All About Purpose
All About Purpose ALL ABOUT PURPOSE: WHAT IT MEANS AND WHY IT’S SO GOOD FOR YOU Unlike animals, with their instincts to guide them past dangers, we humans have to rely upon our conscious decisions. We do the best we can when it comes to our career path and handling the inevitable setbacks in life. But in the back of our minds we can sense an overall lack of direction, as we are pulled this way and that way by our moods and by the opinions of others. How did we end up in this job, in this place? Such drifting can lead to dead ends. The way to avoid such a fate is to develop a sense of purpose, discovering our calling in life and using such knowledge to guide us in our decisions. We come to know ourselves more deeply—our tastes and inclinations. We trust ourselves, knowing which battles and detours to avoid. Even our moments of doubt, even our failures have a purpose—to toughen us up. With such energy and direction, our actions have unstoppable force. We are all complex. We like to present a front to the world that is consistent and mature, but we know inside that we are subject to many different moods and wear many different faces, depending on circumstances. We can be practical, social, introspective, irrational, depending on the mood of the moment. And this inner chaos actually causes us pain. We lack a sense of cohesion and direction in life. We could choose any number of paths, depending on our shifting emotions, which pull us this way and that. Why go here instead of there? We wander through life, never quite reaching the goals that we feel are so important to us, or realizing our potential. The moments in which we feel clarity and purpose are fleeting. To soothe the pain from our aimlessness, we might enmesh ourselves in various addictions, pursue new forms of pleasure, or give ourselves over to some cause that interests us for a few months or weeks. The only solution to this dilemma is to find a higher sense of purpose, a mission that will provide us our own direction, not that of our parents, friends, or peers. This mission is intimately connected to our individuality, to what makes us unique. As Martin Luther King Jr. expressed it: “We have a responsibility to set out to discover what we are made for, to discover our life’s work, to discover what we are called to do. And after we discover that, we should set out to do it with all the strength and all of the power that we can muster.” This “life’s work” is what we were intended to do, as dictated by our particular skills, gifts, and inclinations. It is our calling in life. Consider this “life’s work” something that speaks to you from within—a voice. This voice will often warn you when you are getting involved in unnecessary entanglements or when you are about to follow career paths that are unsuited to your character, by the uneasiness that you feel. It directs you toward activities and goals that mesh with your nature. When you are listening to it, you feel like you have greater clarity and wholeness. If you listen closely enough, it will direct you toward your particular destiny. It can be seen as something spiritual or something personal, or both. It is not the voice of your ego, which wants attention and quick gratification, something that further divides you from within. Rather, it absorbs you in your work and what you have to do. It is sometimes hard to hear, as your head is full of the voices of others telling you what you should and should not do. Hearing it involves introspection, effort, and practice. When you follow itsguidance, positive things tend to happen. You have the inner strength to do what you must and not be swayed by other people, who have their own agendas. Hearing this voice will connect you toyour larger goals and help you avoid detours. It will make you more strategic, focused, and adaptive. Once you hear it and understand your purpose, there will be no going back. Your course has been set, and deviating from it will cause anxiety and pain. In the world today, we humans face a particular predicament: As soon as our schooling ends, we suddenly find ourselves thrown into the work world, where people can be ruthless and the competition is fierce. Only a few years before, if we were lucky, our parents met many of our needs and were there to guide us; in some cases, they were overprotective. Now we find ourselveson our own, with little or no life experience to rely upon. We have to make decisions and choices that will affect our entire future. In the not-so-distant past, people’s career and life choices were somewhat limited. They would settle into the particular jobs or roles available to them and stay there for decades. Certain older figures—mentors, family members, religious leaders—could offer some direction if needed. But such stability and help is hard to find today, as the world changes ever more quickly. Everyone is caught up in the harsh struggle to make it; people have never been so preoccupied with their own needs and agendas. The advice of our parents might be totally antiquated in this new order. Facing this unprecedented state of affairs, we tend to react in one of two ways. Some of us, excited by all the changes, actually embrace this new order. We are young and full of energy. The smorgasbord of opportunities offered by the digital world dazzles us. We can experiment, try many different jobs, have many different relationships and adventures. Commitments to a single career or person feel like unnecessary restrictions on this freedom. Obeying orders and listening to authority figures is old-fashioned. Better to explore, have fun, and be open. A time will come when we will figure
The Foundation Of Self Confidence
The Foundation Of Self Confidence There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —William Shakespeare Self-confidence is an attitude about your skills and abilities. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well, and have a positive view of yourself. You set realistic expectations and goals, communicate assertively, and can handle criticism. Your thoughts and feelings about yourself, and what you can or cannot do, are the sum total result of a lifetime of experience and conditioning, and usually have little relationship to what is truly possible for you. In personal development, there is a principle, or a law of becoming, that simply says that each person is in a continual process of becoming, or evolving and growing, in the direction of his or her dominant thoughts. Your body is also in a state of becoming. At a normal rate of cell death and replenishment, you have a brand-new body every seven years. Whereas your physical evolution in becoming is effected by the food that you put into your body, your mental evolution and becoming is largely determined by the thoughts that you put into your mind. You Become What You Think About The law of concentration says that “anything you dwell upon grows in your reality.” Anything that you think about long enough and hard enough eventually becomes a part of your mental processes, exerting its influence and power on your attitude and your behaviour. If you constantly think thoughts of boldness and courage and self-assertion, you become progressively bolder and more courageous and more self-assertive. The more you dwell on the person you would like to be, with the qualities you would like to have, the more you implant those deep into your subconscious mind where they become part of your ongoing evolution. What you habitually think about eventually becomes a part of your character and your personality. In this sense, you are a self-made man or woman. You are where you are and what you are because of the thoughts that you have allowed to preoccupy your mind. Whatever you have dwelled on over the past months and years, you have become, and you are, right now, today, the result of all those thoughts. Not only have you made yourself into the person you are today, but you are continuing with the job of construction with every thought you think. Because this is an unavoidable fact of life, the smartest thing that you can do is to persistently think the thoughts that are consistent with the kind of person you would like to be. Personal Growth Is Not Easy However, for most people this is too big a leap. Most people continue to think about and talk about exactly what they don’t want to happen, and then they are constantly amazed that exactly what they were hoping to avoid happens to them again and again. One of the most profound discoveries in all of human history is that “thought is creative.” Thoughts held in mind, produce after their kind. Like begets like. Your thoughts become your realities. You do become what you think about most of the time. You cannot harbour one kind of thought and experience a different kind of existence. This law of cause and effect works perfectly, everywhere and always, for everyone. The development of unshakable self-confidence, therefore, begins with you taking full, complete, systematic and purposeful control of the contents of your conscious mind, disciplining yourself to think consistently about only the things that you desire and to resolutely keep your mind off the things that you fear. All of life is from the inside out. It is from the inner to the outer. The law of correspondence, perhaps one of the most important of all the mental laws, says that “your outer world will be a reflection of your inner world.” What you see on the outside is largely a reflection of what is going on inside you. This is not only true for you; it is true for everyone around you. Your Inner Life Predicts Your Outer Life Many times we see people who seem to be very nice and pleasant on the outside, but who seem to have continuous problems in their personal and business lives. We wonder, “How could these unhappy things happen to such nice people?” The unavoidable fact is that, with few exceptions, most of what a person experiences in his or her outer life corresponds exactly to something that is going on in their inner life, something that you seldom know, and it cannot be otherwise. True happiness and success comes from living your life in harmony with the laws that govern your being. Even though these laws are invisible, they are like the law of gravity, which is also invisible but is to be violated only at your own peril. Happy people are those who obey and follow the laws of nature and live their lives consistent with those laws. Start with Your Inner Life If you want to enjoy self-confidence on the outside, you must practice complete integrity on the inside. The foundation of self-confidence is for you to live your life consistent with your innermost values and principles, while thinking and acting in harmony with your highest aspirations. Men and women with the most rock-solid self-confidence are those who are absolutely clear about what it is they believe to be right and good and worthwhile, and who live their lives consistent with these values. Everything they do or say is an expression of their innermost convictions. Your whole world can fall down around you, but as long as you know that you are doing the right thing, you will have a deep inner sense of calm that will manifest itself in an attitude of confidence and self-assurance in any situation. You will have many ups and downs in life, but what is most important
The Power Of Happiness
The Power Of Happiness As your success, income, and responsibility grows, you can’t neglect your happiness. If you are not consciously defending it, it can slip away. I’m going to share with you the 10 Happiness Habits that can make happiness the core of success (rather than success the core of happiness). Yes, you read that correctly: happiness leads to success, not the other way around. In our society, we often think that if we’ve got tons of money, are the head of a profitable company, and have a lot of fame as well as fortune, we’re going to be happy. In fact, one of the biggest things that stops people dead in their tracks from living an actual fulfilled life is the assumption that if they find success, happiness will follow. Take your own life, for example. Have you ever thought that if you got a certain job or started your business, then happiness would result from it? Have you ever felt that once you made a certain amount of money, or once you have a wife that loves you or a husband that loves you, or once you have children, or once you lose weight, then you’ll be happy? Well, I hate to break it to you, but many people who think this way eventually find out that they’re wrong. I would be doing you a huge disservice if I failed to let you in on this secret. And yes, you can attract next-level wealth with the right habits, but why deny yourself happiness? Wealth without fulfillment is emptiness. Let me help you achieve it all. What if we’ve had it backward for all these years? What if happiness is the prerequisite for everything else? What if it is the prerequisite for success, abundance, prosperity, weight loss, passion, intimacy, and love? What if most of us don’t really know how to be happy, but instead we think we’ll figure it out once we get somewhere? Think of what we tell ourselves: “All I needis to get my business up and running, and I’ll be happy.” Or: “As soon as I buy that dream house, I’ll be satisfied.” You see, most of us let our desire for external things guide us. We think once we have that new house or that new job, then we’ll be happy. But guess what? The excitement of external things fades. Have you ever thought, once I get a raise or to that next level of income, that is when the fun begins? Then it happens, and you spend accordingly, get some new stuff, upgrade your house, and think, I’m making more money so now I’m happy! But then a few months pass, and the additional income and what you bought no longer satisfies you. As much as I am an advocate for growing your wealth and your success through the right habits, no amount of money will make you happy unless you find internal satisfaction. But combine that with more money, and it’s time for next-level and real fulfillment. The outside world can only give you temporary happiness. We all want that next level of income, the ideal weight, perfect health, a great lifestyle, more money, true love, intimacy, and passion. Trust me, I get the desires that exist and the accompanying perks. But all that goes away unless we learn how to be happy on the inside. And here’s the crazy part: If we find happiness on the inside—not an easy task—then suddenly all of those other things we want are more obtainable. When you learn to create happiness internally, those things become a by-product of the happiness you’re creating, which is the opposite of what most people think. Most people believe success, money,fast cars, and jewellery come first and then happiness will materialize. That is completely false, and the source of so many people walking around depressed. So let’s look at happiness and what I’ve learned about it. I’ve created a list of 10 specific habits and thought processes that I think are the fastest and quickest way to happiness. In this article, I just want to give you the recipes, ingredients, and instructions that will get you to your definition of success the fastest. 1. DEFINE WHAT HAPPINESS LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE TO YOU Imagine that we’re sitting in a restaurant right now and I ask you this question: “From the deepest part of you, what makes you happy?” Would you have an answer? Do you know what it would be? I believe that’s a hard question for all of us. And I think it is a difficult question because so many times we try and compare our definition of happiness to others. Just because someone else’s definition of happiness is an expensive car and a mansion, doesn’t mean it has to be your definition! Honestly, if you were to ask me that question just five years ago, I probably would have fumbled to come up with an answer. Back then I don’t think I was crystal clear on what happiness truly meant to me. It would be easy to say, “Being with my kids,” and even though that is true, that was a default and not a truly thought-out answer. But I want you to get crystal clear on what makes you truly happy! Take the time right now and think through or start writing down ideas about what makes your heart smile, your eyes brighter, and causes you to be alive with joy. What truly makes you happy? Come on, do this. Don’t default to a few answers that have become your reflexive response. Think back to when you were a kid, or earlier in your life. When did you feel at peace? What lit you up? What made you smile? Is it spending time in nature with your kids playing games and breathing fresh air? Is it going to a sporting event or going for a roadtrip? Do you like being by the ocean and feeling
Creative Thinking
Creative Thinking The imagination is literally the workshop wherein are fashioned all plans created by man. —NAPOLEON HILL CREATIVE THINKERS rule the world! They are continually seeking faster, better, and easier ways to accomplish goals that are important to other people. They practice the CANEI principle, which stands for “Continuous and Never-Ending Improvement.” They are responsible for all of the great breakthroughs, innovations, and progress in human history. They know that sometimes one good idea is all it takes to change the course of a business or an individual life. Mechanical Thinking Mechanical thinking, on the other hand, tends to be rigid and inflexible. It is “my way or the highway.” Mechanical thinking is rooted in fears of failure or making a mistake and losing time, money, or both. It is triggered by fears of criticism or disapproval, trying something that doesn’t work. Poor thinkers think in terms of black and white rather than shades of grey. They think in extremes of yes versus no, up versus down. They think there is only one way when there are usually many ways. In the face of change and confrontation, they develop psychosclerosis, which is defined as a “hardening of the attitudes.” They are victims of “homeostasis,” a striving for constancy. They are stuck in their comfort zones. They resent and fear anything new or different, even an improvement in conditions. But this is not for you. You Are a Potential Genius You have more creative potential than you could use in a hundred lifetimes. The more of your creative ability you use, the more you can use. You actually become more creative each time you come up with something new. It is said that every child is born a genius, and this means you, throughout your lifetime. It turns out that creativity is the single best indicator or predictor of success in life and in work. The more creative you are, the more and better ideas you will come up with to improve your life, work, and everything around you. One good idea can be enough to change the entire direction of your life. How do you recognize creativity? Creative people are curious. They ask a lot of questions and are never satisfied. In fact, you can become more creative just by asking more questions about the things going on around you and not being content with superficial answers. Genius Throughout the Ages There are many studies of the qualities of geniuses throughout the ages. The first fact they discovered was that intelligence was not a matter of IQ or academic qualifications. Many so-calledgeniuses had average or slightly above-average intelligence. Genius or excellent thinking was instead more a matter of attitude and approach toward the inevitable challenges of life. It appears that geniuses develop three qualities over time: Keep an Open Mind First, they approach every problem or situation with an open mind, almost a childlike attitude of exploration and discovery. The more open your mind is to completely new and different approaches to any situation in your life, the more likely it is that you are going to get insights and ideas that move you out of your comfort zone—that enable you to think outside the box. Theycontinually ask “Why?” and “Why not?” and “What if?” Second, geniuses carefully consider every aspect of a problem, refusing to jump to conclusions, gathering more information to validate their tentative conclusions at each stage. They avoid a rush to judgment. They are always open to the possibility that they could be wrong, or that their idea is no good. The Best Solution Albert Einstein was once asked, “If there was a major emergency or potential disaster that was going to destroy the earth in 60 minutes, and you were asked to find a solution, what would you do?” Einstein replied, “I would spend the first 59 minutes gathering information, and the last minute solving the problem in the best possible way.” In business today, especially in new product development, the more time you spend working closely with customers to be sure that your new product or service idea is exactly what they want, need, and are willing to pay for, the more likely it is that you will be successful in a fast-changing and highly competitive market. The Systematic Approach Third, geniuses of all kinds use a systematic approach to problem solving and decision making. Accomplished mathematicians, physicists, doctors, mechanics, and people in other professions do not throw themselves at a problem like a dog chasing a passing car. Rather, they follow a carefullydesigned checklist and work their way through a problem, step by step, toward a conclusion. Atul Gawande, in his book The Checklist Manifesto, tells the story of two investment experts, both successful, but one far more successful than the other. It turned out that they both had many years of experience in evaluating and making substantial investments for themselves and their clients. But the more successful adviser had developed a checklist of essential questions to ask and tests to apply to an investment proposal before making a decision. The other adviser used many of the same techniques and tactics to appraise an investment, but he operated more from intuition and experience. As a result, he often lost money when he shouldn’t have. Here was the interesting point that Gawande made. The first adviser was consistently more successful than the second. But on various occasions, he made mistakes and lost money. The reason was invariably the same. He had neglected to follow his own checklist. He had missed one or two vital points in his list of important considerations. When he went back to following hischecklist meticulously, his investment record improved significantly. The Systematic Problem-Solving Method Here is a structured/unstructured way of problem solving and decision making developed by experts and think tanks over the years. I have synthesized the best ideas I have discovered into a single simple method that you can use for the rest of your career.
Self Esteem Part Two
Self Esteem Part Two How Does Healthy Self-Esteem Manifest? There are some fairly simple and direct ways in which healthy self-esteem manifests itself in our being. These include: • A face, manner, way of talking and moving that project the pleasure one takes in being alive. • Ease in talking of accomplishments or shortcomings with directness and honesty, since one is in friendly relationship to facts. • Comfort in giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affection, appreciation, and the like. • Open to criticism and comfortable about acknowledging mistakes because one’s self-esteem is not tied to an image of “perfection.” • One’s words and movements tend to have a quality of ease and spontaneity since one is not at war with oneself. • Harmony between what one says and does and how one looks, sounds and moves. • An attitude of openness to and curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life. • Feelings of anxiety or insecurity, if they present themselves, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm one, since accepting them, managing them and rising above them rarely feels impossibly difficult. • An ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life, in oneself and others. • Flexible in responding to situations and challenges, moved by a spirit of inventiveness and even playfulness, since one trusts one’s mind and does not see life as doom or defeat. • Comfort with assertive (not belligerent) behaviour in oneself and others. • Ability to preserve a quality of harmony and dignity under conditions of stress. Then, on the purely physical level, one can observe characteristics such as these: • Eyes that are alert, bright, and lively. • A face that is relaxed and (barring illness) tends to exhibit natural colour and good skin vibrancy. • A chin that is held naturally and in alignment with one’s body. • A relaxed jaw. • Shoulders relaxed yet erect.• Hands that tend to be relaxed, graceful, and quiet. • Arms tend to hang in a relaxed, natural way. • Posture tends to be relaxed, erect, well-balanced. • A walk that tends to be purposeful (without being aggressive and overbearing). • Voice tends to be modulated with an intensity appropriate to the situation, and with clear pronunciation. Notice that the theme of relaxation occurs again and again. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are. Chronic tension conveys a message of some form of internal split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation, some aspect of the self being disowned or held on a very tight leash. How Much Is Enough Self-Esteem? Is it possible to have too much self-esteem? No, it is not; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance, but such traits reflect, not too much self-esteem, but too little. They reflect a lack of self-esteem. People of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else. Self-Esteem Is Acquired, Not Given Seeing only the tail end of the process I am describing, a person might say, “Its easy for him to think independently. Look at how much self-esteem he has.” But self-esteem is not a given; it is acquired. One of the ways self-esteem is acquired is by thinking independently when it may not be easy to do so, when it may even be frightening, when the person doing the thinking is struggling with feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and is choosing to persevere nonetheless. It is not always easy to stand by our judgment, and if it has become easy, that itself is a psychological victory —because in the past there were certainly times when it was not easy, when the pressures against independent thought were considerable, and when we had to confront and endure anxiety. Our Underlying Intention As far as our self-esteem is concerned, the issue is not whether we are flawless in executing the task of distinguishing among facts, wishes, and fears and choosing consciousness over some form of avoidance. Rather, the issue is one of our underlying intention. When we describe a person as “basically honest,” in the sense meant here, we do not mean that he or she is impervious to the influence of the wishes and fears, but rather that there is a pronounced and evident desire and intention to see things as they are. We cannot always know for certainwhether or not we are being rational or honest; but we can certainly be concerned about it, we can certainly care. We are not always free to succeed in our thinking, but we are always free to try. The accumulated sum of our choices in this matter yields an inner sense of basic honesty or dishonesty — a fundamental responsibility or irresponsibility toward existence. From childhood on, some individuals are far more interested in and respectful of such questions of truth than others.Some operate as if facts need not be facts if we do not choose to acknowledge them, as if truth is irrelevant and lies are lies only if someone finds them out. The task of consciousness is to perceive that which exists, to the best of our ability. To honour reality — the perception of that which exists — is to honour consciousness; to honour consciousness is to honour self-esteem. Integrity Where we see self-esteem, we see behaviour that is consistent with the individuals professed values, convictions, and beliefs. We see integrity. When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgments of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less — or cease to trust ourselves at all. In their eagerness to dissociate themselves from philosophy in general
Self Esteem Part One
Self Esteem Part One A Definition Of Self-Esteem We who are teachers seek to fan a spark in those we work with — that innate sense of self-worth that presumably is our human birth right. But that spark is only the anteroom to self-esteem. If we are to do justice to those we work with, we need to help them develop that sense of self-worth into the full experience of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is . . . 1. Confidence in our ability to think and to cope with the challenges of life.2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts. A Powerful Human Need Self-esteem is a powerful human need. It is a basic human need that makes an essential contribution to the life process; it is indispensable to normal and healthy development; it has survival value. Lacking positive self-esteem, our psychological growth is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates as, in effect, the immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s adversities is diminished. We crumble before vicissitudes that a healthier sense of self could vanquish. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have more power over us than positives. Complex Factors Determine Our Self-Esteem I do not wish to imply that how our parents treat us determines the level of our self-esteem. The matter is more complex than that. We have a decisive role of our own to play. The notion that we are merely pawns shaped and determined by our environment cannot be supported scientifically or philosophically. We are causal agents in our own right; active contestants in the drama of our lives; originators and not merely reactors or responders.Clearly, however, the family environment can have a profound impact for good or for ill. Parents can nurture self-trust and self-respect or place appalling roadblocks in the way of learning such attitudes. They can convey that they believe in their child’s competence and goodness or they canconvey the opposite. They can create an environment in which the child feels safe and secure or they can create an environment of terror. They can support the emergence of healthy self-esteem or they can do everything conceivable to subvert it. Obstacles To The Growth Of Self-Esteem Parents throw up severe obstacles to the growth of a child’s self-esteem when they . . • Convey that the child is not “enough.”• Chastise the child for expressing “unacceptable” feelings. • Ridicule or humiliate the child. • Convey that the child’s thoughts or feelings have no value or importance. • Attempt to control the child by shame or guilt. • Over-protect the child and consequently obstruct normal learning and increasing self-reliance. • Raise a child with no rules at all, and thus no supporting structure, or else rules that are contradictory, bewildering, undiscussable, and oppressive, in either case inhibiting normal growth. • Deny a child’s perception of reality and implicitly encourage the child to doubt his or her mind. • Treat evident facts as unreal, thus shaking the child’s sense of rationality — for example, when an alcoholic father stumbles to the dinner table, misses the chair, and falls to the floor as the mother goes on eating or talking as if nothing had happened. • Terrorize a child with physical violence or the threat of it, thus instilling acute fear as an enduring characteristic at the child’s core. • Treat a child as a sexual object. • Teach that the child is bad, unworthy, or sinful by nature. Today millions of men and women who have come out of such childhood experiences are searching for ways to heal their wounds. They recognize that they have entered adult life with a liability — a deficit of self-esteem. Whatever words they use to describe the problem, they know they suffer from some nameless sense of not being “enough,” or some haunting emotion of shame or guilt, or a generalized self-distrust, or a diffusive feeling of unworthiness. They sense their lack even if they do not know what precisely self-esteem is, let alone how to nurture and strengthen it within themselves. Addiction And Self-Esteem These observations help us to understand addictions.When we become addicted to alcohol or drugs or destructive relationships, the unconscious intention is invariably to ameliorate anxiety and pain. What we become addicted to are tranquilizers and anodynes. The “enemies” we are trying to escape are fear and pain. When the means we have chosen do not work and make our problems worse, we are driven to take more and more of the poison that is killing us. Addicts are not less fearful than other human beings, they are more fearful. Their pain is not milder, it is more severe. We cannot drink or drug our way into self-esteem anymore than wecan buy happiness with toxic relationships. We do not attain self-esteem by practices that evoke self-hatred. If we do not believe in ourselves — neither in our efficacy nor in our goodness — the universe is a frightening place. Valuing Ourselves This does not mean that we are necessarily incapable of achieving any real values. Some of us may have the talent and drive to achieve a great deal, in spite of a poor self-concept — like the highly productive workaholic who is driven to prove his worth to, say, a father who predicted he would amount to nothing. But it does mean that we will be less effective — less creative — than we have the power to be; and it means that we will be crippled in our ability to find joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will ever feel like “enough.” If we do have realistic confidence in
Emotional Regulation Part Two
Emotional Regulation Part Two STEP TWO: BEWARE THE INFLAMING FACTORS Low-grade emotions continually affect our thinking, and they originate from our own impulses—for instance, the desire for pleasing and comforting thoughts. High-grade emotion, however, comes at certain moments, reaches an explosive pitch, and is generally sparked by something external—a person who gets under our skin, or particular circumstances. The level of arousal is higher and our attention is captured completely. The more we think about the emotion, the stronger it gets, which makes us focus even more on it, and so on and so forth. Our minds tunnel into the emotion, and everything reminds us of our anger or excitement. We become reactive. Because we are unableto bear the tension this brings, high-grade emotion usually culminates in some rash action with disastrous consequences. In the middle of such an attack we feel possessed, as if a second, limbic self has taken over. It is best to be aware of these factors so that you can stop the mind from tunnelling and prevent the releasing action that you will always come to regret. You should also be aware of high-grade irrationality in others, to either get out of their way or help bring them back to reality. Trigger Points from Early Childhood In early childhood we were at our most sensitive and vulnerable. Our relationship to our parents had a much greater impact on us the further back in time we go. The same could be said for any early powerful experience. These vulnerabilities and wounds remain buried deep within our minds.Sometimes we try to repress the memory of these influences, if they happen to be negative—great fears or humiliations. Sometimes, however, they are associated with positive emotions, experiences of love and attention that we continually want to relive. Later in life, a person or event will trigger a memory of this positive or negative experience, and with it a release of powerful chemicals or hormones associated with the memory. Take, for example, a young man who had a distant, narcissistic mother. As an infant or child, he experienced her coldness as abandonment, and to be abandoned must mean he was somehow unworthy of her love. Or similarly, a new sibling on the scene caused his mother to give him much less attention, which he equally experienced as abandonment. Later in life, in a relationship, a woman might hint at disapproval of some trait or action of his, all of which is part of a healthy relationship. This will hit a trigger point—she is noticing his flaws, which, he imagines, precedes her abandonment of him. He feels a powerful rush of emotion, a sense of imminent betrayal. He does not see the source of this; it is beyond his control. He overreacts, accuses, withdraws, all of which leads to the very thing he feared—abandonment. His reaction was to some reflection in his mind, not to the reality. This is the height of irrationality. The way to recognize this in yourself and in others is by noticing behaviour that is suddenly childish in its intensity and seemingly out of character. This could centre on any key emotion. It could be fear—of losing control, of failure. In this case, we react by withdrawing from the situation and the presence of others, like a child curling up into a ball. A sudden illness, brought on by theintense fear, will conveniently cause us to have to leave the scene. It could be love—desperatelysearching to re-create a close parental or sibling relationship in the present, triggered by someone who vaguely reminds us of the lost paradise. It could be extreme mistrust, originating from an authority figure in early childhood who disappointed or betrayed us, generally the father. This often triggers a sudden rebellious attitude. The great danger here is that in misreading the present and reacting to something in the past, we create conflict, disappointments, and mistrust that only strengthen the wound. In some ways, we are programmed to repeat the early experience in the present. Our only defence is awareness as it is happening. We can recognize a trigger point by the experience of emotions that are unusually primal, more uncontrollable than normal. They trigger tears, deep depression, or excessive hope. People under the spell of these emotions will often have a very different tone of voice and bodylanguage, as if they were physically reliving a moment from early life. In the midst of such an attack, we must struggle to detach ourselves and contemplate the possible source—the wound in early childhood—and the patterns it has locked us into. This deep understanding of ourselves and our vulnerabilities is a key step toward becoming rational. Sudden Gains or Losses Sudden success or winnings can be very dangerous. Neurologically, chemicals are released in the brain that give a powerful jolt of arousal and energy, leading to the desire to repeat this experience. It can be the start of any kind of addiction and manic behaviour. Also, when gains come quicklywe tend to lose sight of the basic wisdom that true success, to really last, must come through hard work. We do not take into account the role that luck plays in such sudden gains. We try again and again to recapture that high from winning so much money or attention. We acquire feelings ofgrandiosity. We become especially resistant to anyone who tries to warn us—they don’t understand, we tell ourselves. Because this cannot be sustained, we experience an inevitable fall, which is all the more painful, leading to the depression part of the cycle. Although gamblers are the most prone to this, it equally applies to businesspeople during bubbles and to people who gainsudden attention from the public. Unexpected losses or a string of losses equally create irrational reactions. We imagine we are cursed with bad luck and that this will go on indefinitely. We become fearful and hesitant, which will often lead to more mistakes or failures. In sports, this can induce what is known
Emotional Regulation Part One
Emotional Regulation Part One WHAT ARE EMOTIONS? Emotions are reactions that human beings experience in response to events or situations. The type of emotion a person experiences is determined by the circumstance that triggers the emotion. For instance, a person experiences joy when they receive good news. A person experiences fear when they are threatened. Emotions have a strong influence on our daily lives. We make decisions based on whether we are happy, angry, sad, bored, or frustrated. We choose activities and hobbies based on the emotions they incite. Understanding emotions can help us navigate life with greater ease and stability. In 1972, psychologist Paul Ekman suggested that there are six basic emotions that are universal throughout human cultures: fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness. In 1999, Ekman expanded his list to include a number of other basic emotions, including embarrassment, excitement, contempt, shame, pride, satisfaction, and amusement. Happiness: Many people strive for happiness, as it is a pleasant emotion accompanied by a sense of well-being and satisfaction. Happiness is often expressed by smiling or speaking in an upbeat tone of voice. Sadness: All of us experience sadness now and then. Someone might express sadness by crying, being quiet, and/or withdrawing from others. Types of sadness include grief, hopelessness and disappointment. Fear: Fear can increase heart rate, cause racing thoughts, or trigger the fight-or-flight response. It can be a reaction to actual or perceived threats. Some people enjoy the adrenaline rush that accompanies fear in the form of watching scary movies, riding roller coasters, or skydiving. Disgust: Disgust can be triggered by a physical experience, such as seeing or smelling rotting food, blood, or poor hygiene. Moral disgust may occur when someone sees another person doing something they find immoral or distasteful. Anger: Anger can be expressed with facial expressions like frowning, yelling, or violent behaviour. Anger can motivate you to make changes in your life, but you need to find a healthy outlet to express anger so it doesn’t cause harm to yourself or others. Surprise: Surprise can be pleasant or unpleasant. You might open your mouth or gasp when you’re surprised. Surprise, like fear, can trigger the fight-or-flight response. MASTERING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF USING RATIONALITY You like to imagine yourself in control of your fate, consciously planning the course of your life as best you can. But you are largely unaware of how deeply your emotions dominate you. They make you veer toward ideas that soothe your ego. They make you look for evidence that confirmswhat you already want to believe. They make you see what you want to see, depending on your mood, and this disconnect from reality is the source of the bad decisions and negative patterns that haunt your life. Rationality is the ability to counteract these emotional effects, to think instead of react, to open your mind to what is really happening, as opposed to what you are feeling. It does not come naturally; it is a power we must cultivate, but in doing so we realize our greatest potential. Like everyone, you think you are rational, but you are not. Rationality is not a power you are born with but one you acquire through training and practice. Rationality is then what you will value the most and that which will serve as your guide. Your first task is to look at those emotions that are continually infecting your ideas and decisions. Learn to question yourself: Why this anger or resentment? Where does this incessant need for attention come from? Under such scrutiny, your emotions will lose their hold on you. You will begin tothink for yourself instead of reacting to what others give you. Emotions tend to narrow the mind, making us focus on one or two ideas that satisfy our immediate desire for power or attention, ideas that usually backfire. Now, with a calm spirit, you can entertain a wide range of options and solutions. You will deliberate longer before acting and reassess your strategies. The voice will become clearer and clearer. When people besiege you with their endless dramas and petty emotions, you will resent the distraction and apply your rationality to think past them. Like an athlete continually getting stronger through training, your mind will become more flexible and resilient. Clear and calm, you will see answers and creative solutions that no one else can envision. Whenever anything goes wrong in our life, we naturally seek an explanation. To not find some cause for why our plans went awry, or why we faced sudden resistance to our ideas, would be deeply disturbing to us and intensify our pain. But in looking for a cause, our minds tend to revolve around the same types of explanations: someone or some group sabotaged me, perhaps out ofdislike; large antagonistic forces out there, such as the government or social conventions, hindered me; I received bad advice, or information was kept from me. Finally—if worse comes to worst— it was all bad luck and unfortunate circumstances. These explanations generally emphasize our helplessness. “What could I have done differently? How could I have possibly foreseen the nasty actions of X against me?” They are also somewhat vague. We usually can’t point to specific malicious actions of others. We can only suspect or imagine. These explanations tend to intensify our emotions—anger, frustration, depression—which we can then wallow in and feel bad for ourselves. Most significantly, our first reaction is to look outward for the cause. Yes, we might be responsible for some of what happened, but for the most part, other people and antagonistic forces tripped us up. This reaction is deeply ingrained in the human animal. In ancient times, it might have been the gods or evil spirits who were to blame. We of the present choose to call them other names. The truth, however, is very different from this. Certainly there are individuals and larger forces out there that continually have an effect on us, and there is much we cannot control in
Stress Management Part Three
Stress Management Part Three STAND IN YOUR POWER “When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.” —Mark Twain There are some times when letting out a swear word or two can be extremely cathartic and sometimes empowering, especially when it is used as a mechanism to release the energy of stress and when it doesn’t inflict harm on anyone. Being Powerful Many people think that being powerful means being aggressive, overbearing, dominating, or controlling. And because these qualities are viewed as negative, many people have contradicting feelings about what being powerful means. As a result, instead of standing in their power, many people give their power away, not wanting to be seen as too aggressive or rude. Standing in your power has nothing to do with how you treat people or whether you use force to get what you want. It refers to knowing who you are and standing by yourself and your beliefs.Power isn’t something that comes from external measures but from an internal process of growth, love, acceptance, and awareness. In short, rarely does anyone take your power away; rather, you give it away. Any time you believe you are not enough or do not have enough to manage adversity, you bring yourself closer to feeling powerless, whether it comes from incessant self-doubt and thoughts of being inadequate, feelings of being overwhelmed, worrying about what others may think, being upset that you are not being heard and have no voice, or feeling that you are not deserving of good or success. As long as you hold on to a “not enough” belief or thought, you sabotage your chances of standing in your own power. When you are not in your own power, you cannot fully honour yourself, what is important to you, who you truly are, what you truly want, what you are capable of accomplishing, or standing strong in your decisions. You are not solid in yourself, in your beliefs, or who you are. Giving your power away happens the minute you take care of someone else’s needs at your own expense. It happens when you do not say no and take on more than your plate can handle and when you let other people’s feelings matter more than yours. It happens when you are not mindful of how tired, sad, hungry, or lonely you might be and when you criticize yourself by “should-ing” on yourself. The “Should” Problem I bet you have never paid attention to how many times you say “should” during the course of a day, either directing that “should” toward someone and what they should have done or toward yourself. You may not realize this, but every time you “should” yourself, you put yourself down and shame yourself. Statements such as “I should have known better,” “I should have gotten a salad, not that burger,” “I should lose weight” or “I should have gone left instead of right” underline the notion that you are not enough and need to be ashamed for this. When you berate yourself like this, the stress response gets triggered, and with that comes other negative emotions,memories of feeling similarly in the past, and the associated physiological changes. Perhaps you can witness what should-ing yourself feels like and judge for yourself whether it gives a feeling of invincibility and expansiveness or smallness and contraction. Quieting the Inner Critic We all have an inner critic. For some of you, that critic is a loud voice that tries to convince you that you are not enough through the framework of negative emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. When you are running on empty, when your infrastructure is down, or when you are under a lot of stressand overwhelmed, your inner critic gets louder and louder, cutting you no slack. It doesn’t let you be human or make mistakes. It encourages you to sabotage yourself so that you continue not to take care or support yourself, and ultimately, it causes you to shame yourself and apologize for who you are. The key is to quiet the inner critic and choose to accept and love yourself instead. Making this choice helps you embark on the path of taking care of you, which lets you heal from hurts, get healthy, get fit, understand yourself better along with your needs and wants, communicate your beliefs and desires with clarity and conviction, and stay unapologetic for what you believe and who you are. Getting Clarity about What You Want Clarity is something you gain over time. For the most part, you often have to experience what you don’t want in order to realize what you do want. The problem is that most people ruminate on what they don’t want or don’t like, rather than focusing on the opposite. The more you hold on to a negative situation, the more you hold on to a negative belief or feeling, the more stress builds up in you—at some point, you explode. This happens when you think about a negative situation over and over again, tell the story repeatedly, or ruminate on it in any shapeor form. The more you focus on how something or someone makes you feel negative, the more you deplete yourself, the worse you become on what you want or deserve. The key is to acknowledge and honour the way you feel, understanding that your feelings are appropriate and reasonable, but they are not helping you feel good or remedy the situation. Then decide to change those feelings to ones that are positive, are more powerful, and actually serve your well-being. Stating your thoughts and wants out loud repetitively will further enhance your feeling of power. LAUGH AND LET GO “Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.” —Charlie Chaplin Why Laughter Eases Stress If you think about it, laughter is highly social and part of the human way of life that allows us to bond and get through difficult times. When you laugh, it is rare that others don’t laugh with you,
Stress Management Part Two
Stress Management Part Two DEFEAT DISTRESS WITH LOVE “Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” —Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now Without suffering or pain, there exists little reason for rage. If you think about a four-year-old girl who is hurt, how does she react? Does she cry out or have a tantrum, or does she talk her way out of whatever she is feeling, find reason, and use her words wisely to express herself? When you are triggered and distressed, you become like this four-year-old child, where reason, rationale, and compassion get thrown out the window because the stress response sends signals to higher brain centres like the prefrontal cortex to shut down, while signalling lower, more primitivebrain centres such as the amygdala to take over. As the amygdala is activated, negative emotions escalate as hurtful and negative memories are brought forward, signalling the stress response to fire more strongly. Tunnel vision takes over and eventually what may have started out as a bit ofstress transforms into raging distress. Trying to stop this process once it starts is akin to trying to stop a shiver when you are freezing cold, which is close to impossible. It is possible to get control over the stress response, shift out of this negative state, and access your higher mind, rationale, and sense of calm. It may take a little work to get there, but it’s possible, especially if you learn to heal old wounds with a lot of love. The Memories That Trigger Distress Though it is rare that your life is actually being threatened, your brain does not usually distinguish between real or imagined threats. If a threat is perceived to be severe, the amygdala is activated to take over, and fear and fear-related behaviours take precedence over your rational brain andthinking abilities. If the threat is perceived to be mild, the amygdala will work alongside higher brain centres, which influence the amygdala to fire less strongly, thus provoking a weaker stress response with less associated negative emotions, which allows for better access to calm and rational thinking and behaviours. In other words, when you perceive that a threat is mild and not life-threatening, you are better able to motivate sound action without losing your cool. The problem lies in the fact that much of the time you are not aware that you perceive a given stress as life-threatening or severe because it is your unconscious mind (not conscious) via your memory bank that is feeling threatened. In such a case, your brain will remember an old memory of being hurt, and a threat that is minor in reality is perceived by the brain as severe. The prefrontal cortex and other higher brain centres shut down, causing the stress response to charge faster and stronger, despite your knowing better. Most of your memories, especially the ones that are associated with strong emotions, aren’t necessarily accurate but are associated with assumptions and beliefs that you developed during the course of your life. Different situations can bring these memories forward as well as the associatedassumptions, beliefs, and behaviours. A stressful situation might trigger a painful memory, which propels negative assumptions and beliefs that eventually lead to a pattern of behaviour. Thebehaviour may be explosive in nature, one of avoidance, passive aggressiveness, abusive (to Self or others), and so forth. The deeper or more hurtful the memory, the easier it is to trigger the automatic response. Painful memories can also be brought forward when a situation is barely even stressful because you are not taking care of yourself or you feel vulnerable or physically ill. This can happen when you are sleep-deprived, full of toxic chemicals (from food or alcohol) that create negative physiology in your body, in financial distress, overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities, having difficulties in a relationship or work, or experiencing any other sort of stress that leads you feeling more victim than victor. The point here is that as long as you are feeling victimized, or you consciously or unconsciously uphold a belief that you are victimized, distress will play a major role in your life. And believe it or not, one way to correct this problem is by having compassion for yourself. Love Stimulates Happy Memories and Reward Love induces a positive sense of reward filled with peace, balance, pleasure, and well-being. Feeling loved stimulates your memories of being happy and content. When in the state of love, your brain pulls from your positive memory bank propagating attitudes, beliefs, and emotions that are positive and well-intentioned. Your positive memory bank, like the negative, also brings forward memories, emotions, and conclusions from your past, but they are all positive. Rather than feeding you stories of negativity, victimization, and suffering, your positive memories provide you with memories of being happy, feeling good, and stories of your success. Tapping into Love You don’t have to actually fall in love with someone to make this work. In fact, love is a physiological state that can be tapped into in a variety of ways that often have nothing to do with anyone else. You can, for instance, use your imagination to focus on the experience of being loved by someone you adore, by the universe, or by an imaginary being. Love, or the physiological state of love, can be accessed through meditation, the practice of compassion, gratitude, mindfulness, spending time in nature, volunteering, other self-care practices (like healthy eating and exercise), spirituality or spiritual activities, social support, and spending time with pets. RESTRUCTURE YOUR INFRASTRUCTURE “It is wise to direct your anger towards problems—not people; to focus your energies on answers—not excuses.” —William Arthur Ward If you haven’t figured it out yet, your brain is not separate from your body and neither are separate from your environment. This means that what you put in your body, do with your body, and surround yourself with in your life will affect how you feel, how you think, how you perceive yourself in your world—enough