Listening Skills
UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
At the most basic level, listening well lets you take in the most information possible in a conversation. You’ll have more to go on when deciding what to say next, and your interactions will flow better. If you don’t listen well, you’ll miss some of the information the other person is sharing.
More importantly, listening well makes other people feel respected, understood, and like you care what they have to say. If you’re not a great listener, you can come across as uninterested, spacey, or self-absorbed. People may hang out with you casually, but feel they can’t have a more serious, substantial conversation with you. Listening is more than parking yourself in front of someone and letting them make sounds at you. People don’t need to feel that all of their conversation partners are fascinated by everything they say, but they do want a sense that the other person cares at least somewhat. Even if you just want to tell a corny joke to a coworker, it doesn’t feel good when they’re obviously tuned out.
Being able to pay attention to people and take in what they’re saying, and not coming off as disengaged, are bare-minimum considerations when having a conversation. When people talk of “listening skills,” they’re often referring to active listening. When you engage in active listening, you listen in a more purposeful, focused, empathetic way; you really try to understand where
someone is coming from, show your interest, and read between the lines of what’s being said. You’d particularly need to use active listening if you were talking to someone about their problems, having a more philosophical discussion, or trying to see the other person’s perspective during an argument. This skill helps you connect with people, make others feel accepted and supported, and resolve disagreements more easily.
While listening skills are extremely important to learn, you should have realistic expectations about the effect improving them will have on your social life. Some self-help sources oversell the significance of these skills and claim that good listeners are rare and that people appreciate nothing
more than someone who truly listens to them. That’s an exaggeration. Listening skills are really useful, but good listeners aren’t that scarce, and being able to listen to people doesn’t guarantee everyone will like you or that you’ll easily be able to get through any conversation.
IDENTIFYING FACETS OF BASIC LISTENING SKILLS
More goes into listening than just hearing what the other person is saying. Your ears, mind, and body are all engaged when you listen well. Consider the following aspects that create a good listening experience, for you and the person you’re talking to:
Intent
It sounds obvious, but one of the keys to listening properly is to want to do it. When people are poor listeners, they usually aren’t that way on purpose. They unconsciously come into the conversation with another agenda or their own issues, which overrides their listening potential. For example, they may be too focused on what they want to talk about and trying to impress everyone.
When you interact with people, make a deliberate decision to try to listen well. That involves
- giving the other person space to say what they want to say, even if you’re not entranced byevery last word or they’re struggling to make their point;
- seriously considering what they’re saying, not just technically hearing it but not giving it a second thought;
- putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and taking on their perspective;
- being as nonjudgmental as possible;
- avoiding any of the specific poor listening behaviors.
Adjust the intensity of your listening depending on the context. If a friend is telling you about a funny video his brother just sent him, you don’t need to try to commune with his innermost being or worry about being open and accepting. Simply let him talk and don’t interrupt.
Giving someone room to speak doesn’t mean you to have to put all of your own conversation needs on the back burner. If someone’s telling you an anecdote, you should listen respectfully, but if you have a story of your own you’d like to share, it’s fine to bring it up at an appropriate time. If they say something you disagree with, you can tell them you see things differently, after you’ve respectfully heard them out. The good listener role also doesn’t obligate you to stick in there with a long-winded monopolizer or someone who’s inappropriately sharing the details of their recent trip to the doctor.
Engaged body language
This makes your listening clear. When you display engaged body language, you:
- Make good eye contact with the speaker.
- Face your body toward them.
- Tilt your head slightly to the side
- If you’re sitting, lean slightly forward.
- Turn away from any distractions.
- Have an appropriate expression on your face, depending on what they’re telling you and what they hope to convey; for example, concerned and understanding as they go over a problem, or interested and amused as they tell you about their eccentric neighbor.
- Nod and make little “uh huh” or “Mmm hmm” noises to show you’re taking everything in and to encourage them to continue (mix up the noises you make and how often you make them, or you’ll seem robotic).
Having a mind-set of wanting to listen is still the most important aspect of listening. Even if you nail all the nonverbals, people can usually tell if you’re just going through the motions. Do each of these with a light touch. The idea is to appear interested, not act like a caricature of a therapist. Again, adjust this basic template based on the circumstances. If you’re lounging on a couch and watching reality TV with your roommate while they casually tell you about something weird that happened at school, you don’t need to full-on face and lean into them. You could show you’re listening by turning your head toward them, making occasional eye contact, and saying “uh huh” and “yeah” every so often.
Responses
Responses in a conversation show that you’re listening. Check out these pointers:
- Make appropriate responses to what the other person says; for example, replying, “Oh wow, that sucks…” in a compassionate voice when they tell you about a sad childhood memory, or laughing as they get to the funny part in a story.
- Show an interest in what they’re saying. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand a point, ask thoughtful questions to get more details, make it clear you really want to explore the topic, and make insightful comments and help them think of things they never thought of.
- Make responses that show you heard and understood what they said. This can include agreeing they’re going through a tough time, making a sympathetic murmur, sharing an experience of your own that tells them you’re on the same page, and asking an intelligent follow-up question that only someone who was really paying attention would think of.
- If they shared some struggles or vulnerabilities, validate that their feelings are normal, and don’t judge them for the way they feel.
- If they shared a lot with you, it may be appropriate to sum up what they told you to show you’ve taken it all in and maybe help clarify their thoughts for them. Paraphrase if you do this. Don’t parrot back their exact words. Use this technique sparingly because doing it too much can really make you look like a cartoon psychoanalyst.
- If the speaker seems to want something from the interaction, like your thoughts on how to deal with an issue with their parents, don’t be in a hurry to give it to them. Let them get it all out first. Give them room to explore on their own.
AVOIDING BEING A POOR LISTENER
A lot of being a good listener is avoiding the habits and behaviors that make you a poor one:
- Talking so much that you’re hardly ever in the listener role
- Not seeming to pay attention to the other person or seeming like you’d rather be doing something else; for example, looking around the room, checking your phone every two seconds, not turning away from the TV, not putting down the magazine you’re reading
- Having bored or distracted body language
- Interrupting
- Being too eager to fill silences; not giving the other person space to form their thoughts
- Finishing the other person’s sentences for them
- Cutting in with a premature summary of what you think the other person is going to say
- Cutting off the other person to respond to what you assume they’re going to say
- Abruptly changing the subject right after the person you’re talking to is done speaking without responding to what they said
- Giving a short, unsatisfying token response to what the other person said, then switching to a totally different topic.
People can be poor listeners because they’re self-centered, sure they’re right, or not interested in a topic. There’s often a non-malicious explanation. Someone could unintentionally come off as a bad listener because
- They’re feeling shy and nervous and are too focused on their insecurities to pay attention.
- They have a naturally spacey, short-attention-span personality.
- They’re in an energetic, overeager, talkative mood.
- They’re legitimately distracted by stresses in their life.
- They misjudged the mood of the interaction (for example, they figured it was light and jokey, while the speaker thought they were having a more serious discussion).
- They thought the speaker had said all they needed to about a topic and that it was okay to change the subject.
- The environment is really loud or distracting.
You can’t always get it right. Sometimes there will be a misunderstanding, and you’ll be seen as a bad listener without meaning to. However, if you know you’re prone to any of the issues above, working on them will indirectly help your listening skills.