people who live busy lives that include lots of social interaction, scheduling some alone time can provide an opportunity for rest and renewal. If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of spending time alone, the key is to create positive experiences with solitude. In addition to squeezing in a few minutes of alone time every day, schedule a date with
yourself at least once a month.
By referring to it as a “date” it can remind you that you’re choosing to do something on your own, not because you lack social relationships, but because it’s a healthy thing to do. A 2011 research study titled “An Exercise to Teach the Psychological Benefits of Solitude: The Date with the Self” found that the vast majority of people who scheduled a date alone experienced calmness and serenity. They enjoyed the freedom to do whatever they wanted without any social constraints or expectations. The few participants who didn’t find the experience enjoyable weren’t yet
comfortable being alone. However, increasing their exposure to alone time may help make it a more enjoyable activity for them in the future.
While spending time alone on the beach may offer one person a peaceful and rejuvenating experience, many other people would find the exercise to be dreadful. If you despise something, you aren’t likely to keep it up long term. It’s best to find some solitary activities that you enjoy so you can work them into your routine.
If you appreciate nature, consider spending time in the arboretum. If you love a good meal, go to a restaurant of your choice. You don’t have to stay home to appreciate solitude. Instead, choose to do something that you may not normally do when you’re with people. Just make sure you don’t bury your nose in a book or spend the time chatting on WhatsApp with someone. The point of a date with yourself is to be alone with your thoughts.
Learn Meditation
Although once upon a time meditation was considered something that only monks or hippies did, it’s starting to gain more mainstream acceptance. Many doctors, CEOs, celebrities, and politicians now appreciate the powerful impact meditation has on their mental, physical, and spiritual health. Research shows that meditation alters your brain waves, and over time, your brain physically changes. Studies have shown that regions of the brain associated with learning, memory, and emotion regulation actually begin to thicken after just a few months of meditation.
Meditation has been linked to a variety of emotional benefits, including helping those who practice to reduce negative emotions and to gain a new perspective on stressful situations. Some studiesnreport meditation decreases anxiety and depression. Not to mention the spiritual benefit. While some claim meditation alone offers the path to enlightenment, others encourage combining prayer with meditation.
Additional research says meditation may help with a variety of physical health issues, including asthma, cancer, sleep problems, pain, and heart disease. Although some of the research has been questioned by medical experts, there’s certainly no denying that meditation can have a strong
influence over your body. Just ask Wim Hof.
Hof was nicknamed the Iceman because of his ability to use meditation to tolerate extreme cold. This Dutchman holds over twenty world records for the amazing feats he’s accomplished, including being immersed in ice for well over an hour. He’s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, run marathons in the polar circle, and even hiked halfway up Mount Everest (before his trip was cut short due to a foot injury), all while wearing shorts. Sceptical researchers performed a variety of tests on him because many believed that his feats were somehow fraudulent, but scientists concluded that he was able to maintain a consistent body temperature when he meditated, despite being exposed to extreme temperatures. Hof even begun teaching other people how to control their own thermostats through meditation.
Although being able to withstand being placed in an ice bath for an hour isn’t a skill most of us need—or want for that matter—Hof’s story certainly demonstrates the incredible connection between the mind and body. There are several different types of meditation so it may be helpful to conduct some research to find out which could be the best match for you. It doesn’t have to be a long or formal process. Instead, meditation can just be something you do for five minutes each day to calm your mind and develop a better sense of self-awareness.
Steps To Simple Meditation
In its simplest form, you can perform meditation in just a few easy steps anytime and anywhere.
1. Sit in a Relaxed Position—Find a position that allows you to keep your spine straight, either in a chair or on the floor.
2. Focus on Your Breath—Take deep slow breaths and really feel your breath as you inhale and as you exhale.
3. Return Your Consciousness to Your Breath—Your mind will wander and thoughts will enter your mind. When they do, return your focus to your breathing.
Mindfulness Skills
Mindfulness is often used synonymously with meditation, but they’re not exactly the same thing. Mindfulness is about developing an acute awareness of what is happening within the moment without forming judgment. In today’s world we’re tempted to multitask almost every minute of the day. We chat on WhatsApp while we’re walking, we listen to the radio while we’re cleaning the kitchen, or we try to carry on a conversation with someone while we’re typing on our laptops. Instead of being mindful of what we’re doing, we’re zoned out. Our mind wanders in the midst of a conversation. We can’t remember what we did with our car keys even though we just had them in our hands. And we can’t recall whether we washed our hair already while we’re in the shower.
The research on mindfulness shows a lot of similar benefits to meditation: reduced stress, fewer depressive symptoms, improved memory, decreased emotional reactivity, and even improved satisfaction in relationships. Many researchers suggest mindfulness could be the key to finding happiness. It’s also been linked to improved physical health benefits such as increased immune functioning and decreased inflammation from stress.
Instead of thinking about what is “right” or “wrong” or how things “should be,” mindfulness allows you to accept your thoughts for what they are in the moment. Mindfulness raises your awareness and helps you to “zone in” on each activity you’re doing throughout the day. It encourages you to become more comfortable with being alone with your thoughts while also helping you to live in the moment.
Just like with meditation, you can learn mindfulness skills through books, YouTube videos, workshops, and retreats. It’s taught differently by different people, so if one method of teaching doesn’t work for you, explore other opportunities to learn more about mindfulness. The key to
developing the skills is to remember that they take practice and dedication. But learning these skills can change the quality of your life and provide you with a new perspective on solitude.
Ways To Practice Mindfulness
Many different exercises can help you begin practicing mindfulness. The more you practice, the more you’ll become fully aware, and fully awake, throughout all your daily activities. Here are just a few exercises that can help you develop mindfulness:
1. Scan Your Body—Slowly pay attention to each part of your body from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. Look for areas of your body that may be tense and practice letting go of that tension and relaxing your muscles.
2. Count to Ten—Close your eyes and practice slowly counting to ten. Notice as your mind will likely begin to wander along the way. Refocus your attention back to slowly counting.
3. Consciously Observe—Find an everyday object you have lying around the house, like a pen or a cup. Hold the object in your hands and focus all your attention onto it. Observe how it looks and how it feels in your hands without passing any assessments or judgments. Instead, try to focus on the here and now.
4. Eat a Mindful Bite of Food—Take a small piece of food, such as a strawberry or a nut, and explore it with as many senses as possible. Look at it and notice the texture and colour. Next, observe how it feels in your hand. Then, pay attention to how it smells. Now put it in your mouth and taste it. Chew slowly and pay attention to the flavour and how it feels
in your mouth for at least twenty seconds.
How Embracing Alone Time Will Make You Happier And Successful
Learning skills to quiet your mind and be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful and life-changing experience. In his book 10% Happier, Dan Harris describes how meditation changed his life. As the co-anchor of ABC’s Nightline and a weekend anchor for Good Morning America, he
needed to present his best self live on the air every day. But one day he suffered a panic attack in the middle of reading a news report. As he became overwhelmed with sudden anxiety, he struggled to speak and grew short of breath, forcing him to cut the segment short. He later learned that his panic attack—which he refers to as the most embarrassing moment of his life—likely resulted from his attempts to self-medicate his recent depression with ecstasy and cocaine. Even though he hadn’t gotten high for weeks, the effects had lingered in his brain. The panic attack motivated him to quit self-medicating and he began a new quest to find out how to manage his stress.
Around the same time, Harris was assigned to report on a series about religion. As part of the assignment, he was introduced to meditation. Although he initially felt that meditation wouldn’t be anything he’d ever be interested in, the more he learned, the more open-minded he became.
Eventually, he discovered firsthand how meditation could provide him with realistic strategies to calm the anxious thoughts in his head.
Although he acknowledges he was initially uncomfortable with telling people he’d started meditating, he recognizes how much sharing his story could help other people. He’s clear that meditation didn’t magically fix everything in his life, but he says it improved his mood by 10 percent. In his book he says, “Until we look directly at our minds we don’t really know what our lives are about.”
Spending time alone, whether you choose to meditate or you use some quiet time to simply reflect on your goals, is the best way to really get to know yourself. Just like it’s important to spend quality time with loved ones that you want to get to know, it’s imperative that you spend time getting to know yourself. Developing an improved sense of self-awareness can help you continue to recognize what’s holding you back from reaching your full potential.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
If you ever find yourself dreaming of being stranded on a desert island, it means you’re well overdue for some solitude. Don’t be afraid of scheduling time alone. It’s not selfish or a waste of time. Instead, it could be one of the most beneficial things you could ever do. It can improve your life in a multitude of ways and can help you learn how to enjoy every moment, instead of rushing from one task to the next without being tuned in to what’s really going on around you.
What’s Helpful
- Learning how to appreciate silence.
- Taking a few minutes every day to be alone with your thoughts.
- Scheduling a date with yourself at least one time a month.
- Learning how to meditate to quiet your mind.
- Practicing mindfulness skills to focus on one task at a time.
- Journaling to sort out your emotions.
- Reflecting on your progress and goals daily.
What’s Not Helpful
- Keeping background noise on at all times.
- Hurrying from one activity to the next and focusing on constantly producing something.
- Filling your calendar with social engagements without leaving any time for yourself.
- Believing that meditation couldn’t possibly be helpful.
- Multitasking and zoning out throughout the day.
- Assuming that journaling is a waste of time.
- Looking at your to-do list and judging each day’s progress by how many things you’ve accomplished.