Self Pity: How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. —JOHN GARDNER
We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?
- You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s.
- If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all.
- Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.
- You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.
- You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.
- You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.
- You often complain about things not being fair.
- You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.
- You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.
- You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.
Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviours. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.
Why We Feel Sorry For Ourselves
If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party?
It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or
moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it.
People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.
Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.
Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life.
The Problem With Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences.
Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways:
1. It’s a waste of time
Feeling sorry for yourself requires a lot of mental energy and does nothing to change the situation. Even when you can’t fix the problem, you can make choices to cope with life’s obstacles in a positive way. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t move you any closer to a solution.
2. It leads to more negative emotions
Once you allow it to take hold, self-pity will ignite a flurry of other negative emotions. It can lead to anger, resentment, loneliness, and other feelings that fuel more negative thoughts.
3. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy
Feelings of self-pity can lead to living a pitiful life. When you feel sorry for yourself, it’s unlikely you’ll perform at your best. As a result, you may experience more problems and increased failures, which will breed more feelings of self-pity.
4. It prevents you from dealing with other emotions
Self-pity gets in the way of dealing with grief, sadness, anger, and other emotions. It can stall your progress from healing and moving forward because self-pity keeps the focus on why things should be different rather than accepting the situation for what it is.
5. It causes you to overlook the good in your life
If five good things and one bad thing happen in a day, self-pity will cause you to focus only on the negative. When you feel sorry for yourself, you’ll miss out on the positive aspects of life.
6. It interferes with relationships
A victim mentality is not an attractive characteristic. Complaining about how bad your life is will likely wear on people rather quickly. No one ever says, “What I really like about her is the fact that she always feels sorry for herself.”
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behaviour and forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts.
Behave In A Manner That Makes It Hard To Feel Sorry For Yourself
When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel. Sometimes, small behavioural changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples:
1. Volunteer to help a worthy cause
It will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving destitute orphans in a children’s home or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.
2. Perform a random act of kindness
Whether you wash the neighbour’s balcony or donate beddings and toiletries to a local prison, doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day.
3. Do something active
Physical or mental activity will help you focus on something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a book, or learn a new hobby, and your behaviour change can help shift your attitude.
The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviours will extinguish your feelings of self-pity. Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the same behavioural change won’t work for everyone. If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction, you’ll stay right where you are.
Replace Thoughts That Encourage Self-pity
You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll feel self-pity often. If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often.
Almost every situation has a silver lining. Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:
1. What’s another way I could view my situation?
This is where the “glass half empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.
2. What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem?
Often, we’re better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply them to your situation.
3. What evidence do I have that I can get through this?
Feeling sorry for ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something. Remind yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in the past. Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your situation, the worse you’ll feel.
Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity include things such as:
- I can’t handle one more problem.
- Good things always happen to everyone else.
- Bad things always happen to me.
- My life just gets worse all the time.
- No one else has to deal with this stuff.
- I just can’t catch a break.
If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that have happened to you as well. Then, replace your original thought with something more realistic like, Some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a realistic way to look at your situation.
Exchange Self-pity For Gratitude
While feeling sorry for yourself is about thinking I deserve better, gratitude is about thinking I have more than I deserve. Experiencing gratitude requires some extra effort, but it isn’t hard. Anyone can learn to become more grateful by developing new habits.
Start to acknowledge other people’s kindness and generosity. Affirm the good in the world and you will begin to appreciate what you have.
You don’t have to be rich, wildly successful, or have the perfect life to feel grateful. A person may think he doesn’t have much money but he is actually among the richest 1 percent of people in the world. If you’re reading this article, it means you’re more fortunate than the nearly one billion people in the world who can’t read, many of whom will be stuck in a life of poverty.
Look for those little things in life that you can so easily take for granted and work toward increasing your feelings of gratitude. Here are a few simple habits that can help you focus on what you have to be grateful for:
1. Keep a gratitude journal
Each day write down at least one thing you’re grateful for. It could include being grateful for simple pleasures, like having clean air to breathe or seeing the sun shine, or major blessings like your job or family.
2. Say what you’re grateful for
If you aren’t likely to keep up with writing in a journal, make it a habit to say what you’re grateful for. Find one of life’s gifts to be grateful for each morning when you wake up and each night before you go to sleep. Say the words out loud, even if it’s just to yourself, because hearing the words of gratitude will increase your feelings of gratitude.
3. Change the channel when you’re experiencing self-pity
When you notice that you’re starting to feel sorry for yourself, shift your focus. Don’t allow yourself to continue thinking that life isn’t fair or that life should be different. Instead, sit down and list the people, circumstances, and experiences in life that you can be thankful for. If you keep a journal, refer to it and read it whenever self-pity begins to set in.
4. Ask others what they’re grateful for
Strike up conversations about gratitude to help you discover what other people feel thankful for. Hearing what others feel grateful for can remind you of more areas of your life that deserve gratitude.
5. Teach kids to be grateful
If you’re a parent, teaching your children to be grateful for what they have is one of the best ways to keep your own attitude in check. Make it a habit each day to ask your children what they’re grateful for. Have everyone in the family write down what they’re feeling grateful for and place it in a gratitude jar or hang it on a bulletin board. This will give your family a fun reminder to incorporate gratitude into your daily lives.
Giving Up Self-pity Will Make You Stronger
Researchers studied the differences that occur when people focus on their burdens versus focusing on what they’re grateful for. Simply acknowledging a few things you feel grateful for each day is a powerful way to create change. In fact, gratitude not only impacts your psychological health, it can also affect your physical health. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found:
1. People who feel gratitude don’t get sick as often as others
They have better immune systems and report fewer aches and pains. They have lower blood pressure and they exercise more often than the general population. They take better care of their health, sleep longer, and even report feeling more refreshed upon waking.
2. Gratitude leads to more positive emotions
People who feel grateful experience more happiness, joy, and pleasure on a daily basis. They even feel more awake and energetic.
3. Gratitude improves social lives
Grateful people are more willing to forgive others. They behave in a more outgoing fashion and feel less lonely and isolated. They are also more likely to help other people and to behave in a generous and compassionate manner.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
If you allow self-pity to take hold when you’re dealing with stress, you’ll put off working on a solution. Watch out for red flags that you’re allowing yourself to feel self-pity and take a proactive approach to change your attitude at the first sign of feeling sorry for yourself.
What’s Helpful
1. Giving yourself a reality check so you don’t exaggerate how bad the situation really is.
2. Replacing overly negative thoughts about your situation with more realistic thoughts.
3. Choosing to actively problem-solve and work on improving your situation.
4. Getting active and behaving in a way that makes you less likely to feel sorry for yourself, even when you don’t feel like it.
5. Practicing gratitude every day.
What’s Not Helpful
1. Allowing yourself to believe that your life is worse than most other people’s lives.
2. Indulging in exaggeratedly negative thoughts about how difficult your life is.
3. Remaining passive about the situation and focusing only on how you feel, rather than what you can do.
4. Declining to participate in experiences and activities that could help you feel better.
5. Staying focused on what you don’t have rather than what you do have.