Strategies To Help You Overcome People Pleasing
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. —LAO TZU
People-pleasing Signs
People pleasing is all about trying to control how other people feel. Do you respond positively to
any of the points below?
- You feel responsible for how other people feel.
- The thought of anyone being mad at you causes you to feel uncomfortable.
- You tend to be a “pushover.”
- You find it easier to agree with people rather than express a contrary opinion.
- You often apologize even when you don’t think you did anything wrong.
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
- You don’t usually tell people when you’re feeling offended or your feelings are hurt.
- You tend to say yes when people ask you for favours, even if you really don’t want to do something.
- You change your behaviour based on what you think other people want.
- You put a lot of energy into trying to impress people.
- If you hosted a party and people didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves, you’d feel responsible.
- You seek praise and approval from people in your life often.
- When someone around you is upset, you take responsibility for trying to make him or her feel better.
- You would never want anyone to think you are selfish.
- You often feel overscheduled and overburdened by all the things you have to do.
Do any of those examples sound familiar? Attempts to be a “nice person” can backfire when your behaviour crosses over into people pleasing. It can take a serious toll on all areas of your life and make it impossible to reach your goals. You can still be a kind and generous person without trying to please everyone.
Why We Try To Please People
1. Fear
Conflict and confrontation can be uncomfortable. It’s usually not enjoyable to sit between squabbling co-workers in a meeting. And who wants to attend a family holiday gathering when their relatives are arguing? Fearing conflict, we tell ourselves, If I can make everyone happy, everything will be okay.
When a people pleaser sees a car approaching quickly, he may drive faster because he thinks, That guy is in a hurry. I don’t want to make him mad by going too slow. People pleasers may also fear rejection or abandonment. If I don’t make you happy, you won’t like me. They thrive on praise and reassurance from others, and if they’re not receiving enough positive reinforcement, they change their behaviour to try and make people feel happy.
2. Learned behaviour
Sometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised by parents who were constantly bickering, you may have learned that conflict is bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments.
Children of alcoholics, for example, often grow up to be people pleasers because that was the best way to deal with a parent’s unpredictable behaviour. In other cases, doing good deeds was the only way to get any attention.
Putting other people first can also become a way to feel needed and important. I’m worth something if I can make other people feel happy. So it becomes a habit to always invest energy into other people’s feelings and lives.
A lot of people often say they need to behave like a doormat, because that’s what the Bible says they should do. But I’m pretty sure the Bible says to “treat your neighbour as yourself,” not better than yourself. Most spiritual guidance encourages us to be bold enough to live according to our values, even when doing so displeases some people.
The Problem With People Pleasing
1. Your assumptions aren’t always true
Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behaviour proves we’re generous. But when you think about it, always trying to please people isn’t a selfless act. It’s actually quite self-centered. It assumes that everyone cares about your every move. It also assumes you think you have the power
to control how other people feel.
If you’re constantly doing things to make others happy and you don’t think they are appreciative of your efforts, you’ll soon experience resentment. Thoughts such as I do so much for you, but you don’t do anything for me will creep in and ultimately hurt your relationships.
2. People pleasing damages relationships
It’s an impossible feat to always make everyone around you happy. Perhaps your father-in-law asks you to help him on a project. But if you leave to go help him, your spouse will get angry because you had already made plans to have lunch together. When faced with such a decision, people pleasers will often choose to risk not pleasing the person closest to them. They know thattheir spouse will eventually get over being offended. Unfortunately, this leaves the people you love the most feeling hurt or angry. Shouldn’t we do the opposite? Shouldn’t we work the hardest on the most intimate and special relationships?
Ever met someone who behaves like a martyr? Such individuals’ attempts to please others actually becomes a turnoff. They’re constantly saying things like “I do everything around here” or “If I don’t do it, no one will.” Martyrs risk becoming angry, bitter people, as their attempts to make others happy backfire.
Whether you’re guilty of thinking you’re a martyr, or you simply struggle to say no when you fear you’ll hurt someone’s feelings, there aren’t any guarantees people will like you just because you try to please them. Instead, they may simply start taking advantage of you without forming a deeper
relationship based on trust and mutual respect.
3. People pleasers lose sight of their values
Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent many years working with patients who were dying, cites people pleasing as one of the biggest regrets she heard her patients share on their deathbeds. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she explains how dying people often said they wished they had lived a more authentic life. Instead of dressing, acting, and speaking in a manner that was pleasing to others, they’d wished they’d been true to themselves.
There’s even research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology that shows people pleasers in a study tended to eat more when they thought it would make others around them happier. They were willing to sabotage their own health if they thought it would help the other people in the room even though they had no evidence that the people around them were even paying attention to what they were eating.
Pleasing people will hold you back from reaching your full potential. Although people pleasers want to be liked, they often don’t want to be the best at anything because they fear being held in too high regard could make other people feel bad. Someone may not get that promotion at work because he doesn’t feel comfortable taking credit for the work he’s done. Or a woman who gets approached by an attractive man may choose not to reciprocate friendly conversation because she doesn’t want to make her friend feel bad that he didn’t start talking to her first.
No matter what your values are, you’ll stop behaving according to them if you’re focused primarily on pleasing other people. You’ll quickly lose sight of doing what’s right and try only to do what makes other people happy. Just because it’s a popular choice doesn’t mean it’s the right choice.
Avoid People Pleasing
1. Determine who you want to please
If you want to be successful at reaching your goals, you need to define your path, not just do what other people want you to do.
Before you automatically change your behaviour based on what you think other people want, evaluate your thoughts and feelings. When you second-guess whether you should express your opinion, remember these truths about people pleasing:
- Worrying about trying to please everyone is a waste of time. You can’t control how other people feel and the more time you spend devoting your thoughts to wondering if people will be happy, the less time you’ll have to think about what really matters.
- People pleasers are easily manipulated. Others can recognize a people pleaser a mile away. Manipulators often use tactics to prey on people pleasers’ emotions and control their behaviour. Be on the lookout for people who say things like “I’m only asking you to do to this because you’d do the best job” or “I hate to ask you this, but . . .”
- It’s okay for other people to feel angry or disappointed. There is no reason that people need to feel happy or pleased all the time. Everyone has the ability to cope with a wide array of feelings, and it’s not your job to prevent them from feeling negative emotions. Just because someone gets mad, it doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong.
- You can’t please everyone. It’s impossible for everyone to be delighted by the same things. Accept that some people will just never be pleased, and it isn’t your job to make them happy.
2. Clarify your values
Imagine a single mother who works a full-time job at a factory. One day, when she wakes her son up for school, he says he doesn’t feel well. She checks his temperature and he has a slight fever. Clearly, he can’t go to school.
She has to decide what to do with him for the day. She doesn’t have any friends or family members who can stay with him. She could call in sick to her job, but she won’t get paid if she takes the day off. If she doesn’t get paid for the day, she’ll struggle to afford groceries for the week. She also
worries that missing another day of work could put her job at risk. She’s already missed a lot of days due to the children being sick.
She decides to leave her son home alone for the day. She knows other people will likely have a negative opinion about her choice to leave a sick child home alone when he’s only ten years old. However, her values tell her it’s the right choice given her circumstances, regardless of how others may judge her. It’s not that she values her job more than her son. In fact, she values her family
more than anything. But she knows that going to work is best for the greater good of her family in the long run.
When you’re faced with decisions in your life, it’s important to know exactly what your values are so you can make the best choices. Could you easily list your top five values off the top of your head? Most people can’t. But if you aren’t really clear on your values, how do you know where to put your energy, and how to make the best decisions? Taking time to clarify your values can be a very worthwhile exercise. Common values include:
- Children
- Romantic relationship
- Extended family
- Religious/Spiritual beliefs
- Volunteering or helping other people
- Career
- Money
- Maintaining good friendships
- Taking care of your physical health
- Having a sense of purpose
- Leisure activities
- Pleasing people
- Education
Pick your top five values in life and rank them in order from most important to least important. Now stop and think about whether you are actually living according to those values. How much of your time, money, energy, and skill is devoted to each one? Are you putting too much effort into something that’s not even on your list?
Where on your list does pleasing people fall? It should never be at the top. Reviewing the order of your list from time to time can help you determine if your life is out of balance.
3. Take time to decide whether to say yes or no
If automatically saying yes has become a habit in your life, learn how to evaluate your decision before giving an answer. When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself these questions before responding:
- Is this something I want to do? Most people pleasers don’t even know what they want because they’re so used to doing things automatically. Take a moment to evaluate your opinion.
- What will I have to give up by doing this? If you do something for someone else, you’ll have to give something up. Maybe it’s time with your family or perhaps it will cost you money. Before making a decision, recognize what saying yes will mean for you.
- What will I gain by doing this? Maybe it will give you an opportunity to improve your relationship, or maybe doing something like this will likely be something you enjoy. Think about the potential benefits of saying yes.
- How will I feel if I do it? Are you likely to feel angry and resentful? Or will you feel happy
and proud? Take some time to imagine how you’re likely to feel as you weigh your options.
You don’t need to have an excuse about why you can’t do something. When you say no, you can say something such as “I wish I could but I’m not going to be able to do that” or “Sorry, but I won’t be able to.” If you’re not used to saying no, it can take some practice, but it gets easier with time.
4. Practice behaving assertively
Confrontation doesn’t have to be bad or scary. In fact, assertive discussions can actually be quite healthy and sharing your concerns can improve relationships.
Speak up if someone takes advantage of you and ask for what you need. You don’t have to be demanding or rude, but instead, remain respectful and polite. Express your feelings and stick to the facts. Use “I” statements, such as “I’m frustrated that you’re always thirty minutes late,” instead of “You’re never on time.”
I work with a lot of parents who can’t stand it when their children aren’t happy. They don’t want to tell their kids they can’t do something because they don’t want their kids to cry or accuse them of being mean. Whether it’s your children, a friend, a co-worker, or even a stranger, sometimes it feels uncomfortable to know someone is angry at you if you’re not used to speaking up for yourself. But with practice, that discomfort becomes easier to tolerate and behaving assertively is easier to do.
Accepting That You Can’t Please Everyone Makes You Happier And Successful
Your words and your behaviour must be in line with your beliefs before you can begin to enjoy a truly authentic life. When you stop worrying about pleasing everyone and, instead, are willing to be bold enough to live according to your own values, you’ll experience many benefits:
1. Your self-confidence will soar
The more you’re able to see that you don’t have to make people happy, the more independence and confidence you’ll gain. You’ll feel content with the decisions you make, even when other people disagree with your actions, because you’ll know you made the right choice.
2. You’ll have more time and energy to devote to your goals
Instead of wasting energy trying to become the person you think others want you to be, you’ll have time and energy to work on yourself. When you channel that effort toward your goals, you’ll be much more likely to be successful.
3. You’ll feel less stressed
When you set limits and healthy boundaries, you’ll experience a lot less stress and irritation. You’ll feel like you have more control over your life.
4. You’ll establish healthier relationships
Other people will develop more respect for you when you behave in an assertive manner. Your communication will improve and you’ll be able to prevent yourself from building a lot of anger and resentment toward people.
5. You’ll have increased will power
An interesting 2008 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology showed that people have much more willpower when they’re making choices on their own accord rather than out of an attempt to please someone else. If you’re only doing something to make someone else happy, you’ll struggle to reach your goal. You’ll be motivated to keep up the good work if you’re
convinced it’s the best choice for you.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
There may be certain areas of your life where it’s easy to behave according to your values, and there may be other areas where you find yourself worrying about pleasing people. Be aware of the warning signs and work on trying to live a life that lines up with your beliefs, not one that will make the most people happy.
What’s Helpful
- Identifying your values and behaving according to them.
- Being aware of your emotions before deciding whether to say yes to someone’s request.
- Saying no when you don’t want to do something.
- Practicing tolerating uncomfortable emotions associated with conflict and confrontation.
- Behaving assertively even when speaking up may not be well received.
What’s Not Helpful
- Losing sight of who you are and what your values are.
- Only considering someone else’s feelings without thinking about your emotions.
- Automatically accepting an invitation without considering whether it’s a good choice.
- Agreeing with people and complying with requests to avoid confrontation.
- Going along with the crowd or refusing to express any opinions that may go against what the majority of people think.