Making Peace With The Past: How To Stop The Past From Holding You Back
We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present. — MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Stuck In History
Sometimes people dwell on the things that happened years ago, while others tend to dwell on whatever happened last week. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
- You wish you could press the rewind button so you could redo portions of your life.
- You struggle with major regrets about your past.
- You spend a lot of time wondering how life would have turned out if only you had chosen a slightly different path.
- You sometimes feel like the best days of your life are already behind you.
- You replay past memories in your mind like a scene from a movie over and over again.
- You sometimes imagine saying or doing something differently in past memories to try and create a different outcome.
- You punish yourself or convince yourself you don’t deserve to be happy.
- You feel ashamed of your past.
- When you make a mistake or experience an embarrassing episode, you keep repeatedly replaying the event in your mind.
- You invest a lot of time in thinking about all the things you “should have” or “could have” done differently.
Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing you from enjoying the present and planning for the future. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the past. You can choose to start living in the moment.
Why We Dwell On The Past
Lingering guilt, shame, and anger are some of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past. You might subconsciously think, If I stay miserable long enough, I’ll eventually be able to forgive myself. You may not even be aware that deep down, you don’t believe you deserve happiness.
Dwelling On The Past Distracts You From The Present
Sometimes we dwell on the past as a way to distract ourselves from the present. Often, we romanticize the past as a way to escape problems in the present.
If, for example, you’re not happy in your current relationship, or if you’re not in a relationship at all, it may be tempting to spend a lot of time thinking about a past love. Perhaps you wish that your last relationship had worked out or you still think if you’d married your college sweetheart, you’d be better off.
It can be tempting to fixate on how much easier or happier life was “back then.” You may even begin to regret some of the decisions you made that landed you where you are today and say things like “If only I’d married my old boyfriend, I’d still be happy”; “If I hadn’t dropped out of college, I’d have a job I love”; or “If I didn’t agree to move to a new town, I’d still have a good life.” The truth is, we don’t know what life would have had in store for us had we not made those choices. But it’s easy for us to imagine that life could be better if we could only change the past.
The Problem With Dwelling On The Past
Ruminating on the past won’t change it. Instead, wasting your time dwelling on what’s already happened will only lead to more problems in the future. Here are some of the ways that dwelling on the past can interfere with your ability to be your best self:
1. You miss out on the present
You can’t enjoy the present if your mind is constantly stuck in the past. You’ll miss out on experiencing new opportunities and celebrating the joys of today if you’re distracted by things that have already occurred.
2. Dwelling on the past makes it impossible to adequately prepare for the future
You won’t be able to clearly define your goals or stay motivated to create change when a big part of you remains stuck in the past.
3. Dwelling on the past interferes with your decision-making skills
When you have unresolved issues from the past, those conflicts will cloud your thinking. You won’t be able to adequately make healthy decisions about what’s best for you today when you can’t get over something that happened yesterday.
4. Dwelling on the past doesn’t solve anything
Replaying the same scripts in your head and focusing on things you no longer have control over won’t resolve anything.
5. Dwelling on the past can lead to depression
Ruminating on negative events conjures up negative emotions. And when you feel sad, the more likely you are to conjure up even more sad memories. Dwelling on past times can be a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck in the same emotional state.
6. Romanticizing the past—the grass-is-greener philosophy—isn’t helpful
It’s easy to convince yourself that you felt happier, more confident, and completely carefree back then. But there’s a good chance you’re exaggerating how great things used to be. It can also make you exaggerate how bad things are now.
7. Dwelling on the past is bad for your physical health
Thinking constantly about negative events increases inflammation in your body, according to a 2013 study conducted by researchers at the University of Ohio. Dwelling on the past could put you at a greater risk for diseases associated with heart disease, cancer, and dementia.
Shift Your Thinking
Dwelling starts out as a cognitive process, but eventually it influences your emotions and behaviour. By shifting the way you think about the past, you can move forward.
1. Schedule time to think about a past event
Sometimes our brains need a chance to sort things out and the more you tell yourself not to think about it, the more those memories can crop up throughout the day. Instead of battling to suppress the memories, remind yourself, I can think about that after dinner tonight. Then, after dinner, give yourself twenty minutes to think about it. When your time is up, move on to something else.
2. Give yourself something else to think about
Create a plan to help you think about something else. For example, decide that whenever you think about that job you didn’t get, you’ll shift your focus to thinking about planning your next vacation. This can be especially helpful if you’re prone to dwell on the negative right before you go to sleep at night.
3. Establish goals for the future
It’s impossible to dwell on the past if you’re planning for the future. Establish both short-term and long-term goals and begin working on the action steps needed to achieve those goals. It will give you something to look forward to while also preventing you from looking too much into the past.
Our memories aren’t as accurate as we think they are. Often, when we recall unpleasant events, we exaggerate and catastrophize them. If you think about something you said during a meeting that you later regretted, you may envision that other people were reacting much more negatively
than they actually did. When you recall negative memories, try these strategies to keep your experiences in perspective:
1. Focus on the lessons you learned
If you’ve endured hard times, focus on what you’ve learned from that experience. Accept that it happened and think about how you may be a changed person because of it but realize that doesn’tnecessarily have to be a bad thing. Maybe you learned to speak up because you allowed yourself to be treated poorly, or perhaps you learned that you need to be honest if you want relationships to last. Some of the best life lessons can be learned from the toughest times you’ve endured.
2. Think about the facts, not the emotion
Thinking about negative events can be very distressing because you’ll likely focus on how you felt during the event. But if you recall an event by walking yourself through the facts and details of the memory, your distress decreases. Instead of dwelling on how you felt when you went to a funeral, recall specific details about where you sat, what you wore, who was there. When you begin to take away the emotion surrounding an event, you’re less likely to dwell on it.
3. Look at the situation differently
When you review your past, examine what other ways there are to look at the same situation. You have control over how you weave the story. The same story can be told countless ways and still be true. If your current version is upsetting, see how else you can look at it.
Make Peace With The Past
The misconceptions we hold about grief can contribute to our choice to live in the past. Many people wrongly believe that the amount of time you grieve over someone is directly proportional to the amount of love you had for someone. If you cared a little about someone who died, you may
grieve for months. But if you really loved that person, you’d grieve for years or even for the rest of your life. But the truth is, there isn’t a right amount of time to grieve. In fact, you may grieve for years, or even forever, but the amount of sadness you feel doesn’t equate to the amount of love you had for that person.
Hopefully, you have many cherished memories of your loved one. But moving forward means actively working toward creating new memories for yourself, making the best decisions for you, and not always doing what someone else would want you to do.
If you find yourself ruminating on some aspect of your past, you may need to take action to make peace with the past. Here are some ways to make peace with the past:
1. Give yourself permission to move forward
Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to move forward. Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to leave your memories of a loved one behind, but it does mean you can do the things you need to do to enjoy the moment and get the most you can out of life.
2. Recognize the emotional toll of dwelling on the past versus moving forward
Sometimes dwelling on the past is a strategy that works in the short term but not in the long term. If you think about the past, you don’t have to focus on what’s going on right now. But, over thelong term, there are consequences. Recognize what you’ll miss out on in life if your attention is
focused on the past.
3. Practice forgiveness
Whether you’re dwelling on past hurt and anger because you can’t forgive yourself or because you can’t forgive someone else, forgiveness can help you let go of that hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting something happened. If someone hurt you, you can forgive them while still deciding not to have any more contact, for example. Instead, focus on letting go so you don’t stay consumed with the hurt and anger.
4. Change behaviour that keeps you stuck in the past
If you find yourself avoiding certain activities—because you are afraid it will drudge up bad memories or because you feel like you don’t deserve to do them—consider doing them anyway. You can’t change the past. But you can choose to accept it. If you’ve made mistakes, you can’t go back and fix them or erase them. You may be able to try and take steps to repair some of the damage you’ve caused, but it won’t make everything better.
5. Seek professional help if necessary
Sometimes traumatic events can lead to mental health issues, like post-traumatic stress disorder. Near-death experiences, for example, can lead to flashbacks and nightmares that make it difficult to make peace with the past. Professional counselling can help reduce the distress associated with traumatic memories so you can move forward more productively.
Making Peace With The Past Will Make You Mentally Stronger
Refusing to dwell on the past doesn’t mean you pretend the past didn’t happen. In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present. Doing so frees up your mental energy and allows you to plan for your future based on who you want to become, not
who you used to be. Anger, shame, and guilt can run your life if you’re not careful. Letting go of those emotions helps you to be in charge of your life.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
If you spend all your time looking in the rear-view mirror, you can’t look out the windscreen. Staying stuck in the past will prevent you from enjoying the future. Recognize times when you’re dwelling on the past and take the steps necessary to heal your emotions so you can move forward.
What’s Helpful
- Reflecting on the past enough that you can learn from it.
- Moving forward in your life, even when it may be painful to do so.
- Actively working through grief so you can focus on the present and plan for the future.
- Thinking about negative events in terms of facts, not emotions.
- Finding ways to make peace with the past.
What’s Not Helpful
- Trying to pretend the past didn’t happen.
- Trying to prevent yourself from moving forward in life.
- Focusing on what you’ve lost in life without being able to live in the past.
- Replaying painful events in your mind repeatedly and focusing on how you felt during them.
- Trying to undo the past or make up for your past mistakes.