Habits: What They Are, Why They’re So Hard To Implement And How To Get Rid Of the Bad Ones
Habits: What They Are, Why They’re So Hard To Implement And How To Get Rid Of The Bad Ones We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. – Will Durant Do you need help forming rock-solid habits that will support you for the rest of your life? Are you the kind of person that sets New Year’s Resolutions but continually fails to stick to them? Have you lost confidence in your ability to get rid of the bad habits that are preventing you from living the life you want? This article is for you if you are in the following situation: You want to get rid of bad habits but have failed many times before. You are struggling with procrastination and/or you lack self-discipline. You want your habits to stick once and for all. You want to implement powerful habits that will serve you for the rest of your life and bring you great results. What If You Could Predict Success? Do you think you can tell whether someone is going to be successful 5 or 10 years from now? You can, believe it or not, and figuring it out is actually very simple. All you have to do is take a look at their typical day. Extraordinary people have extraordinary habits, while average people have average habits. There are very few exceptions to that rule, and it applies to you. So if you want to know where you’re going to be in 10 or 20 years from now, look at what you did today or yesterday. Ask yourself the following question: If I keep doing what I’m doing today, will I bewhere I want to be in 10 or 20 years from now? Be brutally honest with yourself. I encourage you to dig deeper by asking this question for each specific goal you have. Look at your goals and ask yourself, “Will I achieve these goals if I keep on doing what I’m doing today?” You’ll know the answer if you’re honest enough with yourself. How confident are you about your ability to achieve your goals based on what you’re currently doing? On a scale of 1 to 10, is your confidence 8 out of 10, 6 out of 10, or even 3 out of 10? If it’s less than 8 out of 10, you probably don’t have the daily habits that will allow you to successfully achieve your goals. Daily habits aren’t necessarily hard to do, but it’s VERY easy not to do them at all. When asked what keeps you from committing to new habits, you might argue that you were busy today and couldn’t do X, Y or Z for whatever reason. You might say that you’ll find the time later. The truth is, you can always come up with excuses. But if what you’re doing today isn’t going tolead you towards a future of fulfillment, happiness and health, there’s little reason to believe things will magically change later on. How often have you heard people say, “I’ll start tomorrow”? Whether they’re talking about dieting, exercise, or learning a new skill, the result is usually the same. Tomorrow comes and goes but thediet, workout, or activity never starts. And the worst part is, we knew it wasn’t going to happen the minute they said “I’ll start tomorrow.” Never Trust Your Future Self If you want achieve your goals, stick to the following rule: Always assume that what you’re doing today is what you’ll do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and so on and so forth. Doing this focuses your awareness on what you’re doing NOW, not what you may (and most likely won’t) do in the future. By living as if what you do today will determine your future (it will), you’ll be motivated to take action in the present instead of relying on your future self to do something later. Believing that your future self will somehow be more disciplined than your current self is a major trap. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. The fact remains, however, that what your current self does today determines what your future self will do tomorrow! If what you’re doing today isn’t going to lead to the future you envision for yourself, it’s probably time for you to make some changes in your life. Now, let’s take a deeper look at what habits are. Habits: What They are and Why They’re So Hard to Implement Our lives are largely controlled by our subconscious minds, which are in charge of running the habits we’ve adopted consciously or, in most cases, unconsciously over the years. Our brains are very efficient machines that hate wasting energy. Once the brain has been conditioned to perform a certain task repeatedly, it runs primarily on auto-pilot. This is great when you learn to drive or tie your shoes, but it’s not so great when you want to break a habit. It takessignificant effort to change your brain’s pre-existent programming, and it’s an uphill battle until your subconscious mind finally accepts the change. That’s why it’s so hard to form new habits or get rid of old ones. Your brain isn’t wired for change. It likes things just the way they are. Why Habits are Mind-Bogglingly ImportantThe quality of your habits will determine the quality of our life. It’s what you do on a daily basis that truly matters, not what you do from time to time or when you have a sudden burst of motivation. Take a few minutes to look at your current habits. How would you describe them? Are they the habits of a successful, happy person? Or are they the habits of someone stuck in a rut? What a Few Simple Habits Can Do For YouWhen it comes to habits, it’s crucial to realize that even a small daily habit can have a major impact on your life if you stick with them long enough. That’s why making habits is
The World Doesn’t Owe You Anything: How To Stop Feeling Entitled
The World Doesn’t Owe You Anything: How To Stop Feeling Entitled Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. — ROBERT JONES BURDETTE Centre Of The Universe We’re all inclined to want our fair share in life. However, the belief that you’re owed something simply because of who you are or what you’ve been through isn’t healthy. Do you respond positively to any of the points below? You think you perform better than average at most tasks, like driving or interacting with other people. You’re more likely to talk your way out of problems rather than accept the consequences. You believe you were born to be successful. You think your self-worth is tied to your material wealth. You believe you deserve to be happy. You think you’ve dealt with your share of problems in life and it’s your turn to have good things happen to you. You enjoy talking about yourself more than hearing about other people. You think you’re smart enough to succeed without having to work hard. You sometimes buy things you can’t afford but justify it by telling yourself that you’re worth it. You consider yourself an expert in many things. Believing that you shouldn’t have to work as hard or shouldn’t have to go through the same process as everyone else because you’re the exception to the rule isn’t healthy. But you can learn how to stop complaining about not getting what you deserve and start focusing on how to become successful without feeling entitled. Why We Feel The World Owes Us Something Whether it’s someone who has dealt with unfortunate circumstances and thinks he deserves something to make up for it, or it’s someone who thinks she’s better than everyone else and deserves to be rewarded for it, people like that are everywhere. And while we’re good at noticingthis trait in other people, the fact is, all of us feel entitled at one time or another and we often lack the insight to recognize it in ourselves. We live in a world where rights and privileges frequently get confused. Often, people think they have a “right to be happy” or a “right to be treated respectfully,” even if it means they have to infringe on others’ rights to get what they want. Instead of trying to earn privileges, they behave as if society is somehow indebted to them. Advertising tempts us to buy products by promotingself-indulgence and materialism. The idea that “You deserve it,” whether you can afford it or not, leads many among us to go deeply into debt. A feeling that the world owes you something isn’t always about a sense of superiority. Sometimes it is about a sense of injustice. A person who had a difficult childhood, for example, may spendthrift as he buys himself all the things he never had as a kid. He may think the world owes him the opportunity to have nice things, since he missed out on a lot as a youngster. This type of entitlement can be just as detrimental as when people think they’re superior.Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of Generation Me and The Narcissism Epidemic, has conducted many studies on narcissism and entitlement. Her studies have found that younger generations have an increased desire for material wealth and a decreased desire to work. Shesuggests several possible reasons for this disconnect including: 1. The focus on helping children develop self-esteem has gone overboardSchool programs aimed at improving self-esteem teach children that they’re all special. Allowing children to wear shirts that say things like IT’S ALL ABOUT ME or telling them repeatedly, “You’re the best,” fuels their inflated beliefs about self-importance. 2. Overindulgent parenting prevents children from learning how to accept responsibility for their behaviourWhen children are given whatever they want and they don’t have to experience consequences for misbehaviour, they don’t learn the value of earning things. Instead, they’re given an overabundance of material possessions and accolades regardless of their behaviour. 3. Social media fuels mistaken beliefs about self-importanceYoung people can’t imagine a world without “selfies” and self-promotional blogs. It’s unclear if social media actually fuels narcissism or it simply serves as an outlet for people to announce their underlying beliefs of superiority. But there is evidence that suggests people turn to social media to boost their self-esteem. The Problem With A Sense Of Entitlement An entitlement mentality prevents you from earning things based on merit. You’ll be less likely to work hard when you’re busy complaining that you’re not getting what you’re owed. Instead, you’ll expect that you should have things based on who you are or what you’ve been through. You won’t be able to accept responsibility for your behaviour when you’re focused on trying to stake your claim over what you think the world owes you. You’ll also make unrealistic demands of people or be too focused on gaining what you think you deserve to be able to contribute to a relationship in a meaningful way.If you are always demanding, “I deserve to be cared for and treated well,” you may have trouble offering the type of love and respect that will attract a partner who treats you kindly. When you’re focused on yourself, it is extremely challenging to be empathetic. Why donate time and money to other people if you’re always thinking things like I deserve to buy nice things for myself? Instead of experiencing the joy of giving, you’ll be too fixated on what you’re not getting. When you don’t get everything you want entitlement can lead to feelings of bitterness as you’ll think you were somehow victimized. Instead of enjoying all that you have and all that you’re free to do, you’ll focus on all that you don’t have and all the things you can’t do. You’ll likely miss outon some of the best things in life. Develop Self-awareness Of Your Sense Of Entitlement We see it all the time in the media—wealthy people, celebrities,
Solitude: Get Comfortable Being Alone
Solitude: Get Comfortable Being Alone All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone. —BLAISE PASCAL Solitude Phobia Spending time alone isn’t at the top of most people’s priority lists. For many of us, the thought of being alone just doesn’t sound appealing. For others, it sounds downright scary. Do any of the points below describe you? When you have spare time, the last thing you’d likely do is just sit and think. You think spending time by yourself is boring. You like to keep the TV or a radio on for background noise when you’re doing things around the house. You feel uncomfortable with silence. You equate being alone with feeling lonely. You would never enjoy doing activities, such as going to a football match or watching a concert, by yourself. You’d feel too guilty to do anything by yourself. When you have a few spare minutes in a waiting room or in between tasks, you’re likely to make a phone call, send text messages, chat on WhatsApp, or use other social media platforms. While driving in the car by yourself, you usually keep the radio on or you talk on the phone to keep yourself entertained. Writing in a journal or meditating seems like a waste of time. You don’t have time or opportunity for solitude. Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals. Success in all areas of life requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life to focus on growth. Why We Avoid Being Alone Although solitude has plenty of positive connotations among the major religions—Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha were all described as appreciating solitude—being alone has developed some negative associations in modern society. Extreme cases of solitude, such as someone characterized as a “hermit,” are often portrayed negatively in cartoons, fairy tales, and movies. Jokes about becoming “the old cat lady” also serve as gentle suggestions that “being alone makes you go crazy.” Parents place kids in time-outs when they misbehave, which sends the message that being alone is a punishment. And the term “solitary confinement” is used to describe consequences for the worst-of-the-worst prison inmates. Although extreme solitude clearly isn’t healthy, being alone seems to have received such a bad rap that even short durations of alone time can be viewed as unpleasant. The notion that “being alone is bad” and “being surrounded by people is good” pressures us to fill our social calendars. Sometimes there’s the impression that sitting home alone on a Saturday night isn’t healthy or it means you’re a “loser.” Keeping an overbooked calendar also helps people feel important. The more your phone rings, and the more plans you make, the more important you must be. Staying busy also serves as a wonderful distraction. If you have problems you don’t want to address, why not invite your neighbours over for dinner or go drinking with some friends? After all, you won’t have to think about your problems as long as you keep your brain occupied with pleasant conversation. Even if you can’t spend time with other people physically, advances in technology mean that you don’t ever really have to be alone. You can talk on the phone almost anywhere, use social media to be in constant contact with people, send text messages, and chat on WhatsApp the second you have a spare moment. You can virtually avoid being alone with your thoughts almost every minute of the day. There are also societal pressures to be productive. People who feel like they must be accomplishing something all the time may view “alone time” as “wasting time.” So they fill every spare second with activity. Whether they’re cleaning the house or creating more to-do lists, they may not seemuch value in taking time to just sit and think because it doesn’t produce immediate tangible results. In fact, they may feel guilty if they’re not “getting something done.” And then, of course, some individuals just don’t feel comfortable being alone. They’ve grown accustomed to chaos, incessant noise, and constant activity. Down time, silence, and self-care aren’t words in their vocabularies. They’re terrified to be alone with their thoughts because they know they may think about things that could cause them to feel uncomfortable. If they had a few spare moments, they may remember something sad or they may worry about the future. So in an attempt to keep their uncomfortable emotions at bay, they keep their minds as busy as possible. Being alone often gets confused with being lonely. Feelings of loneliness have been linked to poor sleep, high blood pressure, weaker immune systems, and increased stress hormones. But being alone doesn’t necessarily cause loneliness. In fact, many people feel lonely when they’resurrounded by others in a crowded room. Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you. But solitude is about making a choice to be alone with your thoughts. The Problem With Fearing Solitude Constantly tending to our daily responsibilities and relationships can take a toll on us if we don’t stop and take time to renew ourselves. Unfortunately, the benefits of solitude are often ignored or minimized. Here’s what the research says are some of the major benefits that those of us who fear alone time might be missing out on: 1. Moderate alone time is good for childrenA 1997 study called “The Emergence of Solitude as a Constructive Domain of Experience in Early Adolescence” found that fifth to ninth graders who spent moderate amounts of time alone were less likely to exhibit behavioural problems. They also scored lower on depression rating scales and had higher grade point averages. 2. Solitude at the office can increase productivityAlthough many office settings promote open work spaces and large brainstorming sessions, a 2000 study called “Cognitive Stimulation in Brainstorming” found that most people in the study performed better when they had some privacy. Spending some time away
Learning From Mistakes: How To Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes
Learning From Mistakes: How To Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. —JOHN POWELL Repeat Offender Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the first time around, the truth is, everyone repeats mistakes sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Mistakes can be behavioural—like showing up late for work—or they can be cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t like you or never planning ahead. Although someone may say “Next time I won’t jump to conclusions,” they may repeat those same thinking errors if they’re not careful. Do any ofthe points below sound familiar? You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re trying to reach a goal. When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time looking for new ways to overcome it. You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep falling back on your old ways. You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to reach your goals are unsuccessful. You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of your bad habits. You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only to find yourself doing the same thing all over again. Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do things. You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline. Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset. Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals. Why We Make The Same Mistakes If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on earth would the person keep doing it over and over? The truth is, our behaviour is complicated. For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if a child was allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, he would be in danger of accidently memorizing the wrong answer. For example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6, he’d always recall 6 as the right answer, even after hewas corrected. To prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without allowing them to make an educated guess. Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition showed that as long as study participants were given a chance to learn the correct information, they could learn from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers were incorrect, their retention rates for the correct answers improved once their mistakes were corrected. Kids, just likeadults, are able to learn from their mistakes when they’re given the opportunity. Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can learn from our mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger. Growing up, you may have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes than face the consequences. And school wasn’t the only place we built our understanding of handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their missteps. They lie and attempt to talktheir way out of admitting they did anything wrong even when there’s evidence to the contrary. And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future.We’ve all heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .” This is an acknowledgment of behaviour but falls short of admitting a mistake, all because of pride. Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A person who makes a poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got so much invested in this now; I might as well just keep going.” Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk more because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someonein a job she despises may say, “I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this organisation. I don’t want to walk away now.” But the only thing worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day. Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although there’s a lot to be said for “dusting yourself off and getting right back up on the horse,” it is wiser to figure out why you fell off in the first place before you try again. Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems sober. To avoid those mistakes and do something different would feel uncomfortable. And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behaviour and repeat the same mistakes. The Problem With Repeating Our Mistakes Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as the following: 1. You won’t reach your goalsWhether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move
Self Pity: How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Self Pity: How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. —JOHN GARDNER We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below? You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s. If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all. Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else. You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is. You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems. You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well. You often complain about things not being fair. You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes. You think that other people are blessed with easier lives. You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you. Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviours. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude. Why We Feel Sorry For Ourselves If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action ormoving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it. People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance. Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you. Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life. The Problem With Feeling Sorry For Yourself Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways: 1. It’s a waste of timeFeeling sorry for yourself requires a lot of mental energy and does nothing to change the situation. Even when you can’t fix the problem, you can make choices to cope with life’s obstacles in a positive way. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t move you any closer to a solution. 2. It leads to more negative emotionsOnce you allow it to take hold, self-pity will ignite a flurry of other negative emotions. It can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness, and other feelings that fuel more negative thoughts. 3. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecyFeelings of self-pity can lead to living a pitiful life. When you feel sorry for yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll perform at your best. As a result, you may experience more problems and increased failures, which will breed more feelings of self-pity. 4. It prevents you from dealing with other emotionsSelf-pity gets in the way of dealing with grief, sadness, anger, and other emotions. It can stall your progress from healing and moving forward because self-pity keeps the focus on why things should be different rather than accepting the situation for what it is. 5. It causes you to overlook the good in your lifeIf five good things and one bad thing happen in a day, self-pity will cause you to focus only on the negative. When you feel sorry for yourself, you’ll miss out on the positive aspects of life. 6. It interferes with relationshipsA victim mentality is not an attractive characteristic. Complaining about how bad your life is will likely wear on people rather quickly. No one ever says, “What I really like about her is the fact that she always feels sorry for herself.” Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behaviour and forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts. Behave In A Manner That Makes It Hard To Feel Sorry For Yourself When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel. Sometimes, small behavioural changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples: 1. Volunteer to help a worthy causeIt will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving destitute orphans in a children’s home or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home. 2. Perform a random act of kindnessWhether you wash the neighbour’s balcony or donate beddings and toiletries to a local prison, doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day. 3. Do something activePhysical
Keeping Everything Under Control: Strategies To Stop Focusing On Things You Cant Control
Keeping Everything Under Control: Strategies To Stop Focusing On Things You Can’t Control You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced bythem. —MAYA ANGELOU It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic. Do you respond positively to any of these points below? You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent anything bad from happening. You invest energy into wishing other people would change. When faced with a tough situation, you think you can single-handedly fix everything. You believe the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert. You assume that good luck has nothing to do with success. Instead, it’s completely up to you to determine your future. Other people sometimes accuse you of being a “control freak.” You struggle to delegate tasks to other people because you don’t think they’ll do the job right. Even when you recognize you aren’t able to completely control a situation, you struggle to let it go. If you fail at something, you believe you are solely responsible. You don’t feel comfortable asking for help. You think people who don’t reach their goals are completely responsible for their situation. You struggle with teamwork because you doubt the abilities of other people on the team. You have difficulty establishing meaningful relationships because you don’t trust people. Are you guilty of any of the examples above? We can’t possibly make all our circumstances and all the people in our lives fit into the way we think things should be. When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats. Why We Try To Control Everything Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment. The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex. We hold on to the mistaken belief that if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want. Rather than delegating a task to a co-worker, or trusting a spouse to run an errand, we often choose to do it ourselves to make sure it will be “done right” because we don’t trust in other people’scapabilities. Locus Of Control Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your belief system. The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People with an external locus of control believe that their lives depend highly on fate, luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will be.” People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control over their future. They take full responsibility for their successes and failures in life. They believe they have the ability to control everything from their financial future to their health. Your locus of control will determine how you view your circumstances. Imagine a person who attends a job interview. He possesses the qualifications, education, and experience the company is looking for. But a few days after the interview, he receives a call telling him he didn’t get the job. If he has an external locus of control he’ll think, They probably had some overqualified people apply for the position. It wasn’t the right job for me anyway. If he has an internal locus of control, he’s more likely to think, I must not have done a good job impressing them. I knew I should have redone my résumé. I’ve also got to sharpen my interview skills. Several factors influence your locus of control. Your childhood experiences certainly play a role. If you grew up in a family where hard work was valued, you may lean more toward an internal locus of control, because you’ll believe that hard work can pay off. If however, you grew up with parents who drilled into you things such as, “Your vote doesn’t matter in this world,” or “No matter what you do, the world will always keep you down,” you may have developed an external locus of control. Your experiences throughout life can also influence your locus of control. If you achieve success when you try hard, you’ll see that you have a lot of control over the outcome. But if you feel like no matter what you do, things just don’t turn out right, you may begin to feel like you have less control. An internal locus of control has often been idealized as the “best” way to be. Ideas like “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it” have been valued in many cultures. In fact, people with a high sense of control often make great CEOs because they believe in their ability to make a difference. Doctors like having patients with a strong internal locus of control because they do everything possible to treat and prevent illness. But there are also potential downsides to believing you can control everything. The Problem With Wasting Energy On Things You Can’t Control There are several problems associated with trying to control everything: 1. Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxietyEfforts to manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome. 2. Attempting to control everything wastes time and energyWorrying about things outside of your control wastes mental energy. Wishing circumstances were different, trying to convince people they have to do everything your way,
Toxic Character Types
Toxic Character Types Although each person’s character is as unique as a fingerprint, we can notice throughout history certain types that keep recurring and that can be particularly pernicious to deal with. As opposed to the more obviously evil or manipulative characters that you can spot a mile away, these types are trickier. They often lure you in with an appearance that presents their weaknesses as something positive. Only over time do you see the toxic nature beneath the appearance, often when it is too late. Your best defence is to be armed with knowledge of these types, to notice the signs earlier on, and to not get involved or to disengage from them as quickly as possible. 1. The Hyperperfectionist You are lured into their circle by how hard they work, how dedicated they are to making the best of whatever it is they produce. They put in longer hours than even the lowliest employee. Yes, they might explode and yell at people below them for not doing the job right, but that is because they want to maintain the highest standards, and that should be a good thing. But if you have the misfortune of agreeing to work with or for such a type, you will slowly discover the reality. They cannot delegate tasks; they have to oversee everything. It is less about high standards and dedication to the group than about power and control. Such people often have dependency issues stemming from their family background. Any feeling that they might have to depend on someone for something opens up old wounds and anxieties. They can’t trust anyone. Once their back is turned, they imagine everyone slacking off. Their compulsive need to micromanage leads to people feeling resentful and secretly resistant, which is precisely what they fear the most. You will notice that the group they lead is not very well organized, since everything must flow through them. This leads to chaos and political infighting as the courtiers struggle to get closer to the king, who controls everything. Hyperperfectionists will often have health problems, as they work themselves to the bone. They like to blame others for everything that goes wrong—nobody is working hard enough. They have patterns of initial success followed by burnout and spectacular failures. It is best to recognize thetype before getting enmeshed on any level. They cannot be satisfied by anything you do and will chew you up slowly with their anxieties, abusiveness, and desire to control. 2. The Relentless Rebel At first glance such people can seem quite exciting. They hate authority and love the underdog. Almost all of us are secretly attracted to such an attitude; it appeals to the adolescent within us, the desire to snub our nose at the teacher. They don’t recognize rules or precedents. Following conventions is for those who are weak and stodgy. These types will often have a biting sense of humour, which they might turn on you, but that is part of their authenticity, their need to deflate everyone, or so you think. But if you happen to associate with this type more closely, you will see that it is something they cannot control; it is a compulsion to feel superior, not some higher moral quality. In their childhood a parent or father figure probably disappointed them. They came to mistrust and hate all those in power. In the end, they cannot accept any criticism from others because that reeksof authority. They cannot ever be told what to do. Everything must be on their terms. If you cross them in some way, you will be painted as the oppressor and be the brunt of their vicious humour. They gain attention with this rebel pose and soon become addicted to the attention. In the end it is all about power—no one shall be above them, and anyone who dares will pay the price. Look at their past history—they will tend to split with people on very bad terms, made worse by their insults. Do not be lured in by the hipness of their rebel pose. Such types are eternally locked in adolescence, and to try working with them will prove as productive as trying to lock horns with a sullen teenager. 3. The Personalizer These people seem so sensitive and thoughtful, a rare and nice quality. They might seem a little sad, but sensitive people can have it rough in life. You are often drawn in by this air of theirs, and want to help. Also, they can appear quite intelligent, considerate, and good to work with. What you come to realize later on is that their sensitivity really only goes in one direction—inward. They are prone to take everything that people say or do as personal. They tend to brood over things for days, long after you have forgotten some innocuous comment that they have taken personally. As children, they had a gnawing feeling that they never got enough from their parents—love, attention, material possessions. As they get older, everything tends to remind them of what they didn’t get. They go through life resenting this and wanting others to give them things without their having to ask. They are constantly on guard—are you paying them attention, do you respect them,are you giving them what they paid for? Being somewhat irritable and touchy, they inevitably push people away, which makes them even more sensitive. At some point they start to have a look of perpetual disappointment. You will see in their life a pattern of many falling-outs with people, but they will always see themselves as the wronged party. Do not ever inadvertently insult such a type. They have a long memory and can spend years getting back at you. If you can recognize the type early enough, it’s better to avoid them, as they will inevitably make you feel guilty for something. 4. The Drama Magnet They will draw you in with their exciting presence. They have unusual energy and stories to tell. Their
Judging People’s Character
How To Accurately Determine The Strength Of People’s Character When choosing people to work and associate with, do not be mesmerized by their reputation or taken in by the surface image they try to project. Instead, train yourself to look deep within them and see their character. People’s character is formed in their earliest years and by their daily habits. It is what compels them to repeat certain actions in their lives and fall into negative patterns. Look closely at such patterns and remember that people never do something just once. They will inevitably repeat their behaviour. Gauge the relative strength of their character by how well they handle adversity, their ability to adapt and work with other people, their patience and ability to learn. Always gravitate toward those who display signs of strength, and avoid the many toxic types out there. Know thoroughly your own character so you can break your compulsive patterns and take control of your destiny. At all costs, you must alter your perspective. Train yourself to ignore the front that people display, the myth that surrounds them, and instead plumb their depths for signs of their character. This can be seen in the patterns they reveal from their past, the quality of their decisions, how they havechosen to solve problems, how they delegate authority and work with others, and countless other signs. A person of strong character is like gold—rare but invaluable. They can adapt, learn, and improve themselves. Since your success depends on the people you work with and for, make their character the primary object of your attention. You will spare yourself the misery of discovering their character when it is too late. For thousands of years, we humans believed in fate: some kind of force—spirits, gods, or God—compelled us to act in a certain way. At birth our entire lives were laid out in advance; we were fated to succeed or fail. We see the world much differently now. We believe that we are largely in control of what happens to us, that we create our own destiny. Upon occasion, however, we might have a fleeting sensation that approximates what our ancestors must have felt. Perhaps a personal relationship goes bad or our career path hits a snag, and these difficulties are uncannily similar to something that happened to us in the past. Or we realize that our way of working on a project needssome improvement; we could do things better. We try to alter our methods, only to find ourselves doing things in exactly the same way, with nearly the same results. We might feel for a moment that some kind of malignant force in the world, some curse, compels us to relive the same situations. We can often notice this phenomenon more clearly in the actions of others, particularly those closest to us. For instance, we see friends continually fall for exactly the wrong person or unconsciously push away the right person. We cringe at some foolish behaviour of theirs, such as an ill-considered investment or career choice, only to see them repeat the foolishness a few years later, once they have forgotten the lesson. Or we know someone who always manages to offend the wrong person at the wrong time, creating hostility wherever he or she goes. Or they crumble under pressure, always in the same way, but blaming others or bad luck for what happens. And ofcourse we know the addicts who get out of their addiction, only to fall back in or find some other form of addiction. We see these patterns and they don’t, because nobody likes to believe that they are operating under some kind of compulsion beyond their control. It is too disturbing a thought. If we are honest with ourselves, we must admit there is some truth to the concept of fate. We are prone to repeat the same decisions and methods of dealing with problems. There is a pattern to our life, particularly visible in our mistakes and failures. But there is a different way of looking at this concept: it is not spirits or gods that control us but rather our character. The etymology of the word character, from the ancient Greek, refers to an engraving or stamping instrument. Character, then, is something that is so deeply ingrained or stamped within us that it compels us to act in certainways, beyond our awareness and control. We can conceive of this character as having three essential components, each layered on top of the other, giving this character depth. The earliest and deepest layer comes from genetics, from the particular way our brains are wired, which predisposes us toward certain moods and preferences. This genetic component can make some people prone to depression, for instance. It makes some people introverts and othersextroverts. It might even incline some toward becoming especially greedy—for attention or privilege or possessions. The psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who studied infants, believed that the greedy and grasping type of child came into the world predisposed toward this character trait. There might be other genetic factors as well that predispose us toward hostility or anxiety or openness. The second layer, which forms above this, comes from our earliest years and from the particular type of attachments we formed with our mother and caregivers. In these first three or four years our brains are especially malleable. We experience emotions much more intensely, creating memory traces that are much deeper than anything that will follow. In this period of life we are at our most susceptible to the influence of others, and the stamp from these years is profound. John Bowlby, an anthropologist and psychoanalyst, studied patterns of attachment between mothers and children and came up with four basic schemas: free/autonomous, dismissing, enmeshed-ambivalent, and disorganized. The free/autonomous stamp comes from mothers whogive their children freedom to discover themselves and are continually sensitive to their needs but also protect them. Dismissing mothers are often distant, even sometimes hostile and rejecting. Such children are stamped
The Lure Of False Purposes
The Lure Of False Purposes The gravitational pull we feel toward finding a purpose comes from two elements in human nature. First, unable to rely on instincts as other animals do, we require some means of having a sense of direction, a way to guide and restrict our behaviour. Second, we humans are aware of our puniness as individuals in a world with billions of others in a vast universe. We are aware of our mortality, and how we will eventually be swallowed up in the eternity of time. We need to feel larger than just the individuals we are, and connected to something that transcends us. Human nature being what it is, however, many people seek to create purpose and a feeling of transcendence on the cheap, to find it in the easiest and most accessible way, with the least amount of effort. Such people give themselves over to false purposes, those that merely supply the illusionof purpose and transcendence. We can contrast them with real purposes in the following way: The real purpose comes from within. It is an idea, a calling, a sense of mission that we feel personally and intimately connected to. It is our own; we may have been inspired by others, but nobody imposed it upon us and nobody can take it away. If we are religious, we don’t merely accept theorthodoxy; we go through rigorous introspection and make our belief inward, true to ourselves. False purposes come from external sources—belief systems that we swallow whole, conformity to what other people are doing. The real purpose leads us upward, to a more human level. We improve our skills and sharpen our minds; we realize our potential and contribute to society. False purposes lead downward, to the animal side of our nature—to addictions, loss of mental powers, mindless conformity, and cynicism. It is critical that we become aware of these false forms of purpose. Inevitably all of us at some point in our lives fall for them because they are so easy, popular, and cheap. If we can eliminate the impulse toward these lower forms, we will naturally gravitate toward the higher, in ourunavoidable search for meaning and purpose. Here are five of the most common forms of false purposes that have appealed to humans since the beginning of civilization. 1. The pursuit of pleasure For many of us, work is just an irritating necessity of life. What really motivates us is avoiding pain, and finding as much pleasure as possible in our time outside work. The pleasures we pursue can take various forms—sex, stimulants, entertainment, eating, shopping, gambling, technological fads, games of all sorts. No matter the objects of the pursuit, they tend to lead to a dynamic of diminishing returns. The moments of pleasure we get tend to get duller through repetition. We need either more and more of the same or constantly new diversions. Our need often turns into an addiction, and with thedependency comes a diminishing of health and mental powers. We become possessed by the objects we crave and lose ourselves. Under the influence of drugs or alcohol, for instance, we can temporarily feel transported beyond the banality of our lives. This form of false purpose is very common in the world today, largely because of the cornucopia of distractions we can choose from. But it goes against a basic element of human nature: to havedeeper levels of pleasure, we have to learn to limit ourselves. Reading a variety of books for entertainment, in rapid succession, leads to a diminishing sense of satisfaction with each book; our minds are overwhelmed and overstimulated; and we must reach for a new one right away. Reading one excellent book and absorbing ourselves in it has a relaxing and uplifting effect as we discoverhidden riches within it. In the moments when we are not reading, we think of the book again and again. All of us require pleasurable moments outside work, ways to relieve our tension. But when we operate with a sense of purpose, we know the value of limiting ourselves, opting for depth of experience rather than overstimulation. 2. Causes and cults People have a profound need to believe in something, and in the absence of great unifying belief systems, this void is easily filled by all kinds of microcauses and cults. We notice that such groups tend not to last very long. Within ten years they already seem passé. During their brief existence, their adherents will substitute extreme conviction and hyper belief for a clear vision of what they are after. For this purpose, enemies are quickly found and are said to be the source of all that is wrong in the world. Such groups become the means for people to vent their personal frustrations, envy, and hatred. They also get to feel superior, as part of some clique with special access to the truth. We can recognize a microcause or cult by the vagueness of what its disciples want. They cannot describe the kind of world or society they desire in concrete, practical terms. Much of their raison d’être revolves around negative definitions—get rid of these people or those practices and theworld will become a paradise. They have no sense of strategy or defined ways of reaching their nebulous goals, which is a clear sign that their group is merely about the release of emotions. Often such groups will depend on large public gatherings in which people can become intoxicated by numbers and shared feelings. Wily rulers throughout history have used this to great effect. People in a crowd are highly suggestible. Through short, simple phrases, with lots of repetition,they can be made to chant back slogans and swallow the most absurd and irrational ideas. In a crowd people can feel relieved of any personal responsibility, which can lead to violence. They feel transported beyond themselves and not so puny, but such enlargement is an illusion. They areactually made smaller by losing their will and their individual voice. Allying
Strategies For Developing A High Sense Of Purpose
Strategies For Developing A High Sense Of Purpose Once you commit yourself to developing or strengthening your sense of purpose, then the hard work begins. You will face many enemies and obstacles impeding your progress—the distracting voices of others who instil doubts about your calling and your uniqueness; your own boredom andfrustrations with the work itself and your slow progress; the lack of trustworthy criticism from people to help you; the levels of anxiety you must manage; and finally, the burnout that often accompanies focused labour over long periods. The following five strategies are designed to help you move past these obstacles. They are in a loose order, the first being the essential starting point. You will want to put them all into practice to ensure continual movement forward. 1. Discover your calling in life You begin this strategy by looking for signs of primal inclinations in your earliest years, when they were often the clearest. Some people can easily remember such early indications, but for many of us it requires some introspection and some digging. What you are looking for is moments inwhich you were unusually fascinated by a particular subject, or certain objects, or specific activities and forms of play. The great nineteenth- and early-twentieth-century scientist Marie Curie could distinctly recall the moment when she was four years old and entered her father’s office, suddenly mesmerized by the sight of all sorts of tubes and measuring devices for various chemistry experiments placed behinda polished glass case. Her whole life she would feel a similar visceral thrill whenever she entered a laboratory. For Anton Chekhov, it was attending his first play in a theatre as a boy in his small town. The whole atmosphere of make-believe thrilled him. For Steve Jobs, it was passing an electronics store as a child and seeing the wondrous gadgets in the window, marvelling at their design and complexity. For Tiger Woods, it was, at the age of two, watching his father hit golf balls into a net in the garage and being unable to contain his excitement and desire to imitate him. For the writer Jean-Paul Sartre, it was a childhood fascination with printed words on a page, and the possible magical meanings each word possessed. These moments of visceral attraction occurred suddenly and without any prodding from parents or friends. It would be hard to put into words why they occurred; they are signs of something beyond our personal control. The actress Ingrid Bergman expressed it best, when talking of the fascinationshe had with performing in front of her father’s movie camera at a very early age: “I didn’t choose acting. It chose me.” Sometimes these moments can come when we are older, as when Martin Luther King Jr. realized his mission in life as he got pulled into the Montgomery bus boycott. And sometimes they can occur while observing other people who are masters in their field. As a young man, the future Japanese film director Akira Kurosawa felt particularly aimless. He tried painting, then apprenticed as an assistant director on films, a job he hated. He was ready to quit when he got assigned to work for the director Kajiro Yamamoto in 1936. Watching this great master at work, suddenly his eyes were opened to the magical possibilities of film, and he realized his calling. As he later described this, “It was like the wind in a mountain pass blowing across myface. By this I mean that wonderfully refreshing wind you feel after a painfully hard climb. The breath of that wind tells you, you are reaching the pass. Then you stand in the pass and look down over the panorama as it opens up. When I stood behind Yama-san in his director’s chair next to the camera, I felt my heart swell with that same feeling—‘I’ve made it at last.’” As another sign, examine moments in your life when certain tasks or activities felt natural and easy to you, similar to swimming with a current. In performing such activities, you have a greater tolerance for the tedium of practicing. People’s criticisms don’t discourage you so easily; you wantto learn. You can contrast this with other subjects or tasks that you find deeply boring and unfulfilling, which frustrate you. Related to this, you will want to figure out the particular form of intelligence that your brain is wired for. In his book Frames of Mind, the psychologist Howard Gardner lists certain forms of intelligence for which people usually have one particular gift or affinity. This could be mathematics and logic, physical activity, words, images, or music. We could also add to this socialintelligence, a superior sensitivity to people. When you are engaged in the activity that feels right, it will correspond to that form of intelligence for which your brain is most suited. From these various factors you should be able to spot the outline of your calling. In essence, in going through this process you are discovering yourself, what makes you different, what predates the opinions of others. You are reacquainting yourself with your natural likes and dislikes. Later in life we often lose contact with our own preferences for things, deeply influenced by what others are doing and by the culture. You are subtracting such external influences. The deeper you make this connection to your calling, the more you will be able to resist the bad ideas of others. You will engage that internal guidance system. Put some time into the process, working with a journal ifnecessary. You are developing the habit of assessing and listening to yourself, so that you can continually monitor your progress and adjust this calling to the various stages in your life. If you are young and just starting out in your career, you will want to explore a relatively wide field related to your inclinations—for instance, if your affinity is words and writing, try all the different types of writing until you hit upon the right fit. If you are older