Keeping Everything Under Control: Strategies To Stop Focusing On Things You Can't Control
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by
them. —MAYA ANGELOU
It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic. Do you respond positively to any of these points below?
- You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent anything bad from happening.
- You invest energy into wishing other people would change.
- When faced with a tough situation, you think you can single-handedly fix everything.
- You believe the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert.
- You assume that good luck has nothing to do with success. Instead, it’s completely up to you to determine your future.
- Other people sometimes accuse you of being a “control freak.”
- You struggle to delegate tasks to other people because you don’t think they’ll do the job right.
- Even when you recognize you aren’t able to completely control a situation, you struggle to let it go.
- If you fail at something, you believe you are solely responsible.
- You don’t feel comfortable asking for help.
- You think people who don’t reach their goals are completely responsible for their situation.
- You struggle with teamwork because you doubt the abilities of other people on the team.
- You have difficulty establishing meaningful relationships because you don’t trust people.
Are you guilty of any of the examples above? We can’t possibly make all our circumstances and all the people in our lives fit into the way we think things should be. When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.
Why We Try To Control Everything
Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment.
The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex. We hold on to the mistaken belief that if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want. Rather than delegating a task to a co-worker, or trusting a spouse to run an errand, we often choose to do it ourselves to make sure it will be “done right” because we don’t trust in other people’s
capabilities.
Locus Of Control
Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your belief system. The psychology field refers to this as your locus of control. People with an external locus of control believe that their lives depend highly on fate, luck, or destiny. They’re more likely to believe “Whatever’s meant to be will be.”
People with an internal locus of control believe they have complete control over their future. They take full responsibility for their successes and failures in life. They believe they have the ability to control everything from their financial future to their health.
Your locus of control will determine how you view your circumstances. Imagine a person who attends a job interview. He possesses the qualifications, education, and experience the company is looking for. But a few days after the interview, he receives a call telling him he didn’t get the job. If he has an external locus of control he’ll think, They probably had some overqualified people apply for the position. It wasn’t the right job for me anyway. If he has an internal locus of control, he’s more likely to think, I must not have done a good job impressing them. I knew I should have redone my résumé. I’ve also got to sharpen my interview skills.
Several factors influence your locus of control. Your childhood experiences certainly play a role. If you grew up in a family where hard work was valued, you may lean more toward an internal locus of control, because you’ll believe that hard work can pay off. If however, you grew up with parents who drilled into you things such as, “Your vote doesn’t matter in this world,” or “No matter what you do, the world will always keep you down,” you may have developed an external locus of control.
Your experiences throughout life can also influence your locus of control. If you achieve success when you try hard, you’ll see that you have a lot of control over the outcome. But if you feel like no matter what you do, things just don’t turn out right, you may begin to feel like you have less control.
An internal locus of control has often been idealized as the “best” way to be. Ideas like “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it” have been valued in many cultures. In fact, people with a high sense of control often make great CEOs because they believe in their ability to make a difference. Doctors like having patients with a strong internal locus of control because they do everything possible to treat and prevent illness. But there are also potential downsides to believing you can control everything.
The Problem With Wasting Energy On Things You Can’t Control
There are several problems associated with trying to control everything:
1. Trying to maintain complete control leads to increased anxiety
Efforts to manage your anxiety by trying to control everything in your environment will backfire. The more unsuccessful your attempts to control the situation are, the more anxious you’ll become. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you see that you aren’t able to fully control the outcome.
2. Attempting to control everything wastes time and energy
Worrying about things outside of your control wastes mental energy. Wishing circumstances were different, trying to convince people they have to do everything your way, and attempting to prevent anything bad from ever happening is exhausting. It takes energy away from actively problem solving and the issues you do have control over.
3. Being a control freak damages relationships
Telling people what they should do or how to do things right isn’t likely to attract many friends. In fact, many who have control issues struggle to get close to people because they don’t trust others with any type of responsibility.
4. You’ll judge others harshly
If you credit all your success in life to your abilities, you’ll criticize people who haven’t achieved the same. In fact, people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their standards.
5. You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything
You can’t prevent bad things from happening all the time. But, if you think everything is within your control, you’ll believe you’re directly responsible every time life doesn’t go according to your plan.
Develop A Balanced Sense Of Control
Those who strike the right balance of control recognize how their behaviours can affect their
chances of success, but they also identify how external factors, such as being in the right place at
the right time, can play a role. Researchers found that these people have a bi-locus of control, as
opposed to a complete internal or external locus of control. To achieve this balance in your own
life, be willing to examine your beliefs about what you truly can control and what you can’t. Take
notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and circumstances that you just
couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control:
- You can host a good party, but you can’t control whether people have fun.
- You can give your child tools to be successful, but you can’t make your child be a good student.
- You can do your best at your job, but you can’t force your boss to recognize your work.
- You can sell a great product, but you can’t dictate who buys it.
- You may be the smartest person in the room, but you can’t control whether people choose to follow your advice.
- You can nag, beg, and make threats, but you can’t force your spouse to behave differently.
- You can have the most positive attitude in the world, but it can’t make a terminal diagnosis disappear.
- You can control how much you take care of yourself, but you can’t always prevent illness.
- You can control what you’re doing, but you can’t control your competitor.
Identify Your Fears
When you notice yourself trying to control something that you can’t, ask yourself, What am I so afraid of? Do you worry someone else is going to make a bad choice? Do you worry that something is going to go terribly wrong? Are you terrified that you won’t be successful? Acknowledging your fears, and developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is within your control and what isn’t.
Focus On What You Can Control
Once you’ve identified your fears, identify what you can control, bearing in mind that sometimes the only thing you can control is your behaviour and attitude.
You can’t control what happens to your luggage once you hand it to an airline employee at the airport. But what you can control is what you pack in your carry-on bag. If you have your most important belongings and an extra change of clothing with you, it won’t feel like such an emergency if your luggage doesn’t arrive at your destination on time. By focusing on what you
can control, it is much easier to let go of worrying about what you can’t.
When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognize that you can’t control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end result.
Influence People Without Trying To Control Them
1. Listen first, speak second
Other people are often less defensive when they feel like you’ve taken the time to hear what they have to say.
2. Share your opinion and concerns, but only share it once
Repeating your unease over and over again won’t make your words any more effective. In fact, it can backfire.
3. Change your behaviour
If a wife doesn’t want her husband to drink, emptying his beer cans down the drain isn’t going to motivate him to stop drinking. But she can choose to spend time with him when he’s sober and not be around him when he’s drinking. If he enjoys spending time with her, he may choose to remain sober more often.
4. Point out the positive
If someone is making a genuine effort to create change, whether it’s to stop smoking or start exercising, offer some genuine praise. Just don’t go overboard or say something like, “See, I told you that you’d feel better if you quit eating all that junk food.” Backhanded compliments or an “I told you so” don’t motivate people to change.
Practice Acceptance
Imagine a man stuck in a traffic jam. Traffic hasn’t moved an inch for twenty minutes and he’s running late for a meeting. He starts yelling, swearing, and banging his fists on the steering wheel. He wants so much to be in control that he just can’t tolerate the fact that he’s going to be late.
These people should just get out of my way, he thinks. It’s ridiculous that there’s this much traffic in the middle of the afternoon.
Contrast that person with someone in the car next to him who turns on the radio and chooses to sing along to some of his favourite tunes while he waits. He figures, I’ll get there when I can. He uses his time and energy wisely because he knows he has no control over when traffic will start moving again. Instead, he tells himself, There are millions of cars on the road every day. Sometimes traffic jams are bound to happen.
Either of these people could choose to do something different in the future to avoid traffic. They could leave earlier, take a different route, use public transportation, check the traffic report ahead of time, or even start a movement to try and change the road systems. But, for now, they have the
choice to accept that they’re stuck in a traffic jam or focus on the fact that they feel an injustice is being done.
Even though you might not like the situation you’re in, you can choose to accept it. You can accept that your boss is mean, that your mother doesn’t approve of you, or that your kids aren’t striving to be high achievers. That doesn’t mean you can’t work toward influencing them by changing your
behaviour, but it does mean you can stop trying to force them to be different.
Giving Up Control Will Make You Mentally Stronger
When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to things you can control. Here are some of the benefits you’ll experience:
1. Increased Happiness
The maximum level of happiness is achieved when people have a balanced locus of control. Coined as a “bi-local expectancy,” the people who understand that they can take a lot of steps to control their lives while also recognizing the limitations of their ability are happier than people who think
they can control everything.
2. Better Relationships
When you give up your need for control, you’ll likely experience better relationships. You’ll have fewer trust issues and you’ll welcome more people into your life. You may be more willing to ask for help, and other people are likely to view you as less critical. Research indicates that people who stop trying to control everything experience an increased sense of belonging and community.
3. Less Stress
When you stop carrying around the weight of the world, you’ll feel less stressed. You may experience more short-term anxiety as you give up control, but over the long term, you’ll have a lot less stress and anxiety.
4. New Opportunities
When you have a strong need to control things, you’ll be less likely to invite change into your life because there aren’t any guarantees of a positive outcome. When you choose to give up your need to control everything, you’ll have increased confidence in your ability to handle new opportunities.
5. More Success
Although most people who want to control everything have a deep desire to be successful, having an internal locus of control can actually interfere with your chances of success. Research shows that it’s possible to become so focused on ensuring you’ll be successful, you could actually overlook opportunities that could help you advance. When you give up your desire to control everything, you’ll be more willing to look around and you may recognize good fortune that comes your way even if it isn’t directly related to your behaviour.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
When you focus on what’s wrong with the world, without looking at how you can control your attitude and behaviour, you’ll find yourself stuck. Instead of wasting energy trying to prevent a storm, focus on how you can prepare for it.
What’s Helpful
1. Delegating tasks and responsibilities to other people.
2. Asking for help when you need it.
3. Focusing on solving problems that are within your control.
4. Keeping the emphasis on influencing others rather than controlling them.
5. Thinking balanced thoughts about what is within your control and what isn’t.
6. Not relying on yourself for the entire outcome.
What’s Not Helpful
1. Insisting on doing everything because no one else can do it right.
2. Choosing to do everything on your own because you think you should be able to accomplish things without help.
3. Spending time trying to figure out how to change things that are likely beyond your direct control.
4. Trying to force other people to do what you think they should do, regardless of how they feel.
5. Only thinking about what you can do to make things turn out the way you want.
6. Taking full responsibility for the end result without acknowledging other factors that influence the outcome.