How To Create A Legacy You Are Proud Of: Making An Impact Beyond Your Own Life
HOW TO CREATE A LEGACY YOU ARE PROUD OF: MAKING AN IMPACT BEYOND YOUR OWN LIFE DEVELOPING THE “MIDAS TOUCH” A few years ago, I read a book on Greek mythology. One of the stories that has stuck with me is that of King Midas. He was the king of ancient Phrygia. One day he gave assistance to an old friend of Dionysus, the god of revelry, and as a reward, Midas was granted one wish. He asked Dionysus to make everything he touched turn to gold. When his wish was granted, he touched a tree—and it turned to gold. He touched a horse—and it became solid gold. In a matter of minutes, he was becoming the richest man in the world. His trouble started when he got hungry. He sat down at a banquet table, and the meat he reached for turned to solid gold as soon as he touched it. The same happened to the wine he tried to drink. But the worst thing happened when his daughter hugged him. She instantly became a golden statue. In the end, Midas begged Dionysus to take his golden power away from him. Dionysus sent Midas to the source of the river Pactolus, where he was to bathe in order to be restored to normal. He went, taking his daughter with him, and ultimately both were changed back to their previous state. Only after Midas lost his golden ability was he happy again. REAL GOLD Today, when someone is told that he has the “Midas touch,” it’s usually meant as a compliment. It’s an indication he has a great knack for making money. But a single-minded fixation on wealth is just as damaging to a person today as it was during the time of the ancient Greeks. American publisher and businessman B. C. Forbes, who founded Forbes magazine, commented: Are your desires purely selfish? Do your tastes run to a grand home, cars, fine clothes, an abundance of amusements, and so forth? If so, look around you at people who have such things in superabundance. Are they any happier, do you think, than you are? Are they any better morally? Are they any stronger physically? Are they better liked by their friends than you are by your friends? . . . Andrew Carnegie said, “Millionaires rarely smile.” This is substantially true. Real wealth isn’t found in what we acquire. As nineteenth-century slavery abolitionist and clergyman Henry Ward Beecher asserted, “In this world it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich.” NOT FOOL’S GOLD I believe there is a wealth that is greater than money, and it comes from how you interact with others. People who practice the Golden Rule treat others with dignity and respect and can be content in the knowledge that they are living an ethical life. However, it’s possible to take this Golden Rule to another level. You can develop a “Midas touch” with people by taking your focus off yourself and what you can gain, and instead focusing on adding value to others. Giving truly is the highest level of living. It makes the world a better place. And it also makes for better business. H. E. Steiner asserted, “We shall have better business when everyone realizes that while it pays to invest money in their industries and develop natural resources, it pays still higher dividends to improve mankind and develop human resources.” If you desire more than just a full bank account and you desire to build real riches—by investing in people—then strive to live out the following practices: Treat People Better Than They Treat You It’s easy to love people who love you. And showing kindness to people who treat you well is little more than common courtesy. But how do you respond to poor treatment by others? Do you return disrespect with disrespect? Do you meet aggression with aggression? It doesn’t take much for unkindness to escalate into greater conflict. Take a look at some of these seemingly petty disagreements that grew into full-blown war: A dispute between the cities of Modena and Bologna over a well bucket about seven hundred years ago began a war that devastated Europe. A Chinese emperor once went to war over the breaking of a teapot. Sweden and Poland flew at each other’s throats in 1654 because the king of Sweden discovered that his name in an official dispatch was followed by only two et ceteras, while the king of Poland had three. The spilling of a glass of water on the Marquis de Torey led to war between France and England. By throwing a pebble at the Duc de Guise, a small boy caused the massacre of Vassy and the Thirty Years’ War. It takes a person of strong character to treat others better than they treat you! As civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” If everyone treated others as one would want to be treated by them, the world would be a better place. But think about what kind of world it would be if everyone strove to treat others better than they are treated. I try to treat everyone I meet with respect. I desire to be a giver in every relationship. I can honestly say that I have no enemies. If I have an issue with somebody, I address it as soon as I can; then I move on. And I hold no grudges. They only get heavier the longer you carry them. Try taking the high road with people, even when they don’t treat you with the respect you feel you deserve. Try to be kind instead of treating people in kind. You’ll find that it’s very freeing. 2. Walk the Second Mile There are a lot of people in this world who aren’t doing their fair share of the work. People who do the bare minimum never achieve much
The Role Other People And Mentors Play In Your Growth Journey
THE ROLE OTHER PEOPLE AND MENTORS PLAY IN YOUR GROWTH JOURNEY What kind of attitude do you have when it comes to learning from others? All people fall into one of the categories described by the following statements: No One Can Teach Me Anything—Arrogant Attitude I think we sometimes assume that ignorance is the greatest enemy of teachability. However, that really has little to do with teachability. Haven’t you known some highly educated and highly successful people who do not want to hear the suggestions or opinions of anyone else? Some people think they know it all! A person who creates a large, successful organization may think he can’t learn from people who run a smaller one. A person who receives a doctorate can become unreceptive to instruction from anyone else because she is now considered an expert. Another person who is the most experienced in a company or department may not listen to the ideas of someone younger. Such people don’t realize how much they are hurting themselves. The reality is that no one is too old, too smart, or too successful to learn something new. The only thing that can come between a person and the ability to learn and improve is a bad attitude. Someone Can Teach Me Everything—Naive Attitude People who realize that they have room to grow often seek a mentor. That’s usually a good thing. However, it’s naive for individuals to think they can learn everything they need to know from just one person. People don’t need a mentor—they need many mentors. I’ve learned so much from so many people. Everyone Can Teach Me Something—Teachable Attitude The people who learn the most aren’t necessarily the ones who spend time with the smartest people. They are the ones with a teachable attitude. Every person has something to share—a lesson learned, an observation, a life experience. We just need to be willing to listen. In fact, often people teach us things when they don’t intend to do so. Ask any parents and you will find out that they learned things from their children—even when their kids were infants incapable of communicating a single word. The only time people can’t teach us things is when we are unwilling to learn. I’m not saying that every person you meet will teach you something. All I’m saying is that people have the potential to do so—if you’ll let them. HOW TO LEARN FROM OTHERS If you have a teachable attitude—or you are willing to adopt one—you will be positioned well to learn from others. Then all you will need to do is take the following five steps: Make Learning Your Passion Management expert Philip B. Crosby noted: There is a theory of human behaviour that says people subconsciously retard their own intellectual growth. They come to rely on clichés and habits. Once they reach the age of their own personal comfort with the world, they stop learning and their mind runs on idle for the rest of their days. They may progress organizationally, they may be ambitious and eager, and they may even work night and day. But they learn no more. That’s sometimes the problem with people who received the positions they dreamed of or reached the goals they set for their organizations or earned the degrees they strived for. In their minds, they have reached their destinations. They get comfortable. If you desire to keep growing, you cannot sit back in a comfort zone. You need to make learning your goal. Do that and you will never run out of mental energy, and your motivation will be strong. And don’t worry about having people to teach you. Greek philosopher Plato said, “When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.” Value People Years ago, when I was younger and inexperienced, I thought only older, more successful people could teach me anything. I placed very little value on other people. And that was a wrong attitude. Later in life, after I created and started pursuing my plan for personal growth, I came to realize that people don’t learn from people they don’t value. Now I have changed my thinking moving forward. Develop Relationships With Growth Potential It’s true that everyone has something to teach us, but that doesn’t mean anyone can teach us everything we want to learn. We need to find people who are especially likely to help us grow—experts in our field, creative thinkers who will stretch us mentally, achievers who will inspire us to go to the next level. Learning is often the reward for spending time with remarkable people. Who they are and what they know rub off. As Donald Clifton and Paula Nelson, authors of Soar with Your Strengths observe, “Relationships help us define who we are and what we become.” Identify People’s Uniqueness And Strengths Philosopher-poet Ralph Waldo Emerson remarked, “I have never met a man who was not my superior in some particular.” People grow best in their areas of strength—and can learn the most from another person’s area of strength. For that reason, you can’t be indiscriminate in choosing the people you seek out to teach you. Ask Questions Anytime I’m exposed to something new I try to learn about it. And the best way to learn is to watch and ask questions. Writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe believed that “one ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” I would add that one ought to also ask questions to learn something new each day. The person who asks the right questions learns the most. CHOOSE A MENTOR TO HELP YOU GROW You must have the right attitude toward others in order to grow. But if you really want to maximize your progress, you need to take another step. You need to find a mentor who can model what you want to learn and help you grow. At
Maintaining A Teachable Attitude: Lessons For A Life Of Success
MAINTAINING A TEACHABLE ATTITUDE: LESSONS FOR A LIFE OF SUCCESS It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts. If you are a highly talented person, you may have a tough time with teachability. Why? Because talented people often think they know it all. And that makes it difficult for them to continually expand their talent. Teachability is not so much about competence and mental capacity as it is about attitude. It is the desire to listen, learn, and apply. It is the hunger to discover and grow. It is the willingness to learn, unlearn, and relearn. When I teach and mentor people, I remind them that if they stop learning, they stop growing. But if they remain teachable and keep learning, they will be able to keep making an impact where they are. Whatever your talent happens to be—whether it’s leadership, craftsmanship, entrepreneurship, or something else—you will expand it if you keep expecting and striving to learn. Talented individuals with teachable attitudes become talent-plus people. TEACHABILITY TRUTHS To make the most of your talent and remain teachable, consider the following truths about teaching: Nothing Is Interesting If You Are Not Interested It’s a shame when people allow themselves to get in a rut and never climb out. They often miss the best that life has to offer. In contrast, teachable people are fully engaged in life. They get excited about things. They are interested in discovery, discussion, application, and growth. There is a definite relationship between passion and potential. German philosopher Goethe advised, “Never let a day pass without looking at some perfect work of art, hearing some great piece of music and reading, in part, some great book.” The more engaged you are, the more interesting life will be. The more interested you are in exploring and learning, the greater your potential for growth. Successful People View Learning Differently From Those Who Are Unsuccessful After a few years of teaching and training people, I’ve come to realize that successful people think differently from unsuccessful ones. That doesn’t mean that unsuccessful people are unable to think the way successful people do. Those successful thinking patterns pertain to learning as well. Teachable people are always open to new ideas and are willing to learn from anyone who has something to offer. American journalist Sydney J. Harris wrote, “A winner knows how much he still has to learn, even when he is considered an expert by others. A loser wants to be considered an expert by others, before he has learned enough to know how little he knows.” It’s all a matter of attitude. Learning Is Meant To Be A Lifelong Pursuit It’s said that the Roman scholar Cato started to study Greek when he was more than eighty years old. When asked why he was tackling such a difficult task at his age, he replied, “It is the earliest age I have left.” Unlike Cato, too many people regard learning as an event instead of a process. Someone told me that only one-third of all adults read an entire book after their last graduation. Why would that be? Because they view education as a period of life, not a way of life! Learning is an activity that is not restricted by age. It doesn’t matter if you’re past eighty, like Cato, or haven’t yet entered your teens. Author Julio Melara was only eleven years old when he began to acquire major life lessons that he has been able to carry with him into adulthood and to teach others. Here are some of the things he’s learned, taken from his book, It Only Takes Everything You’ve Got!: Lessons for a Life of Success. “Here is a list of all the jobs you will not find on my résumé but lessons that have lasted a lifetime: Started cutting grass for profit at age 11. Lesson learned: It is important to give things a clean, professional look. Stock clerk at a local food store. Lesson learned: Making sure that if I am going to sell something, the merchandise needs to be in stock. Dishwasher at local restaurant. Lesson learned: Somebody always has to do the job no one else wants to do. Also, most people have a lot of food on their plates. (They do not finish what they start.) A janitor at an office building. Lesson learned: The importance of cleanliness as it’s related to image. Fry and prep cook at a steak house. Lesson learned: The importance of preparation and the impact of the right presentation. Construction helping hand. (lug wood and supplies from one place to another) Lesson learned: I do not want to do this for the rest of my life. Sold newspaper subscription for daily paper. Lesson learned: The job of rejection—had to knock on at least thirty doors before I ever sold one subscription. Shipping clerk at a plumbing supply house. Lesson learned: Delivering your project or service on time is just as important as selling it. Breakfast cook at a twenty-four-hour restaurant stop. Lesson learned: How to do fifteen things at once. Also learned about the weird things people like to eat on their eggs. Cleaned cars at detailing shop. Lesson learned: The importance of details (washing vs. detailing). You can pay $15 just to wash the outside of the car or $150 to clean the car inside and out and cover all the details. Details are a pain, but details are valuable. Shoe salesman at a retail store. Lesson learned: To sell customers what they want and like. Also, learned to compliment people and be sincere. Busboy at a local diner. Lesson learned: People enjoy being served with a smile and they love a clean table.” Every stage of life presents lessons to be learned. We can choose to be teachable and continue to learn them, or we can be closed-minded and stop growing. The decision is ours. Pride Is The Number One Hindrance To Teachability Author, trainer, and speaker Dave
Personal Branding: A Brand Called You
Personal Branding: A Brand Called You In a brilliant and often referenced article titled “A Brand Called You,” management guru Tom Peters argued the case for personal branding: “Regardless of age, regardless of position, regardless of the business we happen to be in, all of us need to understand the importance of branding. Weare CEOs of our own companies: Me Inc. To be in business today, our most important job is to be head marketer for the brand called You. It’s that simple—and that hard. And that inescapable.” In his book, Me 2.0, personal branding guru, Dan Schwabel defines personal branding as “. . . the process by which individuals differentiate themselves and stand out from the crowd by identifying and articulating their unique value proposition, whether professional or personal, and then leveraging it across platforms with a consistent message and image to achieve a specific goal. In this way, individuals can enhance their recognition as experts in their field, establish reputation and credibility, advance their careers, and build self-confidence.” The simple definition of branding is the act of distinguishing one commodity, service, or product from another in order to create differentiation in the mind of the purchaser: Nike vs. Adidas, Coke vs. Pepsi, Apple vs. Samsung. Following this definition, personal branding is the act of distinguishing one’s self from others in the same industry or field by creating differentiation in the mind of the customer, prospect, peer, or manager. As Tom Peters articulates in his article, the concept is simple, but implementing it is not. It requires constant focus, self-discipline, and self-awareness. Your personal brand is the perception of others based on how they perceive you on the surface and their actual experience with you. Your personal brand is a promise of the value customers, prospects, peers, employees, and managers will receive when investing their time with you. In her book, Get Back to Work Faster, bestselling author and sales guru, Jill Konrath, makes the case for this, writing that we each must have a value proposition that others perceive as tangible value to their business. Your personal brand is powerful when dealing with others because it replaces concerns about logical issues (price, terms and conditions, delivery times, quality, or experience) with the emotional decision to do business with you based on the belief that you, and only you, can truly solve their problems. Thisemotional connection to your brand will propel you to the upper echelons of your industry. Building a Personal Brand There is the misnomer that to build a personal brand you have to sell others on why you should be valued. People love to buy, but they hate to be sold. Building a strong personal brand is achieved primarily through actions. It is what you do versus what you say. Over time, this shapes the perceptions of those with whom you do business and most importantly generates brand loyalty. Inevery interaction with others, you are provided with an opportunity to differentiate yourself. This shapes and reinforces the perception that there is unique value in doing business with you. Everything you do and everything left undone, big and small, good or bad, is judged and the accumulated impact of those actions affects how others perceive the brand called You. Action alone is not enough, though. Personal branding also requires you to invest in the ongoing process of managing your reputation and credibility. This enables those who have no direct experience with you to have a positive perception prior to actually meeting you, and those who have had an experience with you receive consistent messaging (positive emotional experiences) that reinforces their belief that you bring value as a problem solver. Not unlike branding a product or service, you must develop consistent messaging, positioning, and packaging that allow you to manage how others perceive you. In today’s world, this means investing in both your online andoffline presence. This article is designed to provide you with the basic tools you need to build and manage the brand called You. As always, my goal is to keep things simple and easy to execute. Interpersonal Relationships The quality of your interpersonal relationships will always have the greatest impact on your personal brand. Imagine a real estate agent who spends so much money on advertising. He puts his face on billboards, on bus-stop benches, and in real estate magazines. He may build his brand awareness up to the point that his phone starts ringing; but, if he is an unlikable, self-centered person who is unable to emotionally connect with people, it will not take much time for his reputation to suffer. Word of mouth is far more powerful than billboards. Answering the following five questions will help you identify the most powerful tools you need in your branding toolbox. Be honest with yourself. Consider your relationships and recent interactions with other people. Think about it. How are you perceived? 1. Is Brand You Likable?Are you consistently smiling, cheerful, and polite? How about manners? Do people perceive you as enthusiastic, optimistic, confident, and authentic? 2. Do You Connect?Do people like being around you because you make them feel important? Do you take a genuine interest in others? Do you give others your complete attention and listen deeply? Do people feel that you listen to them? 3. Are You a Problem Solver? Do you deliver value first by consistently focusing on and solving others’ problems? Do you solve problems even if there is nothing in it for you? Are your customers loyal to you because you consistently solve their problems? Do people feel that you genuinely want to help them get what they want, not because it is in your best interest, but because it is in their best interest? 4. Are You Trustworthy?Do you do what you say you will do? Can people count on you? Do you freely admit when you are wrong or have made mistakes, and do you apologize? Do others feel that you keep your promises? 5. Do You
The Flexible Mind—Self Strategies
The Flexible Mind—Self-Strategies You find it frustrating when people resist your good ideas out of sheer stubbornness, but you are largely unaware of how the same problem—your own stubbornness—afflicts you and limits your creative powers. As children our minds were remarkably flexible. We could learn at a rate that far surpasses our adult capacities. We can attribute much of the source of this power to our feelings of weakness and vulnerability. Sensing our inferiority in relation to those older than us, we felt highly motivatedto learn. We were also genuinely curious and hungry for new information. We were open to the influence of parents, peers, and teachers. In adolescence many of us had the experience of falling under the sway of a great book or writer. We became entranced by the novel ideas in the book, and because we were so open to influence, these early encounters with exciting ideas sank deeply into our minds and became part of our own thought processes, affecting us decades after we absorbed them. Such influences enriched our mental landscape, and in fact our intelligence depends on the ability to absorb the lessons and ideas of those who are older and wiser. Just as the body tightens with age, however, so does the mind. And just as our sense of weakness and vulnerability motivated the desire to learn, so does our creeping sense of superiority slowly close us off to new ideas and influences. Some may advocate that we all become more sceptical in the modern world, but in fact a far greater danger comes from the increasing closing of the mind that afflicts us as individuals as we get older, and seems to be afflicting our culture in general. Let us define the ideal state of the mind as one that retains the flexibility of youth along with the reasoning powers of the adult. Such a mind is open to the influence of others. And just as you use strategies to melt people’s resistance, you must do the same on yourself, working to soften up yourrigid mental patterns. To reach such an ideal, we must first adopt the key tenet of the Socratic philosophy. One of Socrates’s earliest admirers was a young man named Chaerephon. Frustrated that more Athenians did not revere Socrates as he himself did, Chaerephon visited the Oracle of Delphi and posed a question: “Is there a wiser man than Socrates in all of Athens?” The oracle answered no. Chaerephon felt vindicated in his admiration of Socrates and rushed to tell his mentor the good news. Socrates, however, being a humble man, was not at all pleased to hear this and was determined to prove the oracle wrong. He visited many people, each eminent in their own field—politics, the arts, business—and asked them many questions. When they kept to knowledge of their field, they seemed quite intelligent. But then they would expatiate on all kinds of subjects about which they clearly knew nothing. On such subjects they merely spouted the conventional wisdom. They did not think through any of these ideas. Finally Socrates had to admit that the oracle was indeed accurate—he was wiser than all the others because he was aware of his own ignorance. Over and over again he examined and re-examined his own ideas, seeing inadequacies and infantile emotions lodged within them. His motto in lifehad become “The unexamined life is not worth living.” The charm of Socrates, what made him sodevilishly fascinating to the youth of Athens, was the supreme openness of his mind. In essence, Socrates assumed the weaker, vulnerable position of the ignorant child, always asking questions. Think of it this way: We like to scoff at the superstitious and irrational ideas that most people held in the seventeenth century. Imagine how those of the twenty-fifth century will scoff at ours. Our knowledge of the world is limited, despite the advances of science. Our ideas are conditioned by the prejudices instilled in us by our parents, by our culture, and by the historical period we live in. They are further limited by the increasing rigidity of the mind. A bit more humility about what we know would make us all more curious and interested in a wider range of ideas. When it comes to the ideas and opinions you hold, see them as toys or building blocks that you are playing with. Some you will keep, others you will knock down, but your spirit remains flexible and playful. To take this further, you can adopt a strategy promulgated by Friedrich Nietzsche: “He who really wants to get to know something new (be it a person, an event, a book) does well to entertain it with all possible love and to avert his eyes quickly from everything in it he finds inimical, repellent,false, indeed to banish it from mind: so that, for example, he allows the author of a book the longest start and then, like one watching a race, desires with beating heart that he may reach his goal. For with this procedure one penetrates to the heart of the new thing, to the point that actually moves it: and precisely this is what is meant by getting to know it. If one has gone this far, reason can afterwards make its reservations; that over-estimation, that temporary suspension of the critical pendulum, was only an artifice for luring forth the soul of the thing.” Even in writing that is inimical to your own ideas there is often something that rings true, which represents the “soul of the thing.” Opening yourself up to its influence in this way should become part of your mental habits, allowing you to better understand things, even to criticize them properly. Sometimes, however, that “soul” will move you as well and gain some influence, enriching your mind in the process. Upon occasion it is good to let go of your deepest set of rules and restrictions. The great fourteenth-century Zen master Bassui posted at the door of his temple
Five Strategies For Becoming A Master Influencer And Persuader
Five Strategies For Becoming A Master Influencer And Persuader 1. Transform yourself into a deep listener In the normal flow of a conversation, our attention is divided. We hear parts of what other people are saying, in order to follow and keep the conversation going. At the same time, we’re planning what we’ll say next, some exciting story of our own. Or we are even daydreaming about something irrelevant. The reason for this is simple: we are more interested in our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences than in those of the other person. If this were not the case, we would find it relatively easy to listen with full attention. The usual prescription is to talk less and listen more, but this is meaningless advice as long as we prefer our own internal monologue. The only solution is to somehow be motivated to reverse this dynamic. Think of it this way: You know your own thoughts only too well. You are rarely surprised. Your mind tends to circle obsessively around the same subjects. But each person you encounter represents an undiscovered country full of surprises. Imagine for a moment that you could step inside people’s minds and what an amazing journey that could be. People who seem quiet and dulloften have the strangest inner lives for you to explore. Even with boors and fools, you can educate yourself as to the origins and nature of their flaws. Transforming yourself into a deep listener will not only prove more amusing as you open your mind to their mind but will also provide the most invaluable lessons about human psychology. Once you are motivated to listen, the rest is relatively simple. You cannot make the strategic purpose behind your listening too obvious. The other person has to feel it is a lively exchange, even though in the end they may do 80 percent of the talking. For this purpose, you must not barrage them with questions that make it feel like a job interview. Instead, pay attention to their nonverbal cues. You will see their eyes light up when certain topics are mentioned—you must guide the conversation in that direction. People will become chatty without realizing it. Almost everyone likes to talk about their childhood, their family, the ins and outs of their work, or some cause that is dear to them. An occasional question or comment plays off something they have said. You are deeply absorbed in what they say, but you must feel and appear relaxed in being so. You convey that you are listening by maintaining relatively consistent eye contact and nodding as they talk. The best way to signal how deeply you are listening is to occasionally say something that mirrors what they have said, but in your own words and filtered through your own experience. In the end, the more they talk, the more they will reveal about their insecurities and unmet desires. Your goal is to make them come away from the encounter feeling better about themselves. You have let them be the star of the show. You have drawn out of them the wittier, more fun-loving side of their personality. They will love you for this and will look forward to the next encounter. As they become increasingly relaxed in your presence, you will have great latitude for planting ideas and influencing their behaviour. 2. Infect people with the proper mood As social animals, we are extremely susceptible to the moods of other people. This gives us the power to subtly infuse into people the appropriate mood for influencing them. If you are relaxed and anticipating a pleasurable experience, this will communicate itself and have a mirror-like effect on the other person. One of the best attitudes to adapt for this purpose is one of complete indulgence. You do not judge other people; you accept them as they are. In the novel The Ambassadors, the writer Henry James paints the portrait of this ideal in the form of Marie de Vionnet, an older French woman of impeccable manners who surreptitiously uses an American named Lambert Strether to help her in a love affair. From the very moment he meetsher, Strether is captivated. She seems a “mix of lucidity and mystery.” She listens deeply to what he says and, without responding, gives him the feeling she completely understands him. She envelops him in her empathy. She acts from the beginning as if they have become good friends, but it is in her manner, nothing she says. He calls her indulgent spirit “a beautiful consciousmildness,” and it has a hypnotic power over him. Well before she even asks for his help, he is completely under her spell and will do anything for her. Such an attitude replicates the ideal mother figure—unconditional in her love. It is not expressed so much in words as in looks and body language. It works equally well on men and women and has an hypnotic effect on almost anyone. A variation of this is to infect people with a warm feeling of rapport through laughter and shared pleasures. U. S senator and later president, Lyndon Johnson was the master of this. Of course, he used alcohol, which flowed freely in his office, his targets never knowing that his own drinks weregreatly watered down so he could retain control of himself. His bawdy jokes and colourful anecdotes created a comfortable club-like atmosphere for men. It was hard to resist the mood he set. Johnson could also be quite physical, often wrapping his arms around a man’s shoulder, frequently touching him on the arm. Many studies on nonverbal cues have demonstrated the incredible power that a simple touch of people’s hands or arms can have in any interaction, making them think positive things about you without their ever being aware of the source of their good opinion. Such gentle taps establish a feeling of visceral rapport, as long as you do not maintain eye contact, which will give it too much of a
Influence And Persuasion Skills
Influence And Persuasion Skills The art of influencing others so that they think like you, believe you and act in a way you want is called as persuasion. Very few people have excellent persuasion skills and those who have make the world follow them. People who do not master the art of influencing others often get lost in thecrowd and fail to make a mark of their own. Persuasion skills are extremely important at workplace for others to take you seriously and also acknowledge your hard work. Even a brilliant idea is of no use if it is not shared with others who eventually believe and implement the same in their day to day life. Trust me, convincing others is no cake-walk and you really need to be good at it. In today’s scenario, where everyone is well aware of what is happening around him/her and even the minutest details can be verified at the click of a button, it is not easy to fool anyone and imposeyour ideas and opinions forcefully. The way you speak, the way you carry yourself and the authenticity of the content play an important role in persuading others. Make Other People the Focus of Attention Life is harsh and people competitive. We naturally must look after our own interests. We also want to feel that we are independent, doing our own bidding. That is why when others try to persuade or change us, we become defensive and resistant. To give in challenges our need to feel autonomous. That is why to get people to move from their defensive positions you must always make it seem like what they are doing is of their own free will. Creating a feeling of mutual warmth helps soften people’s resistance and makes them want to help. Never attack people for their beliefs or make them feel insecure about their intelligence or goodness—that will only strengthen their defensiveness and make your task impossible. Make them feel that by doing what you want they are being noble and altruistic—the ultimate lure. Learn to tame your own stubborn nature and free your mind from its defensive and closed positions, unleashing your creative powers. Learn How to Become a Person of Influence Influence over people and the power that it brings are gained in the opposite way from what you might imagine. Normally we try to charm people with our own ideas, showing ourselves off in the best light. We hype our past accomplishments. We promise great things about ourselves. We ask for favours, believing that being honest is the best policy. What we do not realize is that we are putting all of the attention on ourselves. In a world where people are increasingly self-absorbed, this only has the effect of making others turn more inward in return and think more of their own interests rather than ours. The royal road to influence and power is to go the opposite direction: Put the focus on others. Let them do the talking. Let them be the stars of the show. Their opinions and values are worth emulating. The causes they support are the noblest. Such attention is so rare in this world, and people are so hungry for it, that giving them such validation will lower their defences and opentheir minds to whatever ideas you want to insinuate. Play the Long Game by Asking for Advice Your first move then is always to step back and assume an inferior position in relation to the other. Make it subtle. Ask for their advice. People are dying to impart their wisdom and experience. Onceyou feel that they are addicted to this attention, you can initiate a cycle of favours by doing something small for them, something that saves them time or effort. They will instantly want to reciprocate and will return the favour without feeling manipulated or pushed. And once people do favours for you, they will continue to work on your behalf. In doing something for you, they have judged you worthy of this, and to stop helping you would mean to call into question their originaljudgment and their own intelligence, which people are very reluctant to do. Working slowly this way in a group, you will expand your influence without it seeming aggressive or even purposeful, the ultimate disguise for your ambitions. Lower People’s Defences and Instil a Feeling of Inner Security From early on in life we humans develop a defensive and self-protective side to our personality. It begins in early childhood as we cultivate a sense of personal physical space that others should not violate. It later expands into a feeling of personal dignity—people should not coerce or manipulate us into doing things we don’t want to. We should be free to choose what we desire. These are necessary developments in our growth as socialized humans. As we get older, however, these defensive qualities often solidify into something much more rigid, and for good reason. People are continually judging and appraising us—are we competent enough, good enough, a team player? We never feel quite free of this scrutiny. One noticeable failure inour lives, and people’s scrutiny will turn into negative judgments that can cripple us for a long time. Furthermore, we have the feeling that people are always trying to take from us—they want our time, our money, our ideas, our labour. In the face of all of this, we naturally become more self-absorbed and defensive—we have to look after our own interests, since nobody else will. We set up walls around ourselves to keep out intruders and those who want something from us. By the time we reach our twenties, we have all developed systems of defence, but in certain circumstances our inner walls can come tumbling down. For instance, during a night of revelry with friends, perhaps after some drinking, we feel bonded with others and not judged by them. Ourminds loosen up, and suddenly new and very interesting ideas come to us, and we’re open to
Listening Skills
Listening Skills UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING At the most basic level, listening well lets you take in the most information possible in a conversation. You’ll have more to go on when deciding what to say next, and your interactions will flow better. If you don’t listen well, you’ll miss some of the information the other person is sharing. More importantly, listening well makes other people feel respected, understood, and like you care what they have to say. If you’re not a great listener, you can come across as uninterested, spacey, or self-absorbed. People may hang out with you casually, but feel they can’t have a more serious, substantial conversation with you. Listening is more than parking yourself in front of someone and letting them make sounds at you. People don’t need to feel that all of their conversation partners are fascinated by everything they say, but they do want a sense that the other person cares at least somewhat. Even if you just want to tell a corny joke to a coworker, it doesn’t feel good when they’re obviously tuned out. Being able to pay attention to people and take in what they’re saying, and not coming off as disengaged, are bare-minimum considerations when having a conversation. When people talk of “listening skills,” they’re often referring to active listening. When you engage in active listening, you listen in a more purposeful, focused, empathetic way; you really try to understand wheresomeone is coming from, show your interest, and read between the lines of what’s being said. You’d particularly need to use active listening if you were talking to someone about their problems, having a more philosophical discussion, or trying to see the other person’s perspective during an argument. This skill helps you connect with people, make others feel accepted and supported, and resolve disagreements more easily. While listening skills are extremely important to learn, you should have realistic expectations about the effect improving them will have on your social life. Some self-help sources oversell the significance of these skills and claim that good listeners are rare and that people appreciate nothingmore than someone who truly listens to them. That’s an exaggeration. Listening skills are really useful, but good listeners aren’t that scarce, and being able to listen to people doesn’t guarantee everyone will like you or that you’ll easily be able to get through any conversation. IDENTIFYING FACETS OF BASIC LISTENING SKILLS More goes into listening than just hearing what the other person is saying. Your ears, mind, and body are all engaged when you listen well. Consider the following aspects that create a good listening experience, for you and the person you’re talking to: Intent It sounds obvious, but one of the keys to listening properly is to want to do it. When people are poor listeners, they usually aren’t that way on purpose. They unconsciously come into the conversation with another agenda or their own issues, which overrides their listening potential. For example, they may be too focused on what they want to talk about and trying to impress everyone. When you interact with people, make a deliberate decision to try to listen well. That involves giving the other person space to say what they want to say, even if you’re not entranced byevery last word or they’re struggling to make their point; seriously considering what they’re saying, not just technically hearing it but not giving it a second thought; putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and taking on their perspective; being as nonjudgmental as possible; avoiding any of the specific poor listening behaviors. Adjust the intensity of your listening depending on the context. If a friend is telling you about a funny video his brother just sent him, you don’t need to try to commune with his innermost being or worry about being open and accepting. Simply let him talk and don’t interrupt. Giving someone room to speak doesn’t mean you to have to put all of your own conversation needs on the back burner. If someone’s telling you an anecdote, you should listen respectfully, but if you have a story of your own you’d like to share, it’s fine to bring it up at an appropriate time. If they say something you disagree with, you can tell them you see things differently, after you’ve respectfully heard them out. The good listener role also doesn’t obligate you to stick in there with a long-winded monopolizer or someone who’s inappropriately sharing the details of their recent trip to the doctor. Engaged body language This makes your listening clear. When you display engaged body language, you: Make good eye contact with the speaker. Face your body toward them. Tilt your head slightly to the side If you’re sitting, lean slightly forward. Turn away from any distractions. Have an appropriate expression on your face, depending on what they’re telling you and what they hope to convey; for example, concerned and understanding as they go over a problem, or interested and amused as they tell you about their eccentric neighbor. Nod and make little “uh huh” or “Mmm hmm” noises to show you’re taking everything in and to encourage them to continue (mix up the noises you make and how often you make them, or you’ll seem robotic). Having a mind-set of wanting to listen is still the most important aspect of listening. Even if you nail all the nonverbals, people can usually tell if you’re just going through the motions. Do each of these with a light touch. The idea is to appear interested, not act like a caricature of a therapist. Again, adjust this basic template based on the circumstances. If you’re lounging on a couch and watching reality TV with your roommate while they casually tell you about something weird that happened at school, you don’t need to full-on face and lean into them. You could show you’re listening by turning your head toward them, making occasional eye contact, and saying “uh huh” and