Habits: What They Are, Why They’re So Hard To Implement And How To Get Rid Of the Bad Ones
Habits: What They Are, Why They’re So Hard To Implement And How To Get Rid Of The Bad Ones We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. – Will Durant Do you need help forming rock-solid habits that will support you for the rest of your life? Are you the kind of person that sets New Year’s Resolutions but continually fails to stick to them? Have you lost confidence in your ability to get rid of the bad habits that are preventing you from living the life you want? This article is for you if you are in the following situation: You want to get rid of bad habits but have failed many times before. You are struggling with procrastination and/or you lack self-discipline. You want your habits to stick once and for all. You want to implement powerful habits that will serve you for the rest of your life and bring you great results. What If You Could Predict Success? Do you think you can tell whether someone is going to be successful 5 or 10 years from now? You can, believe it or not, and figuring it out is actually very simple. All you have to do is take a look at their typical day. Extraordinary people have extraordinary habits, while average people have average habits. There are very few exceptions to that rule, and it applies to you. So if you want to know where you’re going to be in 10 or 20 years from now, look at what you did today or yesterday. Ask yourself the following question: If I keep doing what I’m doing today, will I bewhere I want to be in 10 or 20 years from now? Be brutally honest with yourself. I encourage you to dig deeper by asking this question for each specific goal you have. Look at your goals and ask yourself, “Will I achieve these goals if I keep on doing what I’m doing today?” You’ll know the answer if you’re honest enough with yourself. How confident are you about your ability to achieve your goals based on what you’re currently doing? On a scale of 1 to 10, is your confidence 8 out of 10, 6 out of 10, or even 3 out of 10? If it’s less than 8 out of 10, you probably don’t have the daily habits that will allow you to successfully achieve your goals. Daily habits aren’t necessarily hard to do, but it’s VERY easy not to do them at all. When asked what keeps you from committing to new habits, you might argue that you were busy today and couldn’t do X, Y or Z for whatever reason. You might say that you’ll find the time later. The truth is, you can always come up with excuses. But if what you’re doing today isn’t going tolead you towards a future of fulfillment, happiness and health, there’s little reason to believe things will magically change later on. How often have you heard people say, “I’ll start tomorrow”? Whether they’re talking about dieting, exercise, or learning a new skill, the result is usually the same. Tomorrow comes and goes but thediet, workout, or activity never starts. And the worst part is, we knew it wasn’t going to happen the minute they said “I’ll start tomorrow.” Never Trust Your Future Self If you want achieve your goals, stick to the following rule: Always assume that what you’re doing today is what you’ll do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and so on and so forth. Doing this focuses your awareness on what you’re doing NOW, not what you may (and most likely won’t) do in the future. By living as if what you do today will determine your future (it will), you’ll be motivated to take action in the present instead of relying on your future self to do something later. Believing that your future self will somehow be more disciplined than your current self is a major trap. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way. The fact remains, however, that what your current self does today determines what your future self will do tomorrow! If what you’re doing today isn’t going to lead to the future you envision for yourself, it’s probably time for you to make some changes in your life. Now, let’s take a deeper look at what habits are. Habits: What They are and Why They’re So Hard to Implement Our lives are largely controlled by our subconscious minds, which are in charge of running the habits we’ve adopted consciously or, in most cases, unconsciously over the years. Our brains are very efficient machines that hate wasting energy. Once the brain has been conditioned to perform a certain task repeatedly, it runs primarily on auto-pilot. This is great when you learn to drive or tie your shoes, but it’s not so great when you want to break a habit. It takessignificant effort to change your brain’s pre-existent programming, and it’s an uphill battle until your subconscious mind finally accepts the change. That’s why it’s so hard to form new habits or get rid of old ones. Your brain isn’t wired for change. It likes things just the way they are. Why Habits are Mind-Bogglingly ImportantThe quality of your habits will determine the quality of our life. It’s what you do on a daily basis that truly matters, not what you do from time to time or when you have a sudden burst of motivation. Take a few minutes to look at your current habits. How would you describe them? Are they the habits of a successful, happy person? Or are they the habits of someone stuck in a rut? What a Few Simple Habits Can Do For YouWhen it comes to habits, it’s crucial to realize that even a small daily habit can have a major impact on your life if you stick with them long enough. That’s why making habits is
The World Doesn’t Owe You Anything: How To Stop Feeling Entitled
The World Doesn’t Owe You Anything: How To Stop Feeling Entitled Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. — ROBERT JONES BURDETTE Centre Of The Universe We’re all inclined to want our fair share in life. However, the belief that you’re owed something simply because of who you are or what you’ve been through isn’t healthy. Do you respond positively to any of the points below? You think you perform better than average at most tasks, like driving or interacting with other people. You’re more likely to talk your way out of problems rather than accept the consequences. You believe you were born to be successful. You think your self-worth is tied to your material wealth. You believe you deserve to be happy. You think you’ve dealt with your share of problems in life and it’s your turn to have good things happen to you. You enjoy talking about yourself more than hearing about other people. You think you’re smart enough to succeed without having to work hard. You sometimes buy things you can’t afford but justify it by telling yourself that you’re worth it. You consider yourself an expert in many things. Believing that you shouldn’t have to work as hard or shouldn’t have to go through the same process as everyone else because you’re the exception to the rule isn’t healthy. But you can learn how to stop complaining about not getting what you deserve and start focusing on how to become successful without feeling entitled. Why We Feel The World Owes Us Something Whether it’s someone who has dealt with unfortunate circumstances and thinks he deserves something to make up for it, or it’s someone who thinks she’s better than everyone else and deserves to be rewarded for it, people like that are everywhere. And while we’re good at noticingthis trait in other people, the fact is, all of us feel entitled at one time or another and we often lack the insight to recognize it in ourselves. We live in a world where rights and privileges frequently get confused. Often, people think they have a “right to be happy” or a “right to be treated respectfully,” even if it means they have to infringe on others’ rights to get what they want. Instead of trying to earn privileges, they behave as if society is somehow indebted to them. Advertising tempts us to buy products by promotingself-indulgence and materialism. The idea that “You deserve it,” whether you can afford it or not, leads many among us to go deeply into debt. A feeling that the world owes you something isn’t always about a sense of superiority. Sometimes it is about a sense of injustice. A person who had a difficult childhood, for example, may spendthrift as he buys himself all the things he never had as a kid. He may think the world owes him the opportunity to have nice things, since he missed out on a lot as a youngster. This type of entitlement can be just as detrimental as when people think they’re superior.Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of Generation Me and The Narcissism Epidemic, has conducted many studies on narcissism and entitlement. Her studies have found that younger generations have an increased desire for material wealth and a decreased desire to work. Shesuggests several possible reasons for this disconnect including: 1. The focus on helping children develop self-esteem has gone overboardSchool programs aimed at improving self-esteem teach children that they’re all special. Allowing children to wear shirts that say things like IT’S ALL ABOUT ME or telling them repeatedly, “You’re the best,” fuels their inflated beliefs about self-importance. 2. Overindulgent parenting prevents children from learning how to accept responsibility for their behaviourWhen children are given whatever they want and they don’t have to experience consequences for misbehaviour, they don’t learn the value of earning things. Instead, they’re given an overabundance of material possessions and accolades regardless of their behaviour. 3. Social media fuels mistaken beliefs about self-importanceYoung people can’t imagine a world without “selfies” and self-promotional blogs. It’s unclear if social media actually fuels narcissism or it simply serves as an outlet for people to announce their underlying beliefs of superiority. But there is evidence that suggests people turn to social media to boost their self-esteem. The Problem With A Sense Of Entitlement An entitlement mentality prevents you from earning things based on merit. You’ll be less likely to work hard when you’re busy complaining that you’re not getting what you’re owed. Instead, you’ll expect that you should have things based on who you are or what you’ve been through. You won’t be able to accept responsibility for your behaviour when you’re focused on trying to stake your claim over what you think the world owes you. You’ll also make unrealistic demands of people or be too focused on gaining what you think you deserve to be able to contribute to a relationship in a meaningful way.If you are always demanding, “I deserve to be cared for and treated well,” you may have trouble offering the type of love and respect that will attract a partner who treats you kindly. When you’re focused on yourself, it is extremely challenging to be empathetic. Why donate time and money to other people if you’re always thinking things like I deserve to buy nice things for myself? Instead of experiencing the joy of giving, you’ll be too fixated on what you’re not getting. When you don’t get everything you want entitlement can lead to feelings of bitterness as you’ll think you were somehow victimized. Instead of enjoying all that you have and all that you’re free to do, you’ll focus on all that you don’t have and all the things you can’t do. You’ll likely miss outon some of the best things in life. Develop Self-awareness Of Your Sense Of Entitlement We see it all the time in the media—wealthy people, celebrities,
Solitude: Get Comfortable Being Alone
Solitude: Get Comfortable Being Alone All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone. —BLAISE PASCAL Solitude Phobia Spending time alone isn’t at the top of most people’s priority lists. For many of us, the thought of being alone just doesn’t sound appealing. For others, it sounds downright scary. Do any of the points below describe you? When you have spare time, the last thing you’d likely do is just sit and think. You think spending time by yourself is boring. You like to keep the TV or a radio on for background noise when you’re doing things around the house. You feel uncomfortable with silence. You equate being alone with feeling lonely. You would never enjoy doing activities, such as going to a football match or watching a concert, by yourself. You’d feel too guilty to do anything by yourself. When you have a few spare minutes in a waiting room or in between tasks, you’re likely to make a phone call, send text messages, chat on WhatsApp, or use other social media platforms. While driving in the car by yourself, you usually keep the radio on or you talk on the phone to keep yourself entertained. Writing in a journal or meditating seems like a waste of time. You don’t have time or opportunity for solitude. Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals. Success in all areas of life requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life to focus on growth. Why We Avoid Being Alone Although solitude has plenty of positive connotations among the major religions—Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha were all described as appreciating solitude—being alone has developed some negative associations in modern society. Extreme cases of solitude, such as someone characterized as a “hermit,” are often portrayed negatively in cartoons, fairy tales, and movies. Jokes about becoming “the old cat lady” also serve as gentle suggestions that “being alone makes you go crazy.” Parents place kids in time-outs when they misbehave, which sends the message that being alone is a punishment. And the term “solitary confinement” is used to describe consequences for the worst-of-the-worst prison inmates. Although extreme solitude clearly isn’t healthy, being alone seems to have received such a bad rap that even short durations of alone time can be viewed as unpleasant. The notion that “being alone is bad” and “being surrounded by people is good” pressures us to fill our social calendars. Sometimes there’s the impression that sitting home alone on a Saturday night isn’t healthy or it means you’re a “loser.” Keeping an overbooked calendar also helps people feel important. The more your phone rings, and the more plans you make, the more important you must be. Staying busy also serves as a wonderful distraction. If you have problems you don’t want to address, why not invite your neighbours over for dinner or go drinking with some friends? After all, you won’t have to think about your problems as long as you keep your brain occupied with pleasant conversation. Even if you can’t spend time with other people physically, advances in technology mean that you don’t ever really have to be alone. You can talk on the phone almost anywhere, use social media to be in constant contact with people, send text messages, and chat on WhatsApp the second you have a spare moment. You can virtually avoid being alone with your thoughts almost every minute of the day. There are also societal pressures to be productive. People who feel like they must be accomplishing something all the time may view “alone time” as “wasting time.” So they fill every spare second with activity. Whether they’re cleaning the house or creating more to-do lists, they may not seemuch value in taking time to just sit and think because it doesn’t produce immediate tangible results. In fact, they may feel guilty if they’re not “getting something done.” And then, of course, some individuals just don’t feel comfortable being alone. They’ve grown accustomed to chaos, incessant noise, and constant activity. Down time, silence, and self-care aren’t words in their vocabularies. They’re terrified to be alone with their thoughts because they know they may think about things that could cause them to feel uncomfortable. If they had a few spare moments, they may remember something sad or they may worry about the future. So in an attempt to keep their uncomfortable emotions at bay, they keep their minds as busy as possible. Being alone often gets confused with being lonely. Feelings of loneliness have been linked to poor sleep, high blood pressure, weaker immune systems, and increased stress hormones. But being alone doesn’t necessarily cause loneliness. In fact, many people feel lonely when they’resurrounded by others in a crowded room. Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you. But solitude is about making a choice to be alone with your thoughts. The Problem With Fearing Solitude Constantly tending to our daily responsibilities and relationships can take a toll on us if we don’t stop and take time to renew ourselves. Unfortunately, the benefits of solitude are often ignored or minimized. Here’s what the research says are some of the major benefits that those of us who fear alone time might be missing out on: 1. Moderate alone time is good for childrenA 1997 study called “The Emergence of Solitude as a Constructive Domain of Experience in Early Adolescence” found that fifth to ninth graders who spent moderate amounts of time alone were less likely to exhibit behavioural problems. They also scored lower on depression rating scales and had higher grade point averages. 2. Solitude at the office can increase productivityAlthough many office settings promote open work spaces and large brainstorming sessions, a 2000 study called “Cognitive Stimulation in Brainstorming” found that most people in the study performed better when they had some privacy. Spending some time away
The Virtue Of Patience: Don’t Expect Immediate Results
The Virtue Of Patience: Don’t expect Immediate Results Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success. — NAPOLEON HILL Patience Isn’t Your Virtue Although we live in a fast-paced world, we can’t get everything we want instantly. Whether you’re hoping to improve your marriage or you want to start your own business, expecting immediate results can set you up to fail. Do any of the points below sound familiar? You don’t believe good things come to those who wait. You think of time as money and you don’t want to risk wasting a single second. Patience isn’t your strong suit. If you don’t see immediate results, you’re likely to presume what you’re doing isn’t working. You want things done now. You often look for shortcuts so you don’t have to expend as much effort and energy getting what you want. You feel frustrated when other people don’t seem to go at your pace. You give up when you aren’t seeing results fast enough. You have trouble sticking to your goals. You think everything should happen fast. You tend to underestimate how long it will take to reach your goals or accomplish something. Successful and wealthy people recognize that a quick fix isn’t always the best solution. A willingness to develop realistic expectations and an understanding that success doesn’t happen overnight is necessary if you want to reach your full potential. Why We Expect Immediate Results We live in a fast-moving world of “no lines, no waiting.” We no longer have to send a letter and wait several days for it to arrive. Instead, we can use the internet to transmit information anywhere in the world within seconds. We don’t have to wait for commercials to end before resuming our favourite TV shows. Subscription video on-demand over-the-top streaming services like Netflix mean we can watch almost any movie we want in an instant. Microwaves and fast food mean we can get our food in a matter of minutes. And we can order almost anything we want online and have it delivered to our doors within twenty-four hours. Not only does our fast-paced world discourage us from waiting, but there are always stories floating around about someone who has become an “overnight success.” You hear about a musician who gets discovered from a YouTube video or a reality star who becomes an instant celebrity. Or start-ups that make millions of dollars as soon as they get off them ground. These types of accounts fuel our desire to get immediate results from whatever we’re doing. Despite the stories about people and businesses achieving immediate results, in reality, success is rarely instant. Twitter’s founder spent eight years creating mobile and social products before founding Twitter, now know as X. Apple’s first iPod took three years and four versions before sales really took off. Amazon wasn’t profitable for the first seven years. There is often folklore about these businesses that suggests they became overnight successes, but that’s because people are looking at the end result and not at all the work it took to get there. So it’s no wonder we have come to expect immediate results in other areas of our lives. Whether we’re trying to rid ourselves of bad habits, like overeating or drinking too much, or we’re working toward goals like paying off debt or earning a college degree, we want it now. Here are some more reasons why we expect immediate results: 1. We lack patienceIt’s evident in our everyday behaviour that we expect things to happen immediately. If we don’t get results, we give up. A study conducted by Ramesh Sitaraman, a computer science professor at UMass Amherst, found that when it comes to technology, our patience lasts two seconds. If within two seconds, an online video doesn’t load, people start leaving the website. Clearly, our patience is short and when we don’t get the results we want right away, it affects our behaviour. 2. We overestimate our abilitiesSometimes we tend to think that we’ll do so well at something that we’ll see results right away. Someone may incorrectly assume he’s likely to become the best performing salesperson at his company within his first month of employment or someone else may assume he can lose tenkilogrammes in just two weeks. Overestimating your abilities can leave you feeling disappointed when you find that you’re not able to perform as well as you’d predicted. 3. We underestimate how long change takesWe’re so used to technology accomplishing things quickly, we incorrectly assume that change in all the areas of our lives can happen fast. We lose sight of the fact that personal change, business operations, and people don’t move nearly as fast as technology. The Problem With Expecting Immediate Unrealistic expectations about how easy it is to make changes and get fast results can set you up to fail. In a 1997 research study titled “End-of-Treatment Self-Efficacy: A Predicator of Abstinence,” researchers reported they found that patients who were overly confident about theirability to abstain from alcohol when they’re discharged from a rehabilitation facility were more likely to relapse compared to patients who were less confident. Overconfidence may cause you to assume that you’ll reach your goal with ease, and then if you don’t get immediate results, you may struggle to stay on course. Expecting immediate results can also cause you to prematurely abandon your efforts. If you aren’t seeing results right away, you may incorrectly assume your efforts aren’t working. A business owner who invests money in a new marketing campaign may assume his efforts didn’t workbecause he doesn’t see an instant increase in sales. But perhaps his investment in advertising is increasing brand recognition that will lead to a steady increase in sales over the long term. Or maybe someone who goes to the gym for a month doesn’t see bigger muscles when he looks in the mirror, so he assumes his workouts aren’t effective. But, in reality, he’s slowly making progress that will take many months,
Learning From Mistakes: How To Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes
Learning From Mistakes: How To Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. —JOHN POWELL Repeat Offender Although we’d like to think we learn from our mistakes the first time around, the truth is, everyone repeats mistakes sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Mistakes can be behavioural—like showing up late for work—or they can be cognitive. Thinking errors include always assuming people don’t like you or never planning ahead. Although someone may say “Next time I won’t jump to conclusions,” they may repeat those same thinking errors if they’re not careful. Do any ofthe points below sound familiar? You often find yourself stuck at the same point when you’re trying to reach a goal. When you encounter an obstacle, you don’t invest much time looking for new ways to overcome it. You find it hard to give up your bad habits because you keep falling back on your old ways. You don’t invest much time in analyzing why your attempts to reach your goals are unsuccessful. You get mad at yourself because you can’t get rid of some of your bad habits. You sometimes say things like “I’ll never do that again,” only to find yourself doing the same thing all over again. Sometimes it just feels like it takes too much effort to learn new ways to do things. You often feel frustrated by your lack of self-discipline. Your motivation to do things differently disappears as soon as you begin to feel uncomfortable or upset. Did any of those points resonate with you? Sometimes we just don’t learn the first time. But there are steps we can take to avoid repeating the unhealthy mistakes that hold us back from reaching our goals. Why We Make The Same Mistakes If someone says “I’m never going to do that again,” why on earth would the person keep doing it over and over? The truth is, our behaviour is complicated. For a long time, many teachers held the common belief that if a child was allowed to guess an answer incorrectly, he would be in danger of accidently memorizing the wrong answer. For example, if a child guessed that 4 + 4 = 6, he’d always recall 6 as the right answer, even after hewas corrected. To prevent this, teachers gave kids the answers first without allowing them to make an educated guess. Fast-forward to 2012, when a research study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition showed that as long as study participants were given a chance to learn the correct information, they could learn from previous mistakes. In fact, researchers found that when kids thought about potential answers, even if those answers were incorrect, their retention rates for the correct answers improved once their mistakes were corrected. Kids, just likeadults, are able to learn from their mistakes when they’re given the opportunity. Despite the fact that we now have a study that proves we can learn from our mistakes, it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger. Growing up, you may have learned it’s better to hide your mistakes than face the consequences. And school wasn’t the only place we built our understanding of handling mistakes. Celebrities, politicians, and athletes are commonly portrayed in the media as trying to cover up their missteps. They lie and attempt to talktheir way out of admitting they did anything wrong even when there’s evidence to the contrary. And when we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to repeating them in the future.We’ve all heard this line before: “I stand by my decisions . . .” This is an acknowledgment of behaviour but falls short of admitting a mistake, all because of pride. Being stubborn is a big factor for repeat offenders too. A person who makes a poor investment may say “Well, I’ve got so much invested in this now; I might as well just keep going.” Rather than just losing a little money, he’d rather risk more because he’s too stubborn to stop. Someonein a job she despises may say, “I’ve devoted ten years of my life to this organisation. I don’t want to walk away now.” But the only thing worse than investing ten years into something unhealthy or unproductive is investing ten years and one day. Impulsivity is another reason people repeat mistakes. Although there’s a lot to be said for “dusting yourself off and getting right back up on the horse,” it is wiser to figure out why you fell off in the first place before you try again. Find yourself stuck in a state of perpetually repeating mistakes? You might be getting too comfortable. A woman may enter into one bad relationship after another because it’s all she knows. She may keep dating men all within the same social circle who have similar problems because she lacks the confidence to look for a better prospect elsewhere. Similarly, a man may keep turning to alcohol when he feels stressed because he doesn’t know how to cope with problems sober. To avoid those mistakes and do something different would feel uncomfortable. And then there are those individuals who feel so uncomfortable with success that they sabotage their own efforts. When things are going well, they may feel anxious while waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behaviour and repeat the same mistakes. The Problem With Repeating Our Mistakes Repeating the same mistakes leads to many problems, such as the following: 1. You won’t reach your goalsWhether you’re trying to lose weight for the fifth time or you’re working on quitting smoking for the tenth time, if you keep repeating the same mistakes, you won’t ever reach your goals. Instead, you’ll stay stuck at the same point and won’t be able to move
Making Peace With The Past: How To Stop The Past From Holding You Back
Making Peace With The Past: How To Stop The Past From Holding You Back We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present. — MARIANNE WILLIAMSON Stuck In History Sometimes people dwell on the things that happened years ago, while others tend to dwell on whatever happened last week. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? You wish you could press the rewind button so you could redo portions of your life. You struggle with major regrets about your past. You spend a lot of time wondering how life would have turned out if only you had chosen a slightly different path. You sometimes feel like the best days of your life are already behind you. You replay past memories in your mind like a scene from a movie over and over again. You sometimes imagine saying or doing something differently in past memories to try and create a different outcome. You punish yourself or convince yourself you don’t deserve to be happy. You feel ashamed of your past. When you make a mistake or experience an embarrassing episode, you keep repeatedly replaying the event in your mind. You invest a lot of time in thinking about all the things you “should have” or “could have” done differently. Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing you from enjoying the present and planning for the future. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the past. You can choose to start living in the moment. Why We Dwell On The Past Lingering guilt, shame, and anger are some of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past. You might subconsciously think, If I stay miserable long enough, I’ll eventually be able to forgive myself. You may not even be aware that deep down, you don’t believe you deserve happiness. Dwelling On The Past Distracts You From The Present Sometimes we dwell on the past as a way to distract ourselves from the present. Often, we romanticize the past as a way to escape problems in the present. If, for example, you’re not happy in your current relationship, or if you’re not in a relationship at all, it may be tempting to spend a lot of time thinking about a past love. Perhaps you wish that your last relationship had worked out or you still think if you’d married your college sweetheart, you’d be better off. It can be tempting to fixate on how much easier or happier life was “back then.” You may even begin to regret some of the decisions you made that landed you where you are today and say things like “If only I’d married my old boyfriend, I’d still be happy”; “If I hadn’t dropped out of college, I’d have a job I love”; or “If I didn’t agree to move to a new town, I’d still have a good life.” The truth is, we don’t know what life would have had in store for us had we not made those choices. But it’s easy for us to imagine that life could be better if we could only change the past. The Problem With Dwelling On The Past Ruminating on the past won’t change it. Instead, wasting your time dwelling on what’s already happened will only lead to more problems in the future. Here are some of the ways that dwelling on the past can interfere with your ability to be your best self: 1. You miss out on the presentYou can’t enjoy the present if your mind is constantly stuck in the past. You’ll miss out on experiencing new opportunities and celebrating the joys of today if you’re distracted by things that have already occurred. 2. Dwelling on the past makes it impossible to adequately prepare for the futureYou won’t be able to clearly define your goals or stay motivated to create change when a big part of you remains stuck in the past. 3. Dwelling on the past interferes with your decision-making skillsWhen you have unresolved issues from the past, those conflicts will cloud your thinking. You won’t be able to adequately make healthy decisions about what’s best for you today when you can’t get over something that happened yesterday. 4. Dwelling on the past doesn’t solve anythingReplaying the same scripts in your head and focusing on things you no longer have control over won’t resolve anything. 5. Dwelling on the past can lead to depressionRuminating on negative events conjures up negative emotions. And when you feel sad, the more likely you are to conjure up even more sad memories. Dwelling on past times can be a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck in the same emotional state. 6. Romanticizing the past—the grass-is-greener philosophy—isn’t helpful It’s easy to convince yourself that you felt happier, more confident, and completely carefree back then. But there’s a good chance you’re exaggerating how great things used to be. It can also make you exaggerate how bad things are now. 7. Dwelling on the past is bad for your physical healthThinking constantly about negative events increases inflammation in your body, according to a 2013 study conducted by researchers at the University of Ohio. Dwelling on the past could put you at a greater risk for diseases associated with heart disease, cancer, and dementia. Shift Your Thinking Dwelling starts out as a cognitive process, but eventually it influences your emotions and behaviour. By shifting the way you think about the past, you can move forward. 1. Schedule time to think about a past eventSometimes our brains need a chance to sort things out and the more you tell yourself not to think about it, the more those memories can crop up throughout the day. Instead of battling to suppress the memories, remind yourself, I can think about that after dinner tonight. Then, after dinner, give yourself twenty minutes to think about it. When your time is up, move on to something else. 2. Give yourself something
Change The Way You Think About Failure
Change The Way You Think About Failure Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success. —ROBERT T. KIYOSAKI If At First You Don’t Succeed . . . While some people are motivated by failure to do better the next time, other people simply give up. Do any of these points resonate with you? You worry about being perceived as a failure by other people. You only like to participate in things where you’re likely to excel. If your first attempt at something doesn’t work out well, you’re not likely to try again. You believe the most successful people were born with the natural talent to succeed. There are plenty of things that you don’t think you could ever learn to do, no matter how hard you try. Much of your self-worth is linked to your ability to succeed. The thought of failing feels very unsettling. You tend to make excuses for your failure. You would rather show off the skills you already have than try to learn new skills. Failure doesn’t have to be the end. In fact, most successful people treat failure as just the beginning of a long journey to success. Why We Give Up Fear is often at the heart of our unwillingness to try something again after we’ve failed at it already, but not everyone shares the same fears about failure. One person may worry that he’ll disappoint his parents while another person may worry that she’s too fragile to handle another setback. Ratherthan facing these fears, many people simply avoid risking another failure, which we associate with shame. Some of us try to hide our failures; others devote a lot of energy into making excuses for them. A student may say, “I didn’t have time to study for this test at all,” even though she devoted many hours of her time preparing, just to cover up the fact that she did poorly. Another student may hide his test score from his parents because he’s ashamed that he didn’t do well. In other instances, we allow failure to define who we are. Someone may believe one failure in business means he was never destined to be an entrepreneur, or an individual who fails to publish his first book may conclude he’s a poor writer. Giving up can also be a learned behaviour. Perhaps as a child, your mother swooped in to help you accomplish any task you weren’t able to do on the first try. Or maybe when you told your teacher you couldn’t figure out your math work, she gave you the answers so you never really had to figureit out for yourself. Always expecting someone else to come to our rescue can be a hard habit to break, even into adulthood, making it less likely that we’ll be willing to try again if we fail. Finally, many people give up because they have a fixed mind-set about their abilities. They don’t think that they have any control over their level of talent so they don’t bother improving and trying again after failure. They think if you weren’t born with a God-given talent to do something, there’s no use in trying to learn. The Problem With Giving In To Failure If you have a habit of always giving up after your first failure, you will likely miss out on a lot of opportunities in your life. Failing can actually be a wonderful experience—but only if you move forward with the knowledge you gain from it. It’s difficult to succeed without failing at least once. Take, for example, Theodor Geisel—also known as Dr. Seuss—whose first book was rejected by more than twenty publishers. He eventually went on to publish forty-six of the most well-known children’s books, some of which were turned into television specials, feature films, and Broadway musicals. Had he given up the first time he failed to get a publishing deal, the world would never have had the opportunity to appreciate his unique writing style that has been entertaining children for decades. Giving up after the first failure can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each time you quit, you reinforce the idea that failure is bad, which in turn will prevent you from trying again; thus your fear of failure inhibits your ability to learn. In a 1998 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers compared fifth-grade children who were praised for their intelligence and children who were praised for their efforts. All the children were given a very difficult test. After they were shown their scores, they were given two options—they could look at the tests of children who scored lower or the tests of children who scored higher. The children who were praised for their intelligence were most likely to look at the scores of the children who scored lower so they could bolster their self-esteem. Children who had been praised for their efforts were more eager to look at the tests of children who scored better so they could learn from their mistakes. If you’re afraid of failure, you’ll be less likely to learn from mistakes and, therefore, less likely to try again. Identify Beliefs About Failure That Prevent You From Trying Again Thomas Edison was one of the most prolific inventors of all time. He held 1,093 patents for his products and the systems to support those products. Some of his most famous inventions included the electric light bulb, motion pictures, and the phonograph. But not all his inventions became wildly successful. You’ve probably never heard of his electric pen or the ghost machine. Those are just a couple of his many failed inventions. Edison knew that a certain number of his inventions were bound to fail and when he created a product that either didn’t work or didn’t seem to be a hit with the market, he didn’t view himself as a failure. In fact, he considered each failure to be an important learning opportunity. According
Taking Calculated Risks
Taking Calculated Risks Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. —RALPH WALDO EMERSON Risk Aversion We face many risks in our lives—financial, physical, emotional, social, and business risks to name a few, but often people avoid taking the risks that could help them reach their full potential because they’re afraid. Do you respond positively to any of the points below? You struggle to make important decisions in your life. You spend a lot of time daydreaming about what you’d like to do, but you don’t take any action. Sometimes you impulsively make a decision because thinking about the decision is just too anxiety provoking. You often think you could be doing a lot more adventurous and exciting things in life, but your fear holds you back. When you think about taking a risk, you usually only imagine the worst-case scenario and choose not to take the chance. You sometimes allow other people to make decisions for you so you don’t have to make them. You avoid risks in at least some areas of your life—social, financial, or physical—because you’re afraid. You base decisions on your level of fear. If you’re a little afraid, you might do something. But, if you feel really afraid, you decide taking the risk is unwise. You think that outcomes are largely dependent on luck. A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear. And fearing risk often leads to avoidance. But there are steps you can take to increase your ability to calculate risk accurately, and with practice, your risk-taking skills can improve. Why We Avoid Risks 1. Emotion prevails over logicEven when our emotions lack any type of rational basis, we sometimes allow those feelings to prevail. Instead of thinking about “what could be . . .” we focus on “what if.” But risks don’t have to be reckless. We often base our decisions on emotion instead of logic. We incorrectly assume there’s a direct correlation between our fear level and the risk level. But often, our emotions are just not rational. If we truly understood how to calculate risk, we’d know which risks were worth taking and we’d be a lot less fearful about taking them. 2. We don’t think about risksTo calculate risk, we must predict the probability that the outcome of our behaviour will result in either positive or negative consequences and then measure how big of an impact those consequences will have. Too often a risk evokes such a fear that we decide not to think about it or its consequences at all. And without understanding the potential outcomes of taking a risk, weusually end up avoiding risky ideas or dreams altogether. Risk starts out as a thought process. Whether you’re considering purchasing a new home, or you’re deciding whether to put on your seat belt, the decision involves some level of risk. Your thoughts about the risk will influence the way you feel, and ultimately, sway your behaviour. When you’re driving your car, you decide how fast to go. You face safety and legal risks while driving on the road, and you must balance these risks with your time. The faster you drive, the less time you have to spend in the car, but driving faster will also increase your risk of getting in an accident and receiving legal consequences. It’s unlikely you spend much time thinking about how fast to drive on your way to work each day. Instead your decision to obey the law or break the speed limit weighs heavily on your usual routine. But if you’re running late one day, you’ll need to decide whether to drive faster and risk more physical and legal danger or risk being late for work. The truth is, most of us don’t really invest much time calculating which risks to take and which risks to avoid. Instead, we base our decisions on emotions or habit. If it sounds too scary, we avoid the risk. If we’re excited about the possible benefits, we’re more likely to overlook the risk. The Problem With Fearing Risk 1. You don’t get to be extraordinary without taking calculated risksOthmar Ammann was a Swiss-born engineer who immigrated to the United States. He started out as the chief engineer to the Port Authority of New York and within seven years, they promoted him to director of engineering. By all accounts, he had an important job. But for as long as he could remember, Ammann had dreamed of becoming an architect. So he left his coveted job and set out to open his own business. In the years that followed, Ammann contributed to some of the most impressive American bridges, including the Verrazano-Narrows, the Delaware Memorial, and the Walt Whitman. His ability to design and create ornate,complicated, and extravagant structures earned him multiple awards. Most impressive of all might be that Ammann was sixty years old when he switched careers. He continued to create architectural masterpieces right up until he was eighty-six. At an age when most people don’t want to take any more risks, Ammann chose to take a calculated risk that allowed him to live his dream. If we only take risks that make us the most comfortable, we’relikely missing out on some great opportunities. Taking calculated risks often mean the difference between living a mediocre life and living an extraordinary life. 2. Emotion interferes with making logical choicesYou should have some fear about stepping into traffic. That fear reminds you that you should look both ways before you cross the road, so you can reduce the risk that you’ll get hit by a car. If you didn’t have any fear, you’d likely behave recklessly. But our “fear meters” aren’t always reliable. They sometimes go off even when we’re not in any actual danger. And when we feel afraid, we tend to behave accordingly, falsely believing “If it feels scary, it must be too risky.” For
Strategies To Help You Overcome People Pleasing
Strategies To Help You Overcome People Pleasing Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. —LAO TZU People-pleasing Signs People pleasing is all about trying to control how other people feel. Do you respond positively toany of the points below? You feel responsible for how other people feel. The thought of anyone being mad at you causes you to feel uncomfortable. You tend to be a “pushover.” You find it easier to agree with people rather than express a contrary opinion. You often apologize even when you don’t think you did anything wrong. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. You don’t usually tell people when you’re feeling offended or your feelings are hurt. You tend to say yes when people ask you for favours, even if you really don’t want to do something. You change your behaviour based on what you think other people want. You put a lot of energy into trying to impress people. If you hosted a party and people didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves, you’d feel responsible. You seek praise and approval from people in your life often. When someone around you is upset, you take responsibility for trying to make him or her feel better. You would never want anyone to think you are selfish. You often feel overscheduled and overburdened by all the things you have to do. Do any of those examples sound familiar? Attempts to be a “nice person” can backfire when your behaviour crosses over into people pleasing. It can take a serious toll on all areas of your life and make it impossible to reach your goals. You can still be a kind and generous person without trying to please everyone. Why We Try To Please People 1. FearConflict and confrontation can be uncomfortable. It’s usually not enjoyable to sit between squabbling co-workers in a meeting. And who wants to attend a family holiday gathering when their relatives are arguing? Fearing conflict, we tell ourselves, If I can make everyone happy, everything will be okay. When a people pleaser sees a car approaching quickly, he may drive faster because he thinks, That guy is in a hurry. I don’t want to make him mad by going too slow. People pleasers may also fear rejection or abandonment. If I don’t make you happy, you won’t like me. They thrive on praise and reassurance from others, and if they’re not receiving enough positive reinforcement, they change their behaviour to try and make people feel happy. 2. Learned behaviourSometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised by parents who were constantly bickering, you may have learned that conflict is bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments. Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to be people pleasers because that was the best way to deal with a parent’s unpredictable behaviour. In other cases, doing good deeds was the only way to get any attention. Putting other people first can also become a way to feel needed and important. I’m worth something if I can make other people feel happy. So it becomes a habit to always invest energy into other people’s feelings and lives. A lot of people often say they need to behave like a doormat, because that’s what the Bible says they should do. But I’m pretty sure the Bible says to “treat your neighbour as yourself,” not better than yourself. Most spiritual guidance encourages us to be bold enough to live according to our values, even when doing so displeases some people. The Problem With People Pleasing 1. Your assumptions aren’t always trueMost of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behaviour proves we’re generous. But when you think about it, always trying to please people isn’t a selfless act. It’s actually quite self-centered. It assumes that everyone cares about your every move. It also assumes you think you have the powerto control how other people feel. If you’re constantly doing things to make others happy and you don’t think they are appreciative of your efforts, you’ll soon experience resentment. Thoughts such as I do so much for you, but you don’t do anything for me will creep in and ultimately hurt your relationships. 2. People pleasing damages relationshipsIt’s an impossible feat to always make everyone around you happy. Perhaps your father-in-law asks you to help him on a project. But if you leave to go help him, your spouse will get angry because you had already made plans to have lunch together. When faced with such a decision, people pleasers will often choose to risk not pleasing the person closest to them. They know thattheir spouse will eventually get over being offended. Unfortunately, this leaves the people you love the most feeling hurt or angry. Shouldn’t we do the opposite? Shouldn’t we work the hardest on the most intimate and special relationships? Ever met someone who behaves like a martyr? Such individuals’ attempts to please others actually becomes a turnoff. They’re constantly saying things like “I do everything around here” or “If I don’t do it, no one will.” Martyrs risk becoming angry, bitter people, as their attempts to make others happy backfire. Whether you’re guilty of thinking you’re a martyr, or you simply struggle to say no when you fear you’ll hurt someone’s feelings, there aren’t any guarantees people will like you just because you try to please them. Instead, they may simply start taking advantage of you without forming a deeperrelationship based on trust and mutual respect. 3. People pleasers lose sight of their valuesBronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent many years working with patients who were dying, cites people pleasing as one of the biggest regrets she heard her patients share on their deathbeds. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she explains how dying people often said they wished they had lived a more authentic life. Instead of dressing, acting, and speaking
Reclaiming Your Personal Power
Reclaiming Your Personal Power When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. — DALE CARNEGIE Giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes it impossible to be happy and successful. Do any of the points below sound familiar? You feel deeply offended by any criticism or negative feedback you receive, regardless of the source. Other people have the ability to make you feel so angry that you say and do things you later regret. You’ve changed your goals based on what other people have told you that you should be doing with your life. The type of day you’re going to have depends on how other people behave. When other people try to guilt you into doing something, you reluctantly do it, even if you don’t want to You work hard to ensure other people see you in a positive light because much of your self-worth depends on how others perceive you. You spend a lot of time complaining about people and circumstances that you don’t like. You often complain about all the things you “have to” do in life. You go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions, like embarrassment or sadness. You have difficulty setting boundaries, but then feel resentful toward people who take up your time and energy. You hold a grudge when someone offends you or hurts you. Can you see yourself in any of the above examples? Retaining your power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances you’re in. Why We Give Away Our Power Anytime you don’t set healthy emotional and physical boundaries for yourself, you risk giving away your power to other people. Perhaps you don’t dare say no when your neighbour asks for a favour. Or maybe you dread receiving a phone call from a friend who constantly complains, but you continue to pick up on the first ring. Each time you avoid saying no to something you really don’t want, you give away your power. If you don’t make any attempt to get your needs met, you’ll give people permission to take things away from you. A lack of emotional boundaries can be equally problematic. If you don’t like the way someone treats you, yet you don’t stand up for yourself, you give that person power over your life. The Problem With Giving Away Your Power There are many problems with giving away your power: 1. You depend on others to regulate your feelingsWhen you give away your power, you become completely dependent upon other people and external circumstances to regulate your emotions. Life often becomes like a roller coaster—when things are going well, you’ll feel good; but when your circumstances change, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour will shift. 2. You let other people define your self-worthIf you give others the power to determine your self-worth, you’ll never feel worthy enough. You’ll only be as good as someone else’s opinion of you and you will never be able to receive enough praise or positive feedback to meet your needs if you depend on others to feel good about yourself. 3. You avoid addressing the real problemGiving away your power lends itself to helplessness. Rather than focus on what you can do to improve the situation, you’ll find an excuse to justify your problems. 4. You become a victim of your circumstancesYou’ll become a passenger in your own life rather than a driver. You’ll say other people make you feel bad or force you to behave in a manner you don’t like. You’ll blame others instead of accepting responsibility for your choices. 5. You become highly sensitive to criticismYou’ll lack the ability to evaluate criticism. Instead, you’ll take anything anyone says to heart. You’ll give much more power to other people’s words than those words deserve. 6. You lose sight of your goalsYou won’t be able to build the kind of life you want when you allow other people to be in control of your goals. You can’t work toward your goals successfully when you give other people the power to get in your way and interfere with your progress. 7. You ruin relationshipsIf you don’t speak up when people hurt your feelings or you allow them to infringe on your life in an unwelcomed manner, you’ll likely grow resentful toward them. Reclaim Your Power Without confidence in who you are, your entire self-worth may depend on how others feel about you. What if you offend people? What if they don’t like you anymore? If you choose to put uphealthy boundaries, you may receive some backlash. But if you have a strong enough sense of self-worth, you’ll learn that you can tolerate the repercussions. Identify People Who Have Taken Your Power Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you, either emotionally or physically, doesn’t mean you have to excuse the other person’s behaviour, but letting go of your anger frees you to focus your energy on a more worthwhile cause. If you’ve spent most of your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances, it takes hard work to recognize that you have the power to choose your own path in life. The first step is to develop self-awareness by identifying when you blame external circumstances and other people for how you think, feel, and behave. Take a close look at the people you are devoting your time and energy toward. Are they the people you want to receive it? If not, you may be giving them more power than you think they deserve. Each second you spend commiserating with co-workers about how unfair your boss is, you are giving your boss more power. Every time you tell your friends how controlling your mother-in-law is, you give her a little more power over you. Resolve to stop giving people your time and energy