Change: Taking A Real Decision
It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t . . . It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not. — JAMES GORDON
Although it’s often easy to say you want to change, successfully making a change is hard. Our thoughts and emotions often prevent us from creating behavioural change, even when it will improve our lives.
Many people shy away from making changes that can drastically improve their lives. See if any of the following apply to you:
- You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself what you’re doing isn’t “that bad.”
- You experience a lot of anxiety about changes to your routine.
- Even when you’re in a bad situation, you worry that making a change might make things worse.
- Whenever you attempt to make a change, you struggle to stick with it.
- When your boss, family, or friends make changes that affect you, it’s difficult for you to adapt.
- You think a lot about making changes but put off doing anything different until later.
- You worry that any changes you make aren’t likely to last.
- The thought of stepping outside your comfort zone just seems too scary.
- You lack the motivation to create positive change because it’s too hard.
- You make excuses for why you can’t change, like “I’d like to exercise more, but my spouse doesn’t want to go with me.”
- You have difficulty recalling the last time you purposely tried to challenge yourself to become better.
- You hesitate to do anything new because it just seems like too big of a commitment.
Do any of the above examples sound familiar? Although circumstances can change quickly, humans often change at a much slower pace. Choosing to do something different requires you to adapt your thinking and your behaviour, which will likely bring up some uncomfortable emotions. But that doesn’t mean you should shy away from change.
Many people shy away from change because they think that doing something different is too risky or uncomfortable.
Types Of Change
We can experience different types of change, some you might find easier than others:
1. All-or-nothing change
Some changes are incremental while others are basically all or nothing. Deciding to have a child, for example, isn’t something you can do in steps. Once you have that baby, your life has irrevocably changed.
2. Habit change
You can choose to either get rid of bad habits, like sleeping too late, or you can choose to create good habits, like exercising five times a week. Most habit changes allow you to try something new for a little while, but you can always revert back to your old habits.
3. Trying-something-new change
Change sometimes involves trying something new or mixing up your daily routine, like volunteering at a hospital or taking violin lessons.
4. Behavioural change
Sometimes there are behavioural changes that don’t necessarily constitute a habit. For example, maybe you want to commit to going to all of your child’s sports games or maybe you want to behave friendlier.
5. Emotional change
Not all change is tangible. Sometimes it’s emotional. For example, if you want to feel less irritable all the time, you’ll need to examine the thoughts and behaviours that contribute to your irritability.
6. Cognitive change
There may be ways in which you want to change your thinking as well. Perhaps you want to think less about the past or maybe decrease worrisome thoughts.
Readiness For Change
New Year’s resolutions are commonly broken, because we try to make changes based on a date and not because we’re really ready. And if you aren’t ready to create change, you likely won’t be successful at maintaining it. Even changing one small habit, like deciding you’ll floss your teeth every day or giving up your bedtime snack, requires a certain level of commitment.
The Five Stages Of Change
1. Precontemplation – When people are precontemplative, they don’t yet identify any need to change.
2. Contemplation – People who are actively contemplative are considering the pros and cons of making a change.
3. Preparation – This is the stage where people prepare to make a change. They establish a plan with concrete steps that identify what they are going to do differently.
4. Action – This is where the concrete behavioural change takes place.
5. Maintenance – This often overlooked step is essential. You need to plan ahead so that you can maintain your lifestyle changes even when your are facing obstacles.
Why We Shy Away From Change
1. Fear
Many people worry that doing something different may make things even worse. Maybe you don’t like the house you’re living in, but you worry that a new home could have even bigger problems. Or maybe you worry about ending a relationship because you are afraid you won’t ever find anyone better. So you convince yourself to keep things the same, even if you’re not happy.
2. Avoiding Discomfort
Many people associate change with discomfort. And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioural change.
3. Grief
Doing something different means giving something up. And there’s often a grief associated with leaving something behind. To spare ourselves this grief, we can convince ourselves not to change.
The Problem With Shying Away From Change
Shying away from change can have serious consequences. Avoiding change and remaining stagnant can interfere with personal growth in all areas of your life.
1. Staying the same often equals getting stuck in a rut
Life can get pretty boring if you don’t do anything differently. A person who simply decides to keep things as mundane and low-key as possible isn’t likely to experience a rich, full life and might become depressed.
2. You won’t learn new things
The world will change with or without you. Don’t think that your choice not to change will prevent anyone else from embracing change. You’ll risk being left in the dust if you choose to keep doing everything the same for the rest of your life.
3. Your life may not get better
If you don’t change, you can’t make your life better. Many problems that are waiting to be solved require you to do something different. But if you aren’t willing to try something new, those issues are likely to remain unresolved.
4. You won’t challenge yourself to develop healthier habits
It’s easy to develop bad habits. Breaking bad habits requires a willingness to try something new.
5. Other people will outgrow you
“My husband isn’t the same man I married fifteen years ago.” I hear this all the time, and my response is usually, “Let’s hope not.” I hope everyone grows and changes over the course of fifteen years. If you are unwilling to challenge yourself and improve, others may grow bored with you.
6. The longer you wait the harder it gets
Do you think it’s easier to quit smoking after your first cigarette or after twenty years of smoking? The longer you keep the same habits, the harder they can be to break. Sometimes people put off change until the right time. They say things like “I’ll look for a new job when things calm down” or “I’ll worry about losing weight after the holidays.” But, often, the perfect time to do something never arises. The longer change gets delayed, the harder it is to do.
Identify The Pros And Cons Of Changing
Create a list of what is good about staying the same and what is bad about staying the same. Then, create a list about the potentially good and bad outcomes of making a change. Don’t simply make your decision based on the sheer number of pros versus cons. Instead, examine the list. Read it over a few times and think about the potential consequences of changing versus staying the same. If you’re still considering change, this exercise can help you move closer to making a decision.
There’s no need to change for the sake of change. Moving to a new home, starting a new relationship, or switching jobs aren’t inherently going to make you happy and successful. Instead, it’s important to pay close attention to the reasons why you want to change so you can determine whether the decision is about doing what’s ultimately best for you.
If you’re still ambivalent, create a behavioural experiment. Unless you’re dealing with an all-or-nothing change, try something new for one week. After you’ve done it for a week, evaluate your progress and motivation. Decide if you want to continue with the change or not.
Develop An Awareness Of Your Emotions
Pay attention to the emotions that are influencing your decision as well. When you think about making a change, how do you feel? For example:
- Are you nervous that the change won’t last?
- Do you feel exhausted at the sheer thought of doing something different?
- Are you worried about your ability to follow through with the change?
- Are you scared things may get worse?
- Are you sad that you’ll have to give something up?
- Are you uncomfortable even admitting a problem exists?
Once you identify some of your emotions, you can decide whether it makes sense to act contrary to those emotions.
Don’t allow your emotions to make the final decision. Sometimes you have to be willing to change, even when you don’t “feel like it.” Balance your emotions with rational thinking. If you’re terrified of doing something new, and it really won’t make a big difference in your life, you may decide it’s not worth putting yourself through the stress of change. But, if you can rationally identify how
change will be best for you in the long term, it may make sense to tolerate the discomfort.
Manage Negative Thoughts
Look for unrealistically negative thoughts that may be influencing you. Once you’ve started to make changes, the way you think about the process can also greatly affect how motivated you’ll be to keep going. Be on the alert for these types of thoughts that will tempt you to shy away from change:
- This will never work.
- I can’t handle doing something different.
- It will be too hard.
- It’ll be too stressful to give up the things I like.
- What I’m doing now isn’t that bad.
- There’s no sense in trying because I tried something like that before and it didn’t help.
- I don’t deal with change well.
Just because you think it will be difficult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Often, some of the best things in life come from our ability to conquer a challenge through hard work.
Create A Successful Plan For Change
Preparing for the change can be the most important step. Create a plan for how you’ll implement the change and how you’ll stick to it. Once you have a plan in place, then you can implement the behavioural change one small step at a time.Unless you’re dealing with an all-or-nothing type of change, you can create change in incremental steps. Prepare for making the change with these steps:
1. Create a goal for what you would like to accomplish in the next thirty days
Sometimes people try to change everything all at once. Identify one goal that you want to focus on first and establish a realistic expectation for what you’d like to see change in one month’s time.
2. Establish concrete behaviour changes you can make to reach that goal each day
Identify at least one step you can take each day to move closer to your goal.
3. Anticipate obstacles along the way
Make a plan for how you will respond to specific challenges that you’re likely to encounter. Planning ahead can help you stay on track.
4. Establish accountability
We do best when we establish some type of accountability for our progress. Enlist the help of friends and family who can provide support and check in with you about your progress. Be accountable to yourself by writing down your progress daily.
Monitor your progress. Determine how you’ll keep track of your progress. Keeping a record of your efforts and daily achievements can help you stay motivated to maintain changes.
Behave Like The Person You Want To Become
If your goal is to be more outgoing, behave in a friendly manner. If you want to be a successful salesperson, study how successful salespeople behave and then do what they do. You don’t necessarily have to wait until you feel like it or until the right time comes; start changing your behaviour now.
Clearly identify the type of person you’d like to be. Then, be proactive about becoming that person. So often I hear, “I wish I could have more friends.” Don’t wait for friends to come to you; start acting like a friendly person now and you can develop new friendships.
Embracing Change Will Make You Mentally Stronger
Sometimes change results in a complete transformation that could alter the entire course of your life. So often, when people become committed to create change in one area of their lives, like pay off their debt, before they know it, they’re also losing weight and their marriages improve. Positive change leads to increased motivation and increased motivation leads to more positive change. Embracing change is a two-way street.
Troubleshooting And Common Traps
Unfortunately, your life will change whether you want it to or not. Change created by job loss, death of a loved one, a friend moving away, or kids moving out are all a part of life. When you practice adapting to the small changes, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the large inevitable changes that come your way.
Pay attention to the way you handle change. Watch out for warning signs that you may be avoiding important change that could ultimately improve your life. Although change can feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to increase your mental strength unless you’re willing to grow and improve.
What’s Helpful
- Evaluating your readiness to change with an open mind.
- Setting a realistic time frame to establish and reach your goals.
- Balancing your emotions and rational thoughts to help you make a decision about whether to do something different.
- Willingness to anticipate potential obstacles that could interfere with your progress.
- Reviewing the potential pros and cons of making a change as well as the pros and cons of staying the same.
- Focusing on one small change at a time with clear action steps.
- Committing to behaving like the person you want to become.
What’s Not Helpful
- Ignoring or avoiding even thinking about change.
- Putting off doing anything different until you reach certain milestones or until certain time frames have passed.
- Allowing your emotions to dictate whether you want to change without considering the logical aspects of doing something different.
- Making excuses for why you can’t do anything different.
- Only focusing on the negative aspects of change without considering the positive.
- Convincing yourself not to bother trying to change because you don’t think you can do it.
- Waiting until you feel like creating change.